Sometimes those overly sweet, always smiling people give you a weird vibe. Your gut whispers “fake” as they gush about how amazing you are. We’re socialized to dismiss those feelings as unkind, but often your instincts are spot on. Here’s how to spot nice-on-the-outside, nasty-on-the-inside types (so you can hopefully avoid them!).
1. Their compliments always have a slightly barbed edge.
“That dress really flatters you…surprising, considering that pattern.” “Your haircut looks great…hides the thinning a bit.” They cloak insults in praise, with a smile that says they’re just being honest. But that little sting means it wasn’t a genuine compliment at all. The reasons people give backhanded compliments are varied, Verywell Mind notes, but none of them are nice!
2. They’re masters of the humblebrag.
“Ugh, I HATE how tiny my apartment is, it’s almost as big as a normal house, nowhere to put anything!” They complain about “problems” that are secretly aimed at making you feel bad about your own situation. Their struggles are always worse, their success accidental, and their #blessed life subtly shoved in your face. It’s infuriating, not to mention downright insufferable!
3. They constantly play the martyr.
“It’s fine, I’ll do everything myself like usual.” Big sigh. They exaggerate their efforts, seeking pity while simultaneously implying other people are lazy. It’s designed to induce guilt and force people to scramble to offer them help they may not even need.
4. Their apologies are always focused on how they feel, not how they hurt you.
“I’m so sorry that you were offended.” “I feel awful that you’re misunderstanding my intentions.” Notice the lack of taking responsibility for their actions? It’s a way to deflect blame, making it seem like you’re being too sensitive, not that they said something hurtful.
5. Gossip is their favorite pastime — disguised as concern, of course.
“Did you hear about Sarah? I’m SO worried about her…” They spread rumors and stir up drama under the guise of caring, but pay attention! They’ll do the same about you the second you’re not around. Gossip is never just about the target, it’s about the gossiper feeling superior.
6. They love to give unsolicited advice that strangely always benefits them.
“You really should quit that job, it’s beneath someone with your talents.” Oddly, they have an opening at their company — wait a minute! Their “helpful advice” is often self-serving manipulation. Notice if their suggestions always lead you to doing things that coincidentally make their life easier. That tells you everything you need to know!
7. They vanish when you need help, but expect you to drop everything for them.
Their car breaks down? Emergency! You have a flat tire? “Bummer, I’m busy.” Their needs are urgent, but yours are trivial inconveniences. It’s a one-sided friendship, and when you call them out on it, expect them to play the victim about how unappreciated they are. (Insert eye roll here!)
8. They have zero tolerance for criticism, yet dish it out constantly.
A tiny mistake on your part will be dissected endlessly. Yet, give them the mildest feedback, and they melt down. They hold everyone to impossible standards while expecting total exemption for themselves. It’s their way of always feeling morally superior.
9. They thrive on creating divisions and playing people off against each other.
They tell Sarah that you hate her new haircut (“as a friend, I felt I had to be honest!”), then tell you Sarah’s been talking trash behind your back. They love to instigate tension between other people, then swoop in as the “peacemaker” gaining control over both parties.
10. They’re all about public displays of affection, but cold as ice behind closed doors.
Hushing you at parties to proclaim how much they adore you, those big romantic social media posts — it’s all for show. They crave praise from everyone around them, so looking like the perfect partner is their goal. However, it’s a different story in private. Neglect, criticism, and withdrawing affection as punishment are their preferred tactics.
11. They make promises they have no intention of keeping.
“Let’s have lunch next week, I’ll call you!” Of course, they never do — or, they bail at the last minute, leaving you in a lurch. They use promises of future connection as a way to appear warm and invested, while consistently disappointing and subtly undermining your trust.
12. They’re always the victim, even after doing something clearly awful.
Caught in a big lie? Twisted the truth to an outrageous degree? Don’t expect accountability. They spin a sob story about how they were misunderstood, how unfair the world is, and how you forced them into bad behavior. It’s a way to deflect from consequences and elicit sympathy. How do they not think people will see through them?!
13. If you set a boundary, they act like you’ve committed a crime against humanity.
Whether it’s saying “no” to helping them move or declining a last-minute invitation – which are totally normal, healthy things, we should mention — they react with exaggerated hurt and may even lash out. Boundaries threaten their sense of control, so expect pushback every time you prioritize your own needs.
14. They’re jealous of your happiness and success.
If you get a new job, they suddenly hate their similar job. Maybe you’re finally in a happy relationship, and good for you. Sadly, they’ll find a subtle way to criticize your partner. Good news makes them sullen and withdrawn, or they make snide, belittling remarks. They want you to feel as insecure and miserable as they are deep down. That’s because they’re insecure themselves, CNBC explains.
15. Genuine apologies are rare, even when they’re clearly in the wrong.
Instead, they might say things like “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry if I did something to offend you.” The focus is on you, not on owning their behavior. They might even get angry, implying you’re overreacting. A true apology accepts responsibility, they’ll do anything to avoid that.
16. They expect endless forgiveness but hold grudges forever over the smallest slights.
They mess up, but “it was a bad day” or “I didn’t mean it.” However, you stub your toe and they remind you about how clumsy you are for decades. It’s blatant double standard. They crave unconditional acceptance but rarely offer even a shred of understanding or grace in return.
17. They undermine your confidence by alternating between praise and put-downs.
One day you’re brilliant, the next you’re a bit slow. This inconsistency erodes your sense of self. You start to crave their approval, questioning your own judgment as their pronouncements on your worth or talent become the only thing that feels certain to you.
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