It can be frustrating for women in relationships with men who struggle with intimacy, and you might even start to doubt whether he still loves you. To address his intimacy issues, it’s important to be less judgmental of men by being more empathetic and practicing mindfulness. By understanding them more, you can discover the root causes of their issues and address them accordingly. So, what’s behind all of this? Here are some possibilities.
1. Fear of rejection
Some men aggressively pursue some women, only to pull away just as they’re getting close. What if he initiates a kiss, only for the woman to slap him and quickly put him in the friend zone? What if she thinks he’s a total creep? That hesitance can lead to fear. Also, some men avoid intimacy because they think they’re unworthy of love due to their physical appearance, Goop points out. Therefore, they reject themselves before the woman can reject them.
2. Societal expectations
Society typically expects men to be providers, leaders, and protectors of their women. Since people-pleasing is common in men, they’re likely to push themselves hard to carry out these roles. After all, they wouldn’t want to be mocked for failing to provide for the women in their lives, would they? Ultimately, these societal expectations create a sense of performance anxiety that hinders the development of intimacy. Though women appreciate men who lead or provide, men shouldn’t forget that intimacy is important for forming strong bonds.
3. Exposure to unhealthy relationship models
Sadly, some children grow up witnessing domestic abuse between their parents, or one of their parents and a new partner. Due to the adults’ inability to express their love healthily, some men grow up not knowing how to be truly intimate with women. That’s because some think that abuse is normal, which is anything but intimate. Additionally, children who witness domestic abuse are at risk of developing mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression, the Office on Women’s Health reveals. Depression hinders intimacy by causing men to lose interest in it due to reduced ability to experience pressure and reduced libido.
4. Past trauma and abuse
Men who have suffered abuse, whether from former partners or even authority figures in their lives, find it hard to be intimate in subsequent relationships. They may avoid getting attached to women, fearing that they may end up experiencing the same trauma again, or simply being too filled with shame and self-hatred to allow themselves that closeness. Abuse also occurs in the form of neglect, Medical News Today notes. Men who have suffered neglect thus worry they may waste their intimacy on women who may leave them, as previous partners or even their own parents did.
5. Masculinity norms
Generally, traditional masculinity norms discourage men from being emotionally intimate as it will force them to be vulnerable. Thanks to these norms, men feel pressured to appear strong even when they’re struggling with issues preventing them from opening up and letting their partner in. Rather than address their issues through therapy, they may simply compartmentalize or resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms. What they don’t realize is that the women in their lives want to know how they’re feeling, as it provides an avenue for deep connection.
6. Lack of role models
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Growing up, many men lack the presence of strong role models who can set good examples on how to behave and express themselves in a healthy way. These role models can come in the form of parents or other guardians or family members, or even teachers, coaches, or other authority figures. Without seeing healthy emotional expression in action, men are unlikely to figure out how to put this into practice in their own lives as they get older.
7. Fear of losing their independence
The closer he gets to a partner, the more a man will have to sacrifice his autonomy — that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s just how it goes. For instance, while dates might start out being once a week, if the relationship progresses, that may turn into hanging out several times a week or even being together on a near daily basis. To avoid losing their autonomy, men may withdraw by making excuses why they can’t hang out frequently like before. Psychology Today points out that sometimes men fear losing autonomy due to growing up with overbearing caretakers. What they don’t realize is that relationships, when done right, can actually be another form of freedom.
8. Socialization
The four agents of socialization (family, schools, peer groups and mass media) socialize men to be independent, sometimes to a fault. While independence is great, there’s a danger in men being too self-reliant. As a result, they don’t understand the need to be intimate with other people, nor do they get to reap the benefits by having people in their lives to help lighten the load. Also, these socialization agents socialize men to be stoic. Sadly, bottling up their feelings isn’t a long-term strategy, as everything beneath the surface will eventually boil over.
9. Fear of vulnerability
Vulnerability in relationships is necessary as it encourages intimacy, closeness, and trust. Despite its advantages, many men struggle to be vulnerable, as they worry they may appear weak to their partners. Others become paranoid that the rest of society may get wind of their vulnerability and laugh at them for it.
10. Lack of emotional support
If you’ve never had emotional support, it’s hard to know what it looks like and how it can benefit from it. Because many men aren’t used to discussing feelings or having support for their emotional well-being, they may end up believing they don’t need it and that they’re just fine on their own. Work with a therapist can help break this pattern and allow them to enjoy healthier connections.
11. Different communication styles from women
Some women may hate to hear it, but men don’t always communicate like them. According to The Relationship Suite, men are fixers, while women want to be heard. Since men love to solve problems rather than simply talk about them, they’re more likely to seem dismissive because they just want to get things back to normal. There needs to be a healthy balance in which both partners feel heard and understood before anyone takes action.
12. Perceived power imbalance
There have been talks about men being more logical and women being more emotional. Being intimate requires vulnerability, so men may avoid it as it forces them to be emotional, which they may see as a traditionally feminine characteristic. If both are emotional, who will console the other, some men may ask? Despite these stereotypes, men are as emotional as women. Men must understand that being emotional won’t make them any less masculine.
13. Internalized guilt
There are varying reasons why some men may have internalized guilt. Perhaps they fear hurting other women like they did in previous relationships. Or, they may feel the need to always be perfect, which will cause them to have unrealistic relationship expectations of themselves and their partners. As a result, they might withhold their intimacy for fear of possibly disappointing their partners (or themselves). They need constant reminders that relationships will never be 100% perfect.
14. Lack of emotional awareness
Men may lack emotional awareness due to limited emotional education, instead focusing on problem-solving or fulfilling cultural expectations of manhood. Without emotional awareness, men may appear insensitive without knowing it. They may invalidate their partners’ emotions, become dismissive, or simply clam up and refuse to engage on a deep level. Sadly, this won’t only hurt their partners, but themselves too.
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