Ever try to talk to someone about their hurtful behavior, only to be met with a brick wall of excuses? Yeah, me too. Toxic people are experts at dodging accountability and justifying their actions. They’ll pull out all the stops to avoid facing their own flaws or making any real changes. Here are some of the most common lines they use and what they really mean.
1. “That’s just how I am.”
This is the ultimate cop-out. It’s a way of saying, “I’m not going to change, so deal with it.” They might even try to convince you that their toxic traits are part of their charm or personality. But remember, just because someone has always been a certain way doesn’t mean they can’t change. It might just mean they don’t want to.
2. “You’re too sensitive.”
Ah, the classic blame-shifting tactic. When you call them out on their hurtful behavior, they turn it around and make it your problem. They might say you’re overreacting, misinterpreting their actions, or simply too sensitive. This is a way to invalidate your feelings and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, Psych Central explains.
3. “You just don’t understand me.”
This one’s a favorite of manipulators. By claiming that you don’t understand their complex emotions or unique circumstances, they try to make you feel guilty for holding them accountable. It’s a way to deflect criticism and shift the focus away from their own bad behavior.
4. “I was having a bad day.”
Sure, everyone has bad days. But for toxic people, every day seems to be a bad one. They use this excuse to justify their rudeness, anger, or negativity. While it’s important to be understanding, if their “bad days” are a constant occurrence, it’s not your responsibility to put up with their crap.
5. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
This is a classic gaslighting tactic. They’ll say or do something hurtful, then try to convince you that you misunderstood their intentions. They might even twist your words or deny saying something altogether. This can leave you feeling confused and doubting your own perception of reality.
6. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Notice the wording here. They’re not actually apologizing for their actions, they’re apologizing for how you feel about their actions. It’s a way to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior and shift the blame onto you for being too sensitive or emotional.
7. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
Another classic minimization tactic. They downplay the impact of their actions, making you feel like you’re overreacting or being unreasonable. But your feelings are valid, and if their behavior is hurtful, it’s not “nothing.” Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
8. “Everyone else thinks I’m great.”
Toxic people often try to deflect criticism by pointing out how much other people love them. They might bring up how many friends they have, how popular they are at work, or how their family adores them. This is a way to make you feel like you’re the one with the problem, not them.
9. “You’re overreacting.”
This is another classic for minimizing your feelings and making you doubt yourself. They might act like you’re being dramatic, irrational, or making a mountain out of a molehill. But remember, your emotions are valid, and if their behavior hurts you, it’s not an overreaction. Trust your instincts and don’t let them gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
10. “You’re just too sensitive.”
Similar to “you’re overreacting,” this excuse is meant to invalidate your feelings and make you question your own perception. Toxic people often use this tactic when they’ve said or done something hurtful and want to avoid accountability. Don’t fall for it! You’re not “too sensitive,” they’re just not taking responsibility for their actions.
11. “You’re being unreasonable.”
This is another way to shift the blame onto you. By calling your expectations or requests unreasonable, they’re trying to make you feel like you’re asking for too much. But remember, you have a right to express your needs and expect to be treated with respect. Don’t let them guilt you into thinking otherwise.
12. “I can’t help it, it’s my personality.”
This excuse is often used to justify behaviors like being hot-tempered, impulsive, or unreliable. While some personality traits are more ingrained than others, using it as an excuse for hurtful behavior is a cop-out. Everyone is capable of change and growth, and using your personality as a shield is a way to avoid doing the work.
13. “I’m under a lot of stress right now.”
Stress is a valid reason for being short-tempered or irritable sometimes. But if this is a constant excuse, it’s a red flag. It suggests they’re not managing their stress effectively and are taking it out on you. While it’s important to be supportive, you shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of their emotional outbursts on a regular basis, Psychology Today points out.
14. “I’m just trying to help.”
This one’s tricky because sometimes they are trying to help. But often, their help comes with strings attached, unsolicited advice, or an underlying need to control. A toxic person might use this excuse to justify their meddling, overbearing behavior, or disrespect for your boundaries.
15. “I didn’t know it bothered you.”
This is a classic deflection tactic. They might claim ignorance to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. But if you’ve expressed your feelings clearly, and they continue to do the same things, it’s not because they “didn’t know.” It’s because they don’t care enough to change.
16. “I’m sorry, but you made me do it.”
No one can “make” you do anything. This excuse is a way to shift blame and avoid taking responsibility for their own choices. Toxic people often use this tactic to manipulate you and make you feel guilty for their bad behavior. Remember, you’re not responsible for their actions, and you shouldn’t apologize for something they did.
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