Maybe you dream of falling madly in love with someone at first sight, or you imagine a perfect relationship where you find your soulmate, and they know exactly what you need before you tell them. If that sounds like you, you’re probably a hopeless romantic. But hold up—it could be setting you up for disappointment. Here are 15 tips to help you stop chasing a fairy tale and get real.
1. Stop expecting your partner to be perfect.
You have unrealistic ideas of love if you expect your partner to be flawless, down to what they say and the choices they make. Are you dating a human or a robot? Instead of putting expectations on people you date, let them show you who they are. Their so-called flaws could actually be the things you love most about them, Psychology Today notes.
2. Date outside of your type.
If you’re a hopeless romantic, you might have a detailed list of traits you’re looking for in a partner. Although knowing what you want is a good thing, one of the worst dating tips is to only date people who fit your specific type. If you’re not finding satisfying relationships, the problem could be that you’re choosing the same type of person, and they’re totally wrong for you. Challenge yourself to go on dates with people who don’t tick all your boxes—they might surprise you!
3. View arguing as healthy for your relationship.
You might think that you and your partner have to get along all the time in order for your relationship to be healthy and right for you. But that’s a huge myth. When you disagree with your partner, you have the opportunity to learn more about each other. And, you can deal with relationship issues head-on, instead of trying to pretend they don’t exist, which will only cause more problems.
4. Stop avoiding the red flags.
You might be so desperate to make a relationship work that you ignore the flaws of the person you’re dating. Beware of the red flags! If you miss them, you could commit to a relationship that doesn’t make you feel satisfied or happy, but which you stay in because you’re hoping things will change. By paying attention to the person’s flaws as soon as you see them, you’ll prevent yourself from wasting time on the wrong kind of love.
5. Don’t see your partner as a mind reader.
You might think that your perfect partner will be able to know what you need without asking you beforehand. Sigh. It’s impossible for your partner to know what’s on your mind or in your heart unless you tell them. This might feel like hard work, but it’s a way to foster healthy communication and relationship transparency. That’s the goal!
6. You have to be prepared that your partner will change.
The person you start dating isn’t going to be exactly the same in a few years or decades, so it’s a myth to think that they’re never going to change. Real love is about navigating the changes in yourself and your partner, while supporting each other through good and bad days. If you get upset the second your partner changes a bit, you’re chasing an unrealistic relationship expectation, and it’s going to leave you alone and miserable.
7. Understand romance isn’t the most important thing.
It’s easy to get addicted to that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling when you start dating someone. The honeymoon phase is when you experience strong feelings and lust that make you think the romance will last forever. Although your relationship can be passionate, romance isn’t the most important thing to have. If you don’t have trust, transparency, and communication, passion isn’t going to make your relationship survive. It’s just not enough.
8. Your partner isn’t supposed to be with you every day.
While you might think you and your romantic partner need to be together every day and share all the same experiences, this is unrealistic and makes you a stage-five clinger. Instead of being glued to your partner, you’re supposed to have your own interests and time to yourself to concentrate on the rest of your life. If you’re a hopeless romantic who thinks your relationship’s your only priority, you’ll experience disappointment and miss out on living your life.
9. Get ready to put in the work to keep your relationship afloat.
You’re a hopeless romantic with unrealistic expectations if you think the right relationship will be easy and smooth. This is a sign that you’ve got perfectionist tendencies, and it’s only going to lead to disappointment. A relationship of value that’s worth being in will have bad days sometimes. But, working through them with your partner will make your connection stronger and happier.
10. You can’t try to fix your partner.
If you expect your partner to be perfect, when you realize they have flaws, you might be tempted to try to “fix” them so you can have a perfect relationship. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s not going to happen! Trying to change someone will cause them to become resentful of you. Love your partner for who they are, not for who they can become — that’s not love.
11. Your partner’s not always going to make you happy.
Sure, your partner makes you smile and feel good every day, but guess what? Every relationship has days in which their partner doesn’t make them feel happy. If you’re depending on your relationship to keep you in a good place emotionally, you’re putting too many expectations on it. In addition, it’s unfair to expect your partner to be responsible for your moods. Only you can make yourself genuinely happy every day.
12. You can’t get everything from your partner.
In the same way that your romantic partner can’t be held responsible for making you happy, you also shouldn’t expect them to meet all your needs. That’s a ton of pressure for one person to carry! You need lots of people in your life, instead of assuming that your partner has to also be your psychologist, best friend, financial advisor, and more. That will cause stress in what could’ve been a happy relationship.
13. Your head and heart have to be in sync.
If you allow your emotions to lead you in relationships, you might be someone who wears your heart on your sleeve. You might express how you feel immediately after meeting someone new, or jump straight into a committed relationship with someone you don’t even know. Pace yourself! It’s always valuable to remove your rose-tinted glasses and consider the logical side of things, like if the person’s actually a good match or not. Let your head and heart work together.
14. Stop having a martyr mentality.
If you go into relationships thinking you’ve got to work hard to earn your partner’s love, this can cause you to have a hyper-romantic view of relationships that’s just making you sell yourself short. Relationships are about compromise, not one partner jumping through hoops for the other person while neglecting their own needs. In addition, if you’re such a hopeless romantic that you’re giving so much of yourself in relationships, this makes you a target for toxic people who’ll try to take advantage of you.
15. Embrace the single life.
As a hopeless romantic, you might make finding The One your biggest goal in life, while disliking being single. Perhaps you feel happiest when you’re in a relationship and stressed or depressed when you’re on your own, which motivates you to find someone. Instead of jumping from relationship to relationship, take a break from the dating game. Focus on enriching the rest of your life so you can see that having a relationship isn’t the only thing that’s going to make your life worth living. You’re worth so much more than your relationship status!
