For narcissists, everything is a competition. They can’t handle not being the center of attention or feeling like they’re a failure, so they’ll react in some alarming and unsettling ways. Here are 15 ways in which a narcissist might behave when they’re feeling green with envy about your success.
1. They brush it off.
You get a promotion and tell your friend or co-worker about it. Instead of getting a “Great job!” followed by a hug or high-five, they look at you blankly as though you’ve told them it was cloudy out. It’s unsettling because it makes you wonder if your success was even worthy of sharing and maybe you should’ve kept it to yourself. Just by thinking that, you’re giving the narcissist what they want: to confuse you and make you doubt yourself.
2. They give you a backhanded compliment.
When you’re happy, the narcissist might try to make you feel bad so they don’t feel so jealous. Eek. To achieve this, they commonly throw subtle digs at you, such as backhanded compliments. So, they might say something like, “That’s great you got promoted/got engaged, although it’s a bit surprising.” Ouch.
3. They find something negative to say.
While the narcissist in your life might not criticize your achievement directly or make you feel bad about it with a backhanded compliment, they might still find something negative about the situation to bring you down. For example, they might say, “Oh, you got a promotion? I heard the company lost millions.” Or, “Oh, you’re dating Jeff from accounts? I heard his last relationship didn’t go so well.”
4. They compare you to others.
If the narcissist doesn’t feel like they can compete with you about your latest achievement, they might try to use other people’s success stories to make you feel like your news isn’t such a big deal. For example, if you tell the narcissist that your book got accepted by a publisher, they might say, “Remember our friend Susan? She just got onto the New York Times best-selling list.” Ouch. They do this to diminish your success.
5. They take some of the credit.
When consumed by jealousy, a narcissist might try to share in your success to make themselves feel better. A common tactic is to exaggerate the things they did to support you on your journey. You’ll notice how they start using “we” instead of “you” when talking about your success, like saying, “We came up with some great ideas that got you the job/promotion!”
6. They use your success against you.
When you’re feeling happy about what you’ve achieved, the last thing you need is for someone to throw it back in your face. A narcissist will try to make you feel guilty or shameful about your success so that it reduces the joy surrounding it. They might gaslight you, saying, “I’m having a bad day and you’re throwing your happiness around to make me feel bad.” Even if you know you weren’t boastful, their emotional moment might make you doubt yourself.
7. They play the victim card.
Linked to the previous point, a narcissist might try to gain your sympathy when their ego is bruised. You’re so high up in the sky that they want to drag you back down to earth by playing up their helplessness or struggles. This shifts the attention back onto them, forcing you to help them instead of celebrating your success.
8. They tell you that you’ve changed.
Maybe you’ve found someone amazing to date or are excited to be starting a new business venture. When the narcissist in your life calls you up, they don’t sound happy—they create drama by telling you that you’ve changed in a bad way. They might say, “You don’t have time for me anymore now that you’re in a relationship” or “You’re choosing your dreams over me.” Yikes.
9. They find opportunities to one-up you.
If the narcissist can’t compete with you regarding your specific achievement, they might find other ways to outshine you and show you they’re better than you. Maybe they’ll come to your celebratory party wearing a dress they knew you liked but couldn’t afford. Or, they’ll invite you to play basketball because they know they can beat you.
10. They feel good by association.
Jealous narcissists can sometimes engage in more subtle behavior, like latching onto you and pretending to be happy for you with the secret agenda of using you to make themselves feel good. For example, they might love hanging out with you socially or dating you because you’re successful or popular. It reflects positively on them.
11. They brag about their achievements.
To make themselves feel better about you being successful, narcissists might divert your attention to their achievements, however small or different from yours. They do this to make themselves look good and feel worthy again, while hopefully bringing you down a bit so you don’t feel so great about your life.
12. They bring drama and chaos.
Instead of supporting your goals, a narcissist will find ways to sabotage your efforts while getting your attention. They might do this by creating drama in your life, like staging a “crisis” on the day of your important meeting, or picking a fight with you about something silly so you can’t sleep the night before you have to travel.
13. They create false stories about you.
In extreme cases, a narcissist might be so consumed with envy that they try to hurt you behind your back, like spreading rumors about you to ruin your reputation and make others view you negatively. If you and the narcissist aren’t on good terms, like if you’ve stopped talking to them, this can intensify their smear campaign against you.
14. They undermine your confidence.
Sometimes, a narcissist will fake concern for your well-being to make you doubt yourself or sabotage your success. So, for example, they might say, “Are you sure you’re not working too hard? I’m worried about your health.” They seem to care about you, but they really just care about derailing your success.
15. They fish for compliments.
Instead of trying to bring you down, the narcissist in your life might suddenly be vulnerable with you. They might fish for more compliments and praise so you can boost their self-worth, just as you start chasing and achieving your goals. It’s a manipulative tactic to gain validation and support when their ego is at its most fragile. Yikes, it’s always about them and what they want!
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