Confrontations are never fun. It takes guts to speak up when someone’s actions are negatively impacting you. However, if you want a productive conversation (and not have the whole thing blow up in your face!), there are some phrases to avoid like the plague. Here are some of the more cringe-worthy things some people say in these situations, and what to say instead for a better outcome.
1. “You always…” or “You never…”
These sweeping generalizations are rarely accurate and immediately put the other person on the defensive, Verywell Mind points out. Focus on the specific behavior that’s bothering you, not their entire personality. Instead of “You always interrupt me!,” try “When you cut me off in the meeting earlier, it made me feel like my input wasn’t valued.”
2. “Why are you such a [insert negative label]?”
Name-calling shuts down communication instantly. Maybe they were being inconsiderate, but calling them a jerk won’t solve anything. Explain how their actions impact you, instead of attacking their character. Try: “Leaving your dishes in the sink all day makes me feel frustrated because…”
3. “You’re making me so angry!”
Yes, their behavior might be infuriating, but owning your emotions is key. Blaming them entirely for your anger makes it about you being a victim, not about finding a solution. Try: “When you do [specific action], I feel disrespected/frustrated/etc. because…”
4. Bringing up a laundry list of past grievances
Dredging up old stuff muddies the waters. Stay focused on the specific issue at hand, or it’ll derail the conversation into an endless rehashing of past hurts. Yes, patterns of behavior matter, but address one thing at a time to avoid them feeling overwhelmed.
5. “Everyone else thinks…” or “So-and-so agrees with me that…”
Forming a mob mentality against them won’t get you anywhere. This conversation is between you and them. Focus on how their behavior affects you personally, not on seeking validation from others. Dragging other people into it just creates more drama.
6. Threatening them with ultimatums if they don’t change
Ultimatums can work short-term, but they damage the relationship long-term. The goal should be for them to understand and want to change their behavior, not just comply out of fear. Instead of “If you don’t start being nicer to my friends, this relationship is over,” try explaining why their behavior upsets you and what changes you’d like to see.
7. Using sarcastic remarks or mocking their behavior
It’s tempting to get a little passive-aggressive jab in, especially when feeling hurt. But sarcasm will escalate the situation, not resolve it. Take a deep breath and stick to clear, direct communication about how their actions are negatively impacting you.
8. “You’re being too sensitive.”
Oof, this one’s a classic way to invalidate someone’s feelings. Maybe they are overreacting a little, but starting with this phrase guarantees they won’t hear anything else you say. Acknowledge their emotions first, even if you don’t fully agree: “I can see that this is really upsetting you. Let’s talk about why.”
9. “You need to calm down.”
Telling someone who’s upset that they need to chill makes things worse 100% of the time. It’s dismissive and makes them feel unheard. Instead, try mirroring their emotion: “I see you’re feeling really frustrated right now. Can we take a step back and discuss this more calmly?”
10. “I’m not trying to argue with you about this.”
Stonewalling shuts down communication entirely. If the issue is important enough to bring up, it’s important enough to discuss. Walking away might feel easier in the moment, but it solves nothing. Try: “This is important to me. How about we take a short break and come back to this when we’re both less heated.”
11. “I’m not trying to start a fight, but…”
If you preface your statement with this, you are trying to start a fight (subconsciously, maybe). Own your need to have this conversation. Instead, try: “This is difficult to bring up, but I feel I need to say something.” Honesty diffuses potential defensiveness.
12. “Why can’t you just…”
This phrasing is dripping with judgment, even if you don’t mean it that way. It assumes there’s a simple, obvious fix that they’re just refusing to implement. Behavior change is rarely that easy. Try: “I’m wondering if there’s a different approach we could try that would…”
13. “You should have known better.”
As WebMD notes, guilt-tripping rarely works. If they genuinely didn’t realize how their behavior was affecting you, this makes them feel stupid, not remorseful. Focus on the present impact instead: “When you did [action], it made me feel [emotion]. I didn’t want to make you feel bad, but I needed to let you know.”
14. “Just forget it, it’s not important.”
If it was important enough to start the conversation, don’t back out halfway. This leaves the issue unresolved and breeds resentment. If you’re truly at a point where you need to drop it in that moment, be honest: “I’m not sure I’m expressing myself well right now. Let’s revisit this later.”
15. Exaggerating their behavior to try and prove your point.
Maybe they were mostly on time, but you say “You’re ALWAYS late!” It undermines your credibility. Stick to the facts, avoid inflammatory language, and focus on how the incident made you feel. This keeps the conversation focused on a tangible event, instead of becoming a battle over their entire character.
16. Comparing them to someone else to make them feel bad.
“Why can’t you be more like [other person]?” is a recipe for disaster. It triggers shame and makes them focus on resenting that other person instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. Focus on explaining the behavior changes you’d like to see from them.
17. Minimizing their feelings by saying they shouldn’t feel hurt or upset
Even if you think they’re overreacting a little, their feelings are valid. Saying “You shouldn’t be offended by that” makes them feel unheard and like they don’t have a right to their emotions. Focus on understanding their perspective first before trying to change their mind.
18. Trying to have the conversation during a stressful or inappropriate time
Confronting them when they’re clearly overwhelmed, in front of other people, or when you’re both exhausted is setting yourself up for failure. Choose a time and place where you can both focus and have a real conversation. Try saying, “Hey, is there a good time we can chat sometime today? I have something I’d like to discuss with you.”
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