We all want the best for our parents, right? We want them to be happy, healthy, and fulfilled — and if they’re struggling, it’s natural to want to help. But sometimes, we fall into the trap of thinking we can fix their problems or change who they are. It’s a heavy burden to carry, and it’s not our responsibility.
1. Your parents are adults who are responsible for their own choices.
As much as we love our parents, they’re grown-ups with their own agency. They’ve made their own choices, good and bad, that have led them to where they are today. It’s not your job to fix their mistakes, rescue them from their problems, or force them to change. You can offer support and guidance, but ultimately, they’re the ones who need to take responsibility for their lives.
2. Trying to fix them can create resentment and conflict.
Nobody likes being told what to do, especially by their own child. Your attempts to “fix” your parents might be met with resistance, defensiveness, or even anger. It can create tension and strain in your relationship, making it difficult to connect on a deeper level. Sometimes, the best way to show your love is to accept them as they are, flaws and all, Talkspace reminds us.
3. It’s not your job to make them happy.
As much as we want our parents to be happy, their happiness is not our responsibility. We can offer support, love, and encouragement, but ultimately, it’s up to them to find their own joy and fulfillment. You can’t force someone to be happy, and trying to do so will only lead to frustration and disappointment for both of you.
4. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.
Change is a personal choice. Your parents might recognize their flaws or struggles, but that doesn’t mean they’re ready or willing to change. You can express your concerns, offer support, and encourage them to seek help, but you can’t force them to change. Accepting this reality can be liberating and help you focus on your own well-being.
5. Focusing on fixing them can distract you from your own life.
Worrying about your parents’ problems can consume a lot of your time and energy. It can distract you from your own goals, relationships, and personal growth. It’s important to find a balance between supporting your parents and taking care of your own needs. You can’t be there for them if you’re not taking care of yourself.
6. It’s okay to set boundaries.
Even if you can’t change your parents, you can control how you respond to their behavior. It’s okay to set boundaries to protect yourself from their negativity, drama, or unhealthy patterns. This might mean limiting contact, avoiding certain topics of conversation, or even stepping away from the relationship altogether if it’s too toxic. Remember, your mental and emotional health should always be a priority.
7. Accepting them doesn’t mean condoning their behavior.
You can love your parents unconditionally while still acknowledging their flaws and setting boundaries around their behavior. It’s not about excusing their mistakes or giving them a free pass. It’s about recognizing that they’re human, with their own struggles and limitations. Acceptance doesn’t mean enabling; it means finding a way to have a healthy relationship despite their imperfections.
8. Focus on building a healthy relationship with yourself.
Trying to fix your parents can be a distraction from your own healing and growth. Instead of focusing on their problems, shift your attention inward. Work on building your self-esteem, setting boundaries, and pursuing your own passions. The stronger and healthier you are, the better equipped you’ll be to navigate complex family dynamics and maintain healthy relationships, Psychology Today points out.
9. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Holding onto anger and resentment towards your parents is like drinking poison and expecting them to get sick. It only hurts you in the end. Forgiving them doesn’t mean condoning their actions or forgetting the past. It simply means releasing yourself from the burden of negativity and choosing to move forward with a lighter heart. It’s a gift you give yourself, not them.
10. You can still love them, even if you don’t like everything about them.
It’s perfectly normal to have mixed feelings towards our parents. We can love them deeply while still recognizing their flaws and disagreeing with their choices. It’s okay to feel frustrated, disappointed, or even angry with them at times. Love and acceptance don’t mean blindly agreeing with everything they do. It means acknowledging that they’re human, just like us, and that they’re worthy of our love despite their imperfections.
11. Get support from people who understand.
Dealing with difficult parents can be isolating and emotionally draining. It’s important to seek support from friends, family, therapists, or support groups who can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a safe space to vent your frustrations. Sharing your experiences with people who understand can be incredibly validating and empowering. Remember, you’re not alone in this.
12. Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of your relationship with your parents, try to focus on the positive ones. Maybe they taught you valuable life lessons, supported your dreams, or simply made you laugh. Cherishing those positive memories can help you cultivate gratitude and appreciation for the good times, even if there were also challenging ones.
13. Learn from their mistakes.
Our parents’ mistakes can be valuable learning opportunities for us. By observing their choices and the consequences that followed, we can gain valuable insights into how we want to live our own lives. We can learn what behaviors to avoid, what values to prioritize, and how to build healthier relationships with other people. In a way, our parents’ mistakes can become our stepping stones towards a better future.
14. Celebrate your own individuality and independence.
You are your own person, with your own unique strengths, talents, and aspirations. Embrace your individuality and celebrate your independence. Don’t let your parents’ expectations or opinions define who you are or limit your potential. Forge your own path, follow your own dreams, and create a life that is authentically yours. Remember, your happiness and well-being are not dependent on their approval.
15. It’s never too late to build a better relationship.
While we can’t change our parents, we can always work on improving our relationship with them, Psych Central notes. By communicating openly and honestly, setting healthy boundaries, and focusing on the positive aspects of our connection, we can create a more fulfilling and supportive dynamic. It may not always be easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort. Remember, a loving and respectful relationship with our parents is a gift that keeps on giving.
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