So, you’ve found a girl. Yay! Do you want my best advice, as a girl whose heart has been captured (and sealed with a diamond + two babies)? Here it goes: Slow. Your. Roll. Slow down. If you want to capture her heart, pump the breaks. Here’s why:
1. Fast can get creepy. Quick.
You can’t go from just friends (or not friends at all) to hanging off a Ferris wheel begging her for a date. That’s weird. You’ll scare her off before you even have a chance. And I say that in the nicest way possible, as a pal who wants the absolute best for you.
2. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
I know, sometimes the tension between being infatuated/in love and being an obsessed stalker is a real balancing act. I get it. I’ve had my share of late-night deep dives into the relatives’ Facebook pages of past lovers. But take a breath. Think, “Is this behavior anything I’ve ever seen on the ID channel?” Honestly, that’s a pretty decent barometer.
3. Put some thought into it.
If you like this girl, then you want to woo her the best you can! You want to show her that she’s worth the effort. Sleep on it, put some thought into your romancing. Generic can be adorable (I’ll never say no to roses), but originality and thoughtfulness will always mean more to a girl!
4. Do you actually know her?
This is for your benefit, friend! Do you know anything about her? Attraction doesn’t always depend on logistical factors. It’s annoying that way. Those factors are important, too! Like, do you like her personality? Can you actually see yourself, say, shopping for toilet bowl cleaner together?
5. Let her know you!
You’re probably really great. Let her get the chance to see you as you are, without the “fluff” of the pursuit. Don’t just tell her you’re mature, emotionally intelligent, and thoughtful. Show her! Give her a chance to base her decision off of you as a person, not your romantic gestures. You’ll both be happier this way.
6. Friendship matters.
Attraction just isn’t enough for more than a fling. When you’re her friend, you become a safe space (and she becomes the same for you). According to Dr. John Gottman, “long-term vitality and connection is maintained through moments of intentional friendship.” Friendship is essential to a long-lasting, strong relationship! And a solid friendship takes time to cultivate!
7. Let her see you in a group.
If you aren’t already woven into the fabric of her social life, you pose an element of higher risk. She needs to see how you interact with the people around you. Let her see how you mesh with her friends. And I don’t just mean one “group hang” in a loud bar. Let her friends get a chance to know you and to like you. If her people like you, your chances increase!
8. Consistency is key.
Anyone can be romantic for a week or two. If you want to truly capture her heart, you need to let her see you being thoughtful and sweet on a regular basis. This doesn’t mean chocolates and candles every week for a year, necessarily. There are small, meaningful ways to show your intentions consistently. But she needs to know this isn’t just love bombing. Take the time to show her that you’re serious!
9. If you can’t play the long game, you don’t get long-term.
If you only want her now, if you’re going to give up if you don’t have a date next week, then let’s maybe consider the possibility that you don’t actually want a long-term relationship. Because, the truth is, those take work and time. The long game is essential. Patience is a virtue, my guy.
10. The small moments are the biggest ones.
Unfortunately, life isn’t all big teddy bears and red roses. Be there for her in regular, everyday life. Send encouraging texts the morning of a big project or interview. Help her move a fridge out of her dorm room. Drop off a random Tuesday Diet Coke. She needs to know you’re there, you’ve got her, in every kind of regular, mundane way.
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