Fighting with your partner about money is really common. In fact, a study found that approximately 42 percent of adults in the U.S. have disagreements with their partners about their finances, while 27 percent fight about money on a monthly or weekly basis. If you’re always nitpicking about money and it’s making your relationship stressful, there could be some important underlying issues to tackle. Here are 15 things to consider so you can quit arguing about every penny.
1. You’re not open to talking about money
It can feel uncomfortable for people to talk about their finances—some have been raised to think that talking about money is inappropriate. But if couples don’t communicate about money, this can lead to ongoing, hidden tension in the relationship.
How to fix it: It’s important to schedule time on a weekly or monthly basis to have financial conversations so you’re both informed about your money. Choose a time and place that’s convenient and when you’re calm and relaxed. Never have money talks when you’re stressed or frustrated, as that will increase tensions. It’s also a good idea to schedule an appointment with your financial advisor so you can discuss any concerns in a formal, less uncomfortable setting where you might find it easier to be honest.
2. You and your partner have different “money brains”
Research has found that people who save money experience pain when forced to spend it, which is known as “the pain of paying.” This causes them to try to spend less money, and if you and your partner have different money approaches, this can lead to concerns for both of you. For example, savers might worry about not having enough retirement savings, while spenders might worry about not being able to maintain their current lifestyle.
How to fix it: Speak up about your money-related anxieties and let your partner do the same, in a safe, empathetic space. Frame your concerns with “I” statements to avoid being accusatory. For example, it’s more effective to say, “I feel anxious about not sticking to our budget” instead of, “You always spend too much.” This will help you see each other’s perspectives without falling into a fighting trap.
3. You don’t know how to resolve the issues
One of the reasons why couples keep fighting about money is because it’s sometimes difficult to resolve financial issues. For example, if you’re in debt or worried about your financial future, you might not get a resolution right away. And, since money arguments can be tense, they’re usually filled with anxiety and stress. This can make it more challenging for partners to find constructive solutions to their financial issues.
How to fix it: To avoid getting caught in a fighting pattern, it’s essential to bring in a third party, such as a therapist, who can help you uncover the emotional or other issues underlying the financial concerns and struggles. They’ll also help you and your partner better communicate and compromise when it comes to money.
4. You have different money experiences
Your experiences with money are shaped by many things, such as how your parents treated money and if you grew up well off or living paycheck to paycheck. Your partner might have totally different experiences that have shaped their financial views, which can lead to tensions and differences in your relationship.
How to fix it: It’s useful to have regular chats about what these experiences have been like for you. Ask each other questions about money, such as, “How did your parents handle money?” and “What’s the best/worst financial decision you’ve made?” By learning more about your money experiences, you can gain a better understanding of how your partner perceives money and what financial improvements you can make.
5. You and your partner have different money knowledge
Partners might have different levels of financial education which can cause issues. For example, one partner might have lots of knowledge about how to invest their money and avoid debt, whereas the other might lack basic money literacy. These differences can create tension, especially if one partner tries to control the relationship with their knowledge.
How to fix it: It’s essential to understand and respect each other’s views and education level, instead of making your partner feel inferior for lacking financial understanding. It’s also a good idea to learn more about money together, like by listening to financial podcasts or reading books. There’s always more to learn and it’s a bonding experience.
6. You’re really fighting about trust issues
Sometimes money issues can show up because they’re reflecting deeper issues, such as a lack of trust in the relationship. For example, if one person spends money on large purchases without first consulting their partner, this can make their partner feel invalidated and isolated. Similarly, if they lend money to friends without considering their partner’s views, this can cause fighting.
How to fix it: It’s important to talk about your feelings regarding each other’s financial decisions, so that underlying trust issues can be dealt with. You should also commit to following through on financial agreements you set together so that reliability and trust can be rebuilt.
7. You’re being influenced by people outside of the relationship
It’s frustrating when couples allow people outside of the relationship to exert power over them. For example, one person might lend lots of money to their family, which makes their partner feel angry or frustrated. Or, one person might allow their loved ones to influence their lifestyle negatively, such as by encouraging them to spend a lot of money.
How to fix it: To prevent fighting, you and your partner should establish clear boundaries around your relationship, especially your views on lending money to others. It’s also a good idea to allocate a specific amount of money each partner can use at their discretion.
8. You’re fighting because of control issues
If one partner uses money to manipulate the other, this is a problem. For example, if one partner controls the finances by restricting their partner’s access to money or by making all the financial decisions in the relationship, it causes an imbalance. It can also lead to more conflict because the controlled partner will feel like they’re inferior in the relationship.
How to fix it: Understand why your partner feels the need to control the finances. There could be underlying insecurities driving their behavior. Both you and your partner should be allowed to express your needs and concerns. Actively listening to each other will help you get to the bottom of the issue.
9. You could be fighting about security.
Couples might always be fighting about money because the real issue is about their financial security or lack thereof. For example, if one partner is putting themselves into major debt, it can become a burden and prevent them from building enough security for their future. This can also derail a couple’s mutual goals and add stress to the relationship.
How to fix it: It’s important for couples to set mutual financial goals regarding the future so they’re on the same page. It’s also helpful to allocate money to their respective financial endeavors—if they’re able to make their own decisions in some financial areas, it’ll help them feel their needs are being met.
10. You’re fighting about income disparities.
If one partner in the relationship is earning more income than the other, this could cause feelings of inequality, leading to jealousy or competition. For example, a higher-earning partner might feel entitled to make all the financial decisions, while the lower-earning partner might feel inferior or invalidated, instead of being heard.
How to fix it: Creating a budget that reflects both incomes can be useful to ensure both partners are on the same page and share the household contributions. It’s also important to identify each partner’s strengths, financial and otherwise, to benefit the relationship in more ways than just financially.
11. You have different relationship goals.
Sometimes people fight about money because they want to fund different goals that clash with their partner’s. The issue, therefore, isn’t money but what they want to do with it. For example, one partner might want to use the money to purchase a new car or house, whereas their partner might want to use the money to travel the world. This can lead to arguments related to their relationship aspirations.
How to fix it: Partners should acknowledge and respect each other’s goals, while supporting them. Brainstorming mutual goals can also be useful to encourage teamwork so partners feel like they’re working towards a happy future with their partners.
12. You fight about what money represents for you.
Everyone has different ideas of what money symbolizes to them, and this can conflict with their partner’s ideas. For example, one partner might see money as freedom, while the other might see money as a way to gain more security in life. If these values clash, it can lead to lots of conflict.
How to fix it: Communicate regularly about each other’s values and desires, and be willing to compromise. For example, you could allocate a portion of your budget for investments and another portion for leisure and hobbies. Keep it fair so both you and your partner feel that your money is working for you.
13. You have different ideas about how much money is enough.
If partners have different ideas of how much money they need to live and thrive, this can cause larger issues in the relationship. For example, one partner might want to climb the corporate ladder to gain financial security or status, while the other might not want to pursue a high-flying career. This can impact things like how they plan for the future, what they do in their spare time, and more.
How to fix it: It’s important to check in with your partner regularly about their views on money and their career, while respecting each other’s needs. Setting boundaries can help you have a healthy work-life balance so money doesn’t rule you. It’s also good to try to find ways to enjoy quality time together without money being required.
14. You could be fighting about parenting issues.
If a couple has children together, fighting about money could be a way to express frustration with their different parenting modes. For example, they might argue about spending money on the children’s schooling, activities, hobbies, and material goods. One parent could be strict with money while the other buys their children lavish gifts.
How to fix it: It’s useful to stay focused on what’s best for your children and make decisions based on their needs to reduce conflict. Scheduling regular meetings to work on a parenting budget can help you and your partner better adjust your plans so you both stay within your means.
15. You’re fighting about combining your finances.
In some relationships, couples might want to have joint bank accounts and investments, which can make them feel like more of a team. In others, people might want to keep their money separate from their partners. Although there are no right or wrong decisions, these choices often lead to larger questions about trust and transparency in the relationship.
How to fix it: To accommodate your different ideas, consider a hybrid approach. This could involve having joint and individual accounts for different things. For example, you could have a joint account for shared expenses like rent and groceries, and individual accounts for personal spending. This strikes a healthier balance.
