We all slip into bad habits, men included. The goal isn’t to make him feel awful, but to inspire him to be his best self. Shaming attacks character, leading to resentment. Instead, focus on behavior, frame it collaboratively, and appeal to the man you know he wants to be underneath any temporary lapse in judgment.
1. Pick your timing wisely.
Never challenge him in front of other people – that’s humiliation, not healthy communication. Also, avoid bringing up serious talks when either of you is stressed, tired, or hungry. Choose a calm moment when you can both focus and give the conversation the attention it deserves. This way, he’s more likely to be receptive.
2. Use “I” statements over “you” accusations.
Instead of “You always…” which feels like a character indictment, try: “When [behavior], I feel [emotion]. Can we find a way to…?” This focuses on how his actions impact you, not a fundamental flaw in him. This makes him more likely to listen without becoming defensive.
3. Start with appreciation and shared goals.
Remind him you’re a team by saying something along the lines of, “I love how supportive you are, but I’m struggling because…” Lead with what you do value in him rather than focusing on the stuff you’re not that jazzed about. When it’s framed as working together to improve a situation you both care about, he’s more likely to be receptive to the feedback.
4. Avoid exaggerations.
These rarely reflect reality and make him instantly tune out, as Psychology Today points out. Focus on specific, recent examples. If you blanket-shame him for “never helping with chores,” he has too much ammunition to argue. Specifics like, “This week, I did dishes every night…” are harder to dismiss. Does this border on nagging? Maybe, but sometimes needs must…
5. Focus on the future rather than harping on the past.
The goal is to find solutions moving forward. Dredging up past hurts becomes ammunition for him to counter-attack. Try: “I’m not trying to bring up old stuff, but how can we avoid… [undesired behavior] in the future? Would… [suggestion] work for you?”
6. Offer to share the load a bit.
If you want him to step up, ensure there’s space for him to do so. “Can we create a chore chart?” is less intimidating than “Why don’t you just DO something?!”. It invites collaboration. Suggesting practical solutions reduces his resistance, as it’s not just nagging, it’s problem-solving.
7. Focus on “because” rather than “why.”
“Why didn’t you do X?” feels accusatory. “I was really counting on X because…” explains the impact of his inaction. This shifts it from an interrogation to about consequences. Men are often solution-oriented – show him the problem caused by the behavior, and he’s more likely to self-correct.
8. Validate his good intentions (even when his execution sucks).
Maybe he meant well but genuinely struggles with follow-through. “I know you care, and it’d mean the world to me if we could…” acknowledges that he’s not malicious, just imperfect. This softens the ground for you to ask for a specific change to get the results you both desire. That being said, if his inability to complete tasks or stay true to his word becomes a permanent fixture in your relationship, you may need to head for the hill.
9. Highlight the positive side of change.
Paint a picture of what improvement looks like if he needs it. It’s less enticing to hear what he’s doing wrong than how awesome things could be if he tweaks his behavior. Saying something like, “Imagine how much more relaxed our weekends would be if we…” focuses on the shared benefit.
10. Don’t be afraid of silence.
After expressing your concern, stop talking. Let him absorb it. Rushing to fill the silence lets him off the hook to process and respond thoughtfully. Count to ten in your head if needed. This forces him to engage, rather than passively waiting for your monologue to end.
11. Listen to his perspective.
You cannot expect to be heard if you don’t listen in return. Ask open-ended questions: “What’s making that difficult for you?” “How can I help make that easier?” Understand any resistance before trying to bulldoze solutions. It makes him part of the process, not just someone being told what to do.
12. Be willing to compromise.
You might not get 100%, so are you okay with 80% improvement? Meet him halfway where possible, USA Today suggests. “Could you at least text if you’ll be late, even if you don’t know the exact time?” shows flexibility. Total rigidity makes him more likely to fully retreat.
13. Check your own expectations.
Are your standards realistic? If you expect immediate perfection, set yourself up for disappointment. Break down desired changes into smaller steps. Celebrate ANY progress enthusiastically, which is far more motivating than focusing on what he’s still lacking.
14. Separate the behavior from the person.
“I feel unappreciated when you …” is very different from “You’re an ungrateful jerk!” Challenge the action, not his core worthiness as a human being. This keeps the conversation focused on finding a solution, rather than making him defend his fundamental character.
15. Pick your battles (because you can’t fix everything at once).
Incessant nagging over every little thing leads to tune-out. Tackle the most important issue first. Once he sees success is possible, he may be more receptive to further improvement down the line. But overwhelming him with criticisms extinguishes motivation to change anything.
16. Don’t take setbacks personally.
Change is hard! Slipping back into old habits isn’t disrespect to you, it’s how the human brain works. Instead of anger, try: “Hey, I noticed [old behavior], are we struggling with the new way? Want to revisit it?” This frames it as teamwork against the problem, not you versus him.
17. Celebrate the wins.
When he does improve, make a big deal about it! Positive reinforcement is far more potent than focusing on the negative. “Thank you for [positive action], it makes a huge difference for me” motivates him to continue the new behavior to keep getting that loving validation.
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