It’s important to be compassionate, but sometimes manipulative people mistake your genuine helpfulness for weakness. Setting boundaries with the people who drain you isn’t mean, it’s self-preservation. Recognizing these common tactics helps you spot potential exploiters before they have a chance to take advantage, which ensures your kindness is extended to the people who actually deserve it.
1. They use excessive flattery at the beginning of the relationship.
Manipulators often love bomb you early on, the Cleveland Clinic warns – think effusive compliments, seeming fascinated by you, and acting like the connection you have is unlike any they’ve ever experienced before. This creates a false sense of specialness and makes you hooked on their validation. Healthy connections have a slower burn; mistrust anyone laying it on too thick too soon, especially if you barely know them.
2. They always want your help but never offer theirs.
Kindness is a two-way street, yet manipulators are all about take, not give. Notice if there’s a pattern of you bailing them out, but they conveniently vanish when YOU need something. True friendship involves reciprocity, even if it’s not perfectly balanced at all times, there’s an overall sense of mutual support.
3. They guilt trip you to get their way.
“If you were a good friend, you’d…” is their weapon. They twist situations to make you feel obligated to give what they want, even if it harms you. Healthy people express needs clearly; manipulation uses shame to make you cave. Remember, you’re not responsible for managing their emotions.
4. They play the victim all the damn time.
Everything is someone else’s fault; they’re constantly wronged. This evokes your sympathy, but it’s a trap! It absolves them of responsibility for their behavior and shifts the focus onto you needing to “fix” them. While everyone has bad days, manipulative folks make this their ENTIRE personality, draining your emotional energy.
5. They give you small “tests” to see how much you’ll tolerate.
They’re late for a coffee date with a lame excuse, or they throw a mildly insulting joke disguised as teasing your way. They’re pushing your boundaries subtly. If you react minimally, they learn you’re easily brushed off, then escalate. A simple “That’s not cool” early on sets a standard. Manipulators target those who avoid confrontation to get what they want.
6. They downplay or brush off your feelings.
You express being hurt? “You’re so sensitive”, “Can’t you take a joke?” This dismisses your valid emotions and makes you question yourself. In healthy relationships, hurt feelings are discussed with care, not made into a character flaw. Manipulators want to invalidate you so they can continue doing as they please without consequence.
7. Everything’s a crisis — and you’re expected to drop your life for them.
Manipulators thrive on drama. That constant need for rescuing makes them feel important. Of course, helping a friend in genuine need is kind! But notice the pattern: is it always urgent, with them demanding you rearrange everything? This creates the illusion that your own life priorities are less crucial than their manufactured emergencies.
8. They throw tantrums when they don’t get their way.
Switch from seemingly sweet to enraged in a heartbeat if you refuse a request. This is emotional blackmail meant to scare you into compliance. While everyone loses their cool sometimes, it becomes a pattern with manipulators. They only do it with people they think will back down in fear, not those who stand firm.
9. They tell you sob stories to gain your sympathy.
Painting themselves as the victim of a horrible ex creates that urge in you to be the “good” partner now, but watch for one-sided tales where they bear zero responsibility for why it ended. It’s fine to have past hurt, but manipulative people use it to excuse bad behavior in the present while positioning you as their savior.
10. They sulk when you disagree with them.
Healthy relationships have space for differing opinions. Manipulators make your love seem contingent on always agreeing with them. The silent treatment, coldness, etc., are tools to train you that challenging their views has unpleasant consequences. This erodes your own sense of self over time.
11. They make vague promises about how things will change.
“I know I messed up, BUT I’ll be better, I swear!” This appeals to your kind heart to give them another chance. Yet, no concrete actions follow. Change takes WORK, not just words. Manipulators rely on your hopefulness to keep you hooked on a better future that never actually materializes.
12. They isolate you from the people who care about you.
It’s subtle. Maybe they make critical remarks about your friends, or they suggest plans when they know you’re busy. Their goal is to make you dependent on them. Notice if being around them makes you feel cut off from your usual support system. This makes it harder to get outside perspective and easier for them to control you.
13. They twist your words to paint you as the bad guy.
This is gaslighting at its finest. They provoke a reaction, then act like the victim of your meanness. It makes you doubt your own sanity. If arguments escalate quickly and always seem to get flipped back on you, despite your best intentions, that’s a massive red flag. Healthy people may miscommunicate, but they work to resolve it, not make you feel crazy.
14. Their favors always come with strings attached.
“I did this for you, so now you OWE me…” A kind person helps freely, while a manipulator keeps score. That gift was never really a gift, but a transaction. This fosters a sense of perpetual obligation that’s hard to break free from, even when what they ask for is unreasonable.
15. They’re always moving the goalposts to stay in control.
You agree to help with X, they then demand X, Y, AND Z. Compromising with a manipulator is useless because once you concede, there’s always a further ask, Verywell Mind points out. Learn to hold your ground early on, with a simple “I agreed to X, I can’t do more than that.” Their reaction will tell you a lot.
16. They break your trust, then blame you for being suspicious.
Let you down repeatedly, yet get angry when you hesitate the next time they ask something. “Why don’t you trust me?!” is their weapon. This aims to make you feel guilty for having completely valid caution. Healthy relationships are built on reliability; chronic flakiness should erode trust, not be dismissed as you being “difficult”.
17. They expect you to read their mind.
Then get upset when you don’t magically know what they want. This is a control tactic disguised as a romantic test. Healthy partners communicate needs openly. Manipulators create a scenario where you’re always failing to meet their unspoken expectations, allowing them to play the perpetually unsatisfied martyr.
18. Their apologies are all about them.
“I’m sorry YOU feel that way”, “I guess I’m just a terrible person”… These non-apologies focus on their own hurt, not taking responsibility for hurting YOU. A genuine apology acknowledges the impact of their actions, expresses remorse, and has a plan to prevent it from happening again. Without that, it’s just words to appease you.
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