If you’ve ever gotten involved with a narcissist, you know how easy it can be to fall for their charm. When things are good, and you comply with their wishes, everything will feel normal, almost blissful. However, the second you choose to assert yourself, the mask comes off, and the narcissist reveals their true colors. They amp up attempts at manipulation and coercion and, in their desperation, become less skilled at concealing their motives. If you’re searching for signs that you’re dealing with a narcissist who’s losing their grip on their supply, we have compiled some ways that a narcissist might act when they can’t control you so you can be on the lookout.
1. They become hostile.
Narcissists often react to their victims challenging their authority with anger or aggression. A previously docile or charming narcissist may have temper spikes that can be disarming and even frightening to their victim. This is an attempt at regaining dominance and forcing their victim into submission. This can be a dangerous situation, as narcissists may resort to physical violence against themselves, their victim, or their property, Choosing Therapy warns.
2. They play the victim.
Guilt is a powerful tool that narcissists employ to maintain control over their victims. They can flip the script and turn their bad behavior into a situation where they claim to feel coerced or misunderstood. This, in turn, often makes the person questioning them take a step back. Narcissists use this to garner sympathy, support, or guilt from their source, hoping that it will allow them to continue to extract energy from them. They may also play up their suffering or struggles in hopes of forcing others to provide them with support or concessions to their needs.
3. They engage in dangerous behavior.
Often, when grappling with a situation where we don’t have much power, we seek out ways to be in control. As most of us know, in some cases, the only thing we can control is ourselves. Frequently, this idea turns into self-harming or self-destructive behaviors. Not being able to hurt others, the narcissist may hurt themselves. They may also resort to using drugs or engaging in reckless decision-making. Narcissists will also threaten these behaviors to garner sympathy from their victims and use harm on themselves to leverage forgiveness or compliance.
4. They blame other people.
Narcissists never accept responsibility for their bad behavior. They won’t, as it might make people question them, making it harder to exploit them. A narcissist who has been exposed may make extra efforts to offset blame onto another party or the victim. If they’re caught explicitly texting someone, they will shift the blame to the person they’re texting. He might say, “They came onto me,” or “They’re obsessed and wouldn’t leave me alone.” This can distort the victim’s perception and may pacify them, meaning the narcissist gets a bit of control back.
5. They gaslight.
Narcissists thrive on the illusion that they craft around their victims. This is why distorting their point of view and changing the narrative around issues that cause strain is so important. Gaslighting is a way to make victims doubt their perception of events or their ability to understand. This doubt is a powerful tool that narcissists can exploit to regain power. If you don’t trust your perceptions, they gain a lot of power to tell you what is and isn’t real to keep you complacent.
6. They give the silent treatment.
Silent treatment is a technique where you withdraw from speaking or giving attention to your charge to gain power. The absence may trigger the fear of abandonment, making the charge more willing to fall in line to restore communication with the narcissist. This is a simple yet effective tool that works exceptionally well on victims with an anxious attachment style. This passive-aggressive gesture is also great for shutting down dissent or arguments with the victim. Denying them closure or reaction may leave the victim no choice but to win them back.
7. They hover.
When a narcissist realizes their grip on their victim is loosening, they might become hyper-attentive to them. They won’t let the victim leave the house without them, or they’ll be looking over their shoulder when they’re on their phone. They may be looking for confirmation that the victim is getting ready to withdraw, or information that they can use to help them change their mind. It can feel extremely suffocating to have a narcissist hovering, as you have no privacy and have to walk on eggshells to appease them.
8. They resort to sabotage.
If a narcissist can’t have what they want and they assume the end of their source is near, they won’t hesitate to self-destruct. They’ll blow the whole thing up if it means they don’t have to be left alone in the end. They may decide to be unfaithful in a relationship, so they have a reason to end things or start a huge fight on an important day to abandon their charge at a vulnerable time. This is one of the few times narcissists are willing to be seen in a bad light, as they likely will only resort to this when they are sure there is no chance of regaining control.
9. They use triangulation.
When a narcissist is losing control, it gloves off; they’re ready to fight dirty and win at any cost. Triangulation is bringing a third party into a relationship or situation that creates competition or a diversion that allows them to further their agenda. They can make their victim jealous by spending time with or praising the third party, meaning the victim is more likely to vie for their position. This dirty tactic often thrives on a lack of communication and exploiting natural insecurities.
10. They’ll make themselves seem more important.
Narcissists are already prone to self-importance and grandiosity. However, when they see their influence decreasing, they may feel the need to amp up these traits and peacock to reassert their dominance. They’ll exaggerate their role in their victim’s life and imply that they have special traits a victim can’t find elsewhere. By doing this, narcissists may inspire doubt in the victim’s mind about leaving, all while maintaining their ego.
11. They resort to more extreme forms of manipulation.
If the narcissist you were dealing with is a liar, the narcissist who’s losing control is a full-blown gaslighter with an alternate personality. Emotional blackmail, gaslighting on a grand scale, and trauma bonding are all techniques that a narcissist might employ as a last-ditch effort to try to get you to stay. They will lie and block the truth at every turn because they know you will cut them off if you find out the truth. This can be an extremely emotionally taxing and disorienting position to be in, so if you find yourself dealing with this, it’s important to get out ASAP.
12. They seek validation.
A narcissist who is on the brink of losing their source still needs attention. So when they do not get it from you, they will find validation in any number of other places. They may get on dating apps to validate their attractiveness or desirability, fish for compliments, or demand special treatment. This is so they can maintain their ego, feelings of superiority, and, most importantly, control. By getting this validation from others, narcissists surreptitiously drain their energy, and this feeds their twisted desires.
13. They give ultimatums.
We all are guilty of offering an ultimatum when the chips are down. It’s a desperate bid to another person to meet your needs that requires immediate action and commitment from the person you’re offering it to. Narcissists may use this to buy themselves time or reassert their control in a situation where a victim is close to withdrawing. Narcissists will often leverage compliance or specific actions against something they have power over, such as housing, safety, or well-being. An example of an ultimatum like this could be, “If you don’t stop talking to your friends, I’m kicking you out.”
14. They ghost.
Narcissists hate to be left out to dry. They may play the victim, but they play a strategic game to make sure that they never lose. This is why, when a narcissist senses they’ve lost control or their charge is preparing to leave, they will disappear. If you plan to break up with them on date night, expect they won’t show up. This serves two purposes for the narcissist. For one, they don’t have to face rejection, and two, the ease of their leaving may prompt their charge to come crawling back to get closure, leaving them open to recapturing.
15. They love-bomb.
When a narcissist realizes that their charge is not as invested in them or may have doubts about their character, they make a point to sweeten the pot. They’ll try to make you feel special and appreciated, but it’s best to know this is just a charade. They will buy you flowers, take you out to eat, compliment you, and lavish you with attention — for a while. Love-bombing usually comes after a period of especially bad treatment when the narcissist realizes that they may be able to win you over with honey instead of vinegar. However, they won’t be able to keep this act up for long, so prepare for a brutal comedown from the high.
