We all know those folks who seem to have an uncanny knack for navigating social situations with grace and empathy. They just seem to get people, right? Well, part of that secret sauce is their ability to pick up on subtle cues and phrases that often go unnoticed by the rest of us. These are the kind of toxic remarks that can subtly undermine relationships and create unnecessary drama. As a result, people with emotional intelligence would never be heard saying these things.
1. “It’s not a big deal.”
Sometimes, things really aren’t a big deal. But when someone consistently dismisses your feelings or concerns with this phrase, it’s a red flag. Emotionally intelligent people understand that everyone’s experiences are valid, and minimizing someone’s emotions is a surefire way to make them feel unheard.
2. “You’re too sensitive.”
This one’s a classic. It’s often used to shut down someone who’s expressing vulnerability or hurt. Emotionally intelligent people recognize that sensitivity is not a weakness, but a valuable trait that allows us to connect deeply with other people and the world around us. Telling someone they’re “too sensitive” is a way of invalidating their emotions and discouraging open communication.
3. “I was just joking.”
Humor can be a wonderful way to connect and lighten the mood, but it can also be a weapon when used to disguise hurtful comments. If someone repeatedly uses this phrase after making a hurtful remark, it’s a sign they might be unwilling to take responsibility for their words or consider the impact they have on other people.
4. “You always…” or “You never…”
These absolute statements are rarely accurate and often used to paint someone in a negative light. Emotionally intelligent people prefer to address specific behaviors rather than making sweeping generalizations about someone’s character. It’s more constructive to say, “I felt hurt when you did this,” rather than accusing someone of “always” doing something hurtful.
5. “Calm down.”
Telling someone to “calm down” when they’re already upset is like pouring gasoline on a fire, Dr. Susan Bernstein warns. It invalidates their emotions and can escalate the situation further. Emotionally intelligent people understand that it’s more helpful to listen to someone’s concerns and offer support than to tell them how they “should” be feeling.
6. “I told you so.”
This phrase might feel satisfying in the moment, but it’s ultimately unproductive and hurtful. It doesn’t solve the problem at hand, and it can make the other person feel even worse about their mistake. Emotionally intelligent people focus on finding solutions and offering support, rather than rubbing someone’s face in their past errors.
7. “You should be grateful.”
Gratitude is a wonderful thing, but it’s important to remember that it’s not always appropriate or helpful to remind someone of all the things they “should” be grateful for. This can come across as dismissive and minimizing of their current struggles. Emotionally intelligent people offer empathy and support without attaching strings or expectations of gratitude.
8. “That’s just the way I am.”
While it’s true that we all have our own unique personalities and quirks, using this phrase as an excuse for hurtful behavior is a cop-out. Emotionally intelligent people understand that growth and self-improvement are lifelong journeys. They take responsibility for their actions and strive to be the best versions of themselves.
9. “Why are you so upset?”
This question, often asked with a tone of disbelief or annoyance, can make someone feel like their emotions are unwarranted or excessive. Emotionally intelligent people understand that everyone reacts differently to situations, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Instead of questioning someone’s emotional state, they offer empathy and support, asking “What’s going on?” or “How can I help?”
10. “You’re overreacting.”
Similar to “calm down,” this phrase dismisses someone’s feelings and implies they’re not justified in their emotional response. Emotionally intelligent people know that everyone has a different threshold for what they consider upsetting or stressful. Instead of judging someone’s reaction, they try to understand the underlying cause of their distress and offer support accordingly.
11. “Don’t take it personally.”
While this phrase is often intended to be reassuring, it can actually invalidate someone’s feelings. If someone’s behavior or words have hurt you, it’s perfectly natural to take it personally. Emotionally intelligent people acknowledge the impact their actions have on people and take responsibility for their words and behaviors. They don’t try to minimize the hurt they’ve caused by telling someone not to take it personally.
12. “It’s your fault.”
Blaming someone for a problem rarely leads to a constructive solution. Emotionally intelligent people focus on finding solutions and working together rather than pointing fingers. Even if someone has made a mistake, it’s more helpful to focus on how to fix it or prevent it from happening again, rather than dwelling on who’s to blame.
13. “You wouldn’t understand.”
This phrase shuts down communication and creates a sense of distance between people. Emotionally intelligent people believe in the power of empathy and try to see things from other people’s perspectives, even if they haven’t personally experienced the same thing. They’re open to hearing about other people’s experiences and learning from them, even if it’s something they don’t fully understand.
14. “Whatever.”
This dismissive response is a surefire way to make someone feel unheard and unimportant. It shows a lack of interest in their thoughts and feelings and can quickly shut down communication. Emotionally intelligent people actively listen to other people and engage in meaningful conversations, even if they disagree with their perspective.
15. “I don’t care.”
This phrase, whether said directly or implied through actions, can be incredibly hurtful. It signals a lack of empathy and concern for the other person’s feelings. Emotionally intelligent people genuinely care about how they come off to other people. They show compassion and understanding, even in difficult situations.
16. “Stop being so dramatic.”
This phrase is often used to belittle someone’s emotional expression and make them feel like their concerns are trivial. Emotionally intelligent people understand that everyone expresses their emotions differently, and there’s no one-size-fits-all way to react to a situation. They validate people’s feelings and offer support, rather than judging them for their emotional responses.
17. “You’re crazy.”
This hurtful label is not only dismissive, but also stigmatizing. It trivializes mental health struggles and can make someone feel ashamed or invalidated. Emotionally intelligent people choose their words carefully and avoid using labels that can be hurtful or harmful. They offer support and understanding, even if they don’t fully understand what someone is going through.
