We’ve all been there—you’re excited about something, and your partner finds a way to rain on your parade. Or maybe you’re just going about your day, and they seem to have a comment for everything you do. According to Kansas State University, living with a constantly critical partner can be exhausting and, most importantly, damaging to your self-esteem. But don’t worry, there are ways to address this issue and improve your relationship, like these 15 approaches.
1. Figure out the root cause
First things first, try to understand why your partner is so critical. Did they grow up with extremely critical parents? Are they insecure due to years of bullying? Whatever it is, try to get to the bottom of the issue. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but understanding where they’re coming from and why they’re doing what they’re doing can help you approach the situation with empathy and find better solutions.
2. Communicate openly
Nothing will get better if you don’t talk to your partner about how their criticism makes you feel. Use “I” statements like “I feel hurt when you criticize my cooking” instead of “You always criticize everything I do.” Not only is this less accusatory, but talking about how you feel makes it less likely the other person will get defensive.
3. Ask for specific feedback
If your partner is always saying vague critical things, like “I hate that—you always do that,” ask for specific, actionable feedback. After all, how are you supposed to make things better if you don’t know what you need to make better? It turns criticism into constructive advice and can help your partner communicate their issues more positively.
4. Use the sandwich method
When you need to address your partner’s critical behavior, use the sandwich method: start with something positive, address the issue, and then end with another positive point. For example, “I love how much you care about our home. I feel hurt when you criticize my cleaning, though. I know we both want a nice living space, so maybe we could work on it together?” The sandwich method is magic.
5. Use humor
Sometimes, a little humor can go a long way. If your partner makes a critical comment, try responding with a joke (as long as it’s not at their expense). This can help lighten the mood and maybe your partner will realize that not everything needs to be taken so seriously.
6. Set a “criticism-free” time
Designate certain times or activities as criticism-free zones. This could be during meals, on date nights, or for the first hour after you both get home from work. Use that time to do fun couple stuff like a puzzle, binge-watching a show, or going out for ice cream. This helps create little positive moments in your relationship.
7. Create a “criticism jar”
Implement a light-hearted system where every time your partner makes an unnecessarily critical comment, they have to put a dollar (or any agreed-upon amount) in a jar. This serves two purposes: it brings awareness to how often they’re being critical, and it can lighten the mood. At the end of the month, use the money for a fun date night or donate it to charity. This approach turns a negative habit into a potentially positive outcome and can help your partner become more mindful of their words.
8. Practice the “re-do” technique
When your partner says something overly critical, give them a chance to rephrase it more constructively. You might say, “I don’t think that came out the way you meant it. Would you like to try again?” This technique acknowledges that your partner might not always realize how they sound and gives them an opportunity to communicate in a kinder way.
9. Explore your partner’s love language
Sometimes, criticism can just be a misguided attempt at showing care. It might be worth it to take a look at love languages—which according to Psychology Today, is how people give and relieve love—with your partner. For example, they might be expressing their love through “acts of service” by pointing out things they think need improvement, not realizing it comes across as criticism. Understanding each other’s preferred ways of giving and receiving love can help your partner express their concern and care in more constructive ways.
10. Reflect on your own behavior
Sometimes, our partners’ criticism might be a reaction to our own behavior. This isn’t about blaming yourself or taking ownership when you didn’t do something wrong. But it never hurts to take an honest look at ourselves. Are there areas where you could improve? Of course, this doesn’t justify constant criticism, but self-reflection is always valuable.
11. Seek positive reinforcement elsewhere
Your partner should be your number one cheerleader, first and foremost. But they also shouldn’t be your only source of confidence. As you address issues with your partner, make sure you’re getting positive reinforcement from friends and family who appreciate you, too.
12. Recognize and appreciate efforts to change
Is your partner making a big effort to be less critical? That’s great! It’s important to acknowledge and appreciate that. You can say something like, “I really appreciate how you’ve been communicating your concerns to me lately.” Positive reinforcement is your best bet if you want to encourage more of the behavior.
13. Seek couples therapy
While the tips on the list are great, it may be worthwhile to hire a professional. They can help talk you through what’s going on, support you both as you try to communicate effectively, and give insights into how you can work through these problems together.
14. Know when enough is enough
If your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem or make any changes, and the constant criticism is seriously impacting your mental health and self-esteem, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. We know that hurts to hear, but your well-being should always be a priority and you’re better than being with someone who disturbs it.
15. Celebrate your strengths
Your partner’s criticism doesn’t define you. Regularly remind yourself of your strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities, like how you’re an amazing problem solver, how you’re the youngest person in your company to have your role, or how kind and caring you are. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are.
