We all have a past, and sometimes the scars of past relationships can rear their ugly heads in your new one. You may think you’ve moved on, but unresolved issues or a lack of closure can prevent you from feeling safe, secure, and present in your new relationship. Here are 15 signs your past relationship trauma is still coming out to play.
1. You Have Trust Issues
Mutual trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. If you constantly doubt your partner’s intentions or question their every move this could be a sign that past betrayals are rearing their ugly heads. Trust issues can run deep, especially if trust was broken in your previous relationship. To help you heal, open up to your partner about your fears and find ways they can help you feel more secure.
2. You Avoid Getting Close
If you tend to create distance in your relationship, this could be a defense mechanism to protect you against getting hurt. Keeping a partner at arm’s length and avoiding intimacy can create confusion and leave your lover out in the cold. If you’ve been burned before you unconsciously build walls. Recognize when you feel safe in a healthy, committed relationship and open up to your partner as this will deepen your bond.
3. You Obsess Over Red Flags
It’s good to be aware of red flags before going into a relationship, but if you’re obsessively on the lookout for them this could be your past trauma talking. This hypervigilance can be exhausting and prevents you from living in the present and enjoying your partner and the relationship, flaws and all.
4. You Fear Abandonment
Many of us have a fear of abandonment from childhood or past relationships where a partner didn’t meet our needs. This deep-seated fear can lead to clinginess, or paradoxically, make you push people away to protect yourself from getting hurt again. If you spend your time worrying your partner will leave you this can cause stress and anxiety and means you don’t feel safe. Share your fears with your partner so you don’t unintentionally sabotage or flee the relationship before they do. Remember, it’s all in your head.
5. You Struggle Setting Boundaries
People who’ve experienced past relationship trauma can struggle with honoring their own needs and emotions. It’s important to set healthy boundaries without feeling guilty for asserting your needs or fearing it will lead to conflict or rejection. Your partner will admire your sense of self and respect you more.
6. You Expect the Worst
A negative mindset can take a toll on your mental health and your relationship. If you constantly ruminate over worse-case scenarios this is because past experiences have taught you good things don’t last. This can manifest as a self-fulfilling prophecy, where your fear of being hurt prevents you from fully investing in your relationship or worse; sabotaging it.
7. You’re Overly Accommodating
When you overgive in a relationship it can lead to resentment. A tendency to people-please and ensure your partner is happy, often at your own expense, is a sign of past trauma. People who’ve been hurt will do anything to avoid conflict, but disagreements are part of life and you should always prioritize your own happiness over someone else’s, even your partners.
8. You Relive Past Arguments
If you hold onto past resentments, replay old arguments in your head, or constantly bring them up to your partner, you haven’t fully processed your past trauma. This can make you stuck in a cycle of fear, resentment, and anger and cause tension in your current relationship. Learn to let go by opening up and voicing your feelings so you can get closure and move on.
9. You Can’t Express Your Needs
If you’ve been brainwashed or manipulated into believing you are always wrong or that your needs aren’t important you can carry this into a new relationship. This can make you resentful and unable to express your emotions without fear of conflict. When you have trouble communicating what you want in a relationship you can end up feeling frustrated, and unfulfilled and act aggressively.
10. You Compare Your Partner to Your Ex
If you’re always comparing your new partner to your ex, positively or negatively, you are still holding onto unresolved feelings from your past relationship. Relationships tend to end badly or they wouldn’t have ended at all; so accept you may never get the closure you need. Try to let go as holding on can prevent you from fully seeing and appreciating your partner for who they are.
11. You Have Mood Swings
Mood swings and emotional dysregulation can be a sign that you’re holding onto unresolved emotions from your past. If you feel anxious, irritable, or depressed for no reason, this could be tied to past relationship trauma. Seek therapy to ensure you have processed the pain of your last relationship so you can set yourself free and regain your joy and sense of self.
12. You Find It Hard To Forgive
If you tend to hold a grudge and can’t let go of the little things, this could be a sign you have unresolved anger from past relationships. It could be because you were heavily criticized, constantly blamed, or totally betrayed. Dig deep to identify why you are feeling and acting this way. Learn to forgive, or you will be stuck in a cycle of bitterness and resentment.
13. You Sabotage Happiness
Happiness can be an unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling if you were in a toxic and turbulent relationship previously. So when you feel joy it can be triggering and you may self-sabotage in relationships. If you constantly pick fights or push people away, your negative experiences in past relationships could be influencing your behavior. You may feel unworthy of love and happiness so do some self-esteem-boosting practices and remind yourself you deserve love.
14. You’re Overly Independent
Being independent is important in a happy, balanced relationship. If, however, you’re overly independent and unable to accept help or nurturing from your partner you could be guarding against potential hurt. This hyper-independence is a coping strategy and a way to avoid being vulnerable as you fear you will be hurt or let down. Let your partner in and allow them to look after you for a change.
15. You Struggle With Self-Worth
If your past relationship shattered your self-esteem and left you feeling unworthy or inadequate, this can be hard to shake off. A lack of confidence and not feeling good about yourself can manifest in all sorts of ways. Like settling for less than you deserve or staying in unhealthy relationships because you don’t believe you can do better. Work on regaining your sense of self, be selective, and remember it’s better to be single than in the wrong relationship.
