Let’s face it: most guys want to be supportive of the women in our lives. They mean well, but sometimes their attempts to be helpful can actually have the opposite effect. No blame is necessary, it’s just a chance to be more self-aware. By recognizing these behaviors, men can do better. So, let’s dive into 15 seemingly helpful things guys often do that can unintentionally undermine women.
1. Assuming women aren’t interested in certain topics
Please, for the love of all things holy, don’t assume women aren’t into things like sports, cars, or tech. Believe it or not, what you may think of as “manly” things actually aren’t gendered at all. That’s just something society told you to think. Besides, making assumptions like this can exclude women from conversations and opportunities.
2. Taking credit for domestic tasks
Have you ever said you’re “babysitting” your own kids? How about when you clean up the kitchen—do you expect praise? If your answer is yes, then you’re undermining the unrecognized work that women have been doing for years. It’s not babysitting if they’re your kids, and household tasks are a shared responsibility, thank you very much.
3. Mansplaining
We’ve all heard of this one, but, still, it’s worth repeating. According to Psychology Today, mansplaining is when a man explains something to a woman in a condescending way, often about a topic she’s actually an expert in. You may think it’s just about sharing knowledge, but the truth is that you’re really just assuming she doesn’t know. Before making assumptions, try asking if she’s familiar with the topic first.
4. Automatically taking the lead in group projects
Whether it’s at work or in a school setting, automatically taking over can undermine others. Women are amazing and they need opportunities to lead and showcase their skills. Try stepping back and seeing if others, including women, want to take the lead.
5. Offering unsolicited advice on appearance
Comments like “You’d look prettier if you smiled more” or giving fashion advice when it wasn’t asked for can be undermining. Do you think that a woman’s worth is tied to her appearance? Well, even if you don’t, advice on her appearance can make it seem like you do. Your opinion doesn’t matter more than hers, and it’s her appearance—she can do with it what she wants.
6. Taking over physical tasks without asking
Opening a jar or lifting a heavy object without being asked might seem chivalrous, you’re just helping! But in reality, it can imply that women are weak or incapable. Instead, ask first if she’d like help. She might appreciate it, or she might want to do it herself.
7. Over-praising basic competence
When men excessively praise women for completing ordinary tasks or demonstrating basic skills in the workplace, it can come across as condescending. For example, being overly impressed when a female colleague uses standard software or completes a routine task. While the intention might be to be supportive, it can imply that you had low expectations of her abilities to begin with. Instead, save your praise for truly impressive accomplishments, just as you would for male colleagues.
8. Dominating decision-making in relationships
Even if you think you’re being helpful by making decisions, it’s important to involve your partner equally. The truth is, not one person knows what’s best and it often takes the efforts of both people in a partnership to decide what’s best. Don’t undermine her agency and important contributions to the relationship.
9. Taking over tech tasks without being asked
Sure, you might be a whiz with computers but that doesn’t automatically mean she needs your help. Jumping in to fix her “tech problem” without being asked can imply she’s not capable. Instead, offer your help if she seems frustrated, but respect her ability to figure things out on her own, too.
10. Assuming women are responsible for social and emotional labor
Expecting women to remember birthdays, plan social events, or manage office morale so you can do the “dude things” undermines the value of their time and professional focus. There’s no such thing as “women’s work,” but there is something called “shared responsibilities.”
11. Speaking for women in meetings
According to the Washington Post, in a meta-analysis of 43 studies, men were more likely than women to talk over others. So you think restating a woman’s idea is just helping everyone hear it? It’s not. Speaking on behalf of female colleagues without being asked can rob them of credit and voice. Let women speak for themselves and give credit where it’s due. A good rule of thumb: if it’s not your idea, don’t be the one to share it.
12. Always offering to pay on dates
It can seem chivalrous, but always insisting on paying can imply that women can’t or shouldn’t pay their own way. It can create an unequal dynamic in the relationship and make the woman feel like she “owes” you something. Instead, have an open conversation about how you both want to handle finances in your dating life. Some women might appreciate the gesture, while others might prefer to split the bill or take turns paying.
13. Complimenting women on weight loss
This might seem supportive, but again, it can reinforce the idea that a woman’s worth is tied to her appearance or size. It can also be insensitive if the weight loss was unintentional or due to health issues. Instead, try complimenting women on things unrelated to their appearance, like their skills, accomplishments, or character traits.
14. Offering unsolicited fitness advice
Even if you have good intentions, going up to a woman in the gym and showing her how to work a machine “correctly” is inappropriate. It makes her feel like she needs to be monitored and can’t do things on her own, that’s incredibly undermining and hurtful. Unless someone specifically asks for your input on these topics, it’s best to keep it to yourself.
15. Always volunteering to drive
Automatically offering to drive whenever you’re going somewhere with a woman, whether it’s a date, a work trip, or a group outing, could come off as courteous. But on the other hand? It can also subtly reinforce outdated gender roles and imply that women are less capable or comfortable behind the wheel. It’s what psychologist Dr. Glick refers to as benevolent sexism or the view that women are fragile flowers in need of men’s protection.
