We’ve all been there—someone says something nice, but then you walk away feeling a bit…off. Welcome to the world of backhanded compliments! These sneaky remarks might sound positive on the surface, but they’re actually thinly veiled insults. Let’s look into some compliments that aren’t as flattering as they first appear.
1. “You’re so brave for wearing that!”
This gem implies that your outfit choice is somehow risky or unconventional. The speaker is essentially saying, “I wouldn’t be caught dead in that, but good for you for not caring what others think!” Say it with us: Rude!
2. “I love how you don’t care what anyone thinks!”
Sure this might sound positive, but it also implies that your behavior is not normal. They’re basically saying, “What you’re doing is weird, but I admire your willingness to be weird publicly.”
3. “You’re pretty for a [insert race/ethnicity].”
Under no circumstances should you ever say this. It’s not just a backhanded compliment—it’s outright racist. The speaker is saying they find your race or ethnicity generally unattractive, but you’re an exception. It’s never okay to compliment someone by putting down their entire racial or ethnic group.
4. “You’re smarter than you look!”
Ugh, a double whammy. First, they’re saying you don’t look particularly intelligent. Second, it suggests that the speaker had low expectations of your intellect. Neither of these are flattering.
5. “You’re really good at your job…for someone your age.”
Age-based backhanded compliments like this one suggest that younger (or older) people are generally not competent. No one wants to be judged on their capabilities based on their age—besides, comments like these are incredibly ageist.
6. “Wow, your kids are so well-behaved! You must be really strict.”
While praising well-behaved children seems positive, saying that it’s only because of strict parenting is a subtle dig. They’re implying that they think you’re harsh or controlling and that that is the only way to get kids to act appropriately.
7. “You’re so good with technology…for a girl.”
Oof, sexism at its finest. This type of gendered backhanded compliment not only reinforces harmful stereotypes, but it implies that women are generally not good with technology. That’s a problem because according to the AAUW, women and girls are consistently guided away from STEM careers.
8. “I love how you just say whatever’s on your mind.”
Sure, they could be praising you for your honesty. Or, they could be saying that you lack a filter or social grace. They might as well just say, “You say inappropriate things, but I find it entertaining.”
9. “You’re so brave for going out without makeup.”
Last time we checked, going bare-faced doesn’t require courage. And what does this person want to get across? That you look worse without makeup. That’s gross and also reinforces harmful beauty standards.
10. “You’re so calm about [insert situation]. I’d be freaking out.”
It might seem like a compliment that implies you’re extremely composed. But it may have the opposite effect: suggesting that you don’t care enough about the situation and that a “normal” reaction would be to be more worried or upset.
11. “I wish I could be as carefree as you about my house.”
They’re saying you have a laid-back attitude. Nice, right? Nope, this is actually a subtle way of criticizing you for not meeting their standards or that you don’t care enough about the important (or what they deem as important) things.
12. “You’ve lost weight! You look so much better now!”
While the speaker might think they’re complimenting your appearance, what they’re really saying is that you looked bad before. It implies that thinner is better—this can be particularly harmful if you have an eating disorder or suffer from other weight-related mental health issues.
13. “You’re so much nicer/smarter/prettier than I expected!”
Okay, so it sounds like the speaker had low expectations of you to begin with. How lovely! It’s never flattering to hear that someone assumed the worst about you before they even got to know you.
14. “You’re so articulate!”
That sounds like a straightforward compliment! Think again—this is often used as a backhanded compliment towards minorities, implying surprise that they can speak well. According to Business Insider, it’s not only racist but pushes forward harmful stereotypes.
15. “I love how you don’t try to hide your accent!”
This type of comment is often directed at people speaking a non-native language or those with regional accents different from the speaker’s. It fails to recognize that accents are a natural part of language and identity, not something to be hidden or celebrated as a quirky feature. This makes the recipient feel self-conscious about their speech and that’s just not cool.
