Remember a time when you said something to a stranger and instantly regretted it because of how offended they got? Or, maybe you’ve been at the receiving end of a thoughtless question or poorly chosen words that left you embarrassed, enraged, or wondering who raised the person you were talking to. Even if your heart is in the right place, you can still end up hurting people or making them uncomfortable with your utterances. To keep from making this mistake, here are some things you should avoid saying to a stranger, except if you intend to insult, annoy, or humiliate them.
1. “You’re so short/fat/tall/skinny…”
No matter how remarkable or unusual someone’s looks might seem to you, it’s in poor taste to point it out. They already know that they have a big nose, are muscular, or are not conventionally attractive. You don’t have to point out the obvious or try to make them feel extra-conscious about it. Just stay away from making comments about a stranger’s (or anyone’s) body.
2. “How far along are you?”
You should never ask a stranger when they’re due or how far along they are when you see that they have a protruding belly. If they’re not pregnant, all you’ve succeeded in doing is shaming them for their appearance and causing everyone to feel embarrassed. Even if they’re pregnant, it could still be a faux pas because they might not be ready to announce yet, and you’d have forced their hand.
3. “You don’t look like what I imagined.”
This is something that I get told a lot when I meet someone new and although it’s always framed as a compliment, I just never know what to do with it. It just creates this weird, awkward moment. You shouldn’t be starting conversations with people by announcing that you’re confused, shocked, or disappointed that they do not match the expectations of them you created in your head.
4. “Why aren’t you drinking?”
There are a thousand and one reasons why a person may not want alcohol. They could be pregnant, on a sobriety journey, not in the mood, or taking medications for an illness they don’t want to disclose. The why is not really any of your business, and it shouldn’t bother you that someone isn’t drinking. Keep your questions about it to yourself.
5. “Smile. Or you’d be prettier if you smiled.”
It’s mostly men who are guilty of this, and the comment is almost exclusively directed at women and femme-presenting folks. If you ever feel tempted to implore a stranger to smile more, remember that it’s not your business what they do with their face. They’re not obligated to look happy for you or make you feel more comfortable or pleased. So swallow those words and leave them be.
6. “You’re so nice/cute/great…why are you still single?
Relationship status can be a sore subject for lots of people, so asking a stranger why they’re yet to settle down can feel invasive and judgmental. Maybe the love of their life passed away, or they haven’t had much luck in the dating department. Or maybe marriage just isn’t a life goal for them. Depending on their situation, your question might put them under pressure or bring up painful emotions they’re not prepared to talk about.
7. “Must be that time of the month.”
That a woman is displaying strong emotions or clearly in a bad mood doesn’t mean that her issues are hormonal. It’s silly and insulting to assume or imply that a woman must be menstruating because she’s acting in a way that’s unusual or that makes you uncomfortable. Men deal with hormonal changes too, but you wouldn’t make ignorant jokes about their actions or dismiss their feelings based on that.
8. “How much do you make?”
Money is a sensitive topic, so questions or comments about income are one of those things you should never say to a stranger. This also extends to asking them how much something they own, like their house or a piece of furniture costs. Wait for them to volunteer that information or until you grow closer for you to broach the topic. Or just go online and research the pay scale for their role.
9. “Why don’t you have kids?”
First of all, it’s not your business. There are lots of reasons why people may not have kids, many of which they may not be comfortable sharing with a stranger. They may be having fertility issues and asking them about their kid situation might open up those wounds. Or maybe they just don’t want to have kids. In this case, your question may come across as judgment.
10. “That sounds easy. Anyone could that.”
When someone tells you what they do for a living, your response shouldn’t be to undermine their job or suggest that they’re not contributing all that much to society. Not every job is as complicated as doing brain surgery or building rocket ships, but they all matter. Even those careers you deem challenging can be done by anyone who studies and works hard enough to learn the ropes.
11. Is that your real *insert body part*?”
It’s rude to ask someone whom you don’t have a close relationship with whether their hair, teeth, eye color, breasts, ass, lips, or any other body part is real. Doesn’t matter whether you’re trying to pay them a compliment or just genuinely curious. If these are not natural, it’s going to feel like you’re trying to insult or out them for it. Even if they’re real, you’re still essentially demanding that they defend their looks to you.
12. “You look ill/tired.”
Even if you’re truly concerned about how a person is feeling, it’s still poor form to broach the topic by telling them they look terrible. They probably have a good sense of how they look that day, and they don’t need a reminder. If the reason they don’t look their best is because they’re sick, rubbing their face in it is just going to make them feel worse. And if they’re looking exhausted because they’re having a rough day or had a long night, you’re still going to come off as an asshole.
13. “Should you really be eating that?”
Unless you’re their dietician, nutritionist, or fitness coach, you really shouldn’t be trying to control what people eat or commenting on their food choices. It’s simply not your business, whether you approve of their dietary habits or not. Focus on your own nutrition and leave others to manage theirs and eat whatever they want in peace.
14. “I’m already taken.”
You may be incredibly good-looking and constantly getting hit, but that doesn’t mean that every stranger who tries to strike up a conversation with you is hitting on you. It’s rude, presumptuous, and a bit conceited to assume that they are and tell them that you have a partner when they’ve not done anything to suggest they may be interested in you in that way. Maybe they’re just being friendly. Keep your cool and engage them courteously.
15. “How old are you?”
If you’re not a bartender, medical personnel, or an insurance underwriter, you should not be going about asking people you just met about their age. Some people may not mind, but it’s a sensitive subject for many. Since you can’t tell what side of the divide a stranger falls under, it’s best to keep your curiosity about their age to yourself until your familiarity grows.
16. You’re very well-spoken/funny/smart…for *insert demographic*.”
Backhanded compliments are never polite or welcome, whether you’re interacting with strangers or close friends. You can’t expect someone to be flattered because you’re saying something nice about them when you’re also denigrating a group they belong to or another feature about them in the same breath. If you can’t pay someone a compliment without accompanying it with an insult, just say nothing.
17. “How many people have you slept with? Or what sex positions do you like?
Whether you’re on a first date, at a party, or chatting someone up on social media or a dating site, it’s flat-out rude and creepy to ask a person you barely know about their sex life. Sexual history and preferences are rarely topics that people want to be grilled about outside specific contexts, so just stay clear of that territory to avoid offending anyone.
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