Ever feel like you hopped into a time machine, where you’re a fully-grown adult but your parents still treat you like you’re 12? Welcome to the club! Toxic parents love to control their adult children from afar, but it’s time to decode their language and cut the strings. Let’s look at some things toxic parents say to keep their grown kids under their thumb.
1. “After all I’ve done for you…”
Ah, the classic guilt trip opener. They might as well present you with an itemized invoice for everything from your childhood. This phrase is designed to make you feel indebted, as if loving and caring for your child is a transaction rather than a parental responsibility. Next time you hear this, remember: you didn’t ask to be born, and basic care isn’t a favor they did for you.
2. “You’re so selfish!”
This usually pops up when you’re setting boundaries or prioritizing your own needs. It’s really just a manipulation tactic aimed at making you question your decisions. In reality, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. If your parents try to guilt you for putting yourself first, that is red flag behavior.
3. “You’ll understand when you’re a parent.”
What a way to invalidate your feelings or experiences! They’re basically saying that your perspective doesn’t count based on the sole fact that you don’t have children yet. Last time we checked, empathy and understanding don’t require shared experiences. You can understand skydiving is scary without jumping out of a plane, right?
4. “I’m just worried about you.”
Sounds caring on the surface, doesn’t it? But in toxic parent-speak, this often translates to “I don’t approve of your choices.” It’s a sneaky way of criticizing your decisions under the guise of concern. Hate to see it.
5. “You’ve changed.”
Well, duh! That’s called growing up. This is often used when you start asserting your independence or making choices they don’t agree with. It’s meant to make you feel guilty for evolving beyond their control. Remember, changing and growing is not only normal, it’s crucial for self-development.
6. “You’re just like your father/mother.”
This comparison is usually thrown out as an insult, especially if your parents are divorced or have a strained relationship. It’s an unfair phrase that puts you in the middle and puts you down, creating a sense of shame. Pro tip: If the parent they’re comparing you to is actually awesome, take it as a compliment!
7. “No one will ever love you like I do.”
Yikes! This is manipulation with a side of possessiveness. Your parent clearly wants you to feel dependent on their love and be afraid of losing it. In reality, love shouldn’t come with conditions or threats. Someone who truly loves you will want you to be independent and find someone who loves you just as much if not more than they do.
8. “I’m not getting any younger, you know.”
Hello, guilt trip! Guilt-tripping is a common theme among toxic parents, according to Psych Central. They’re trying to pressure you into doing what they want, whether it’s visiting more often, having kids, or making other life choices. But using their age as emotional blackmail is not only unfair, it’s manipulative as all heck.
9. “Why can’t you be more like [insert name]?”
Ah, nothing like a little comparison to chip away at your self-esteem. Remember, you’re not in a competition, and your worth isn’t determined by how you measure up to others. Don’t let them make you feel inadequate or like you have to strive for their approval by being anyone but you.
10. “Don’t air our dirty laundry in public.”
Wow, so they want to keep you quiet about their toxic behavior, huh? It’s an attempt to isolate you and stop you from seeking support or perspective from others. Talking about your experiences, especially to a trusted friend or therapist, isn’t betrayal; it’s self-care.
11. “You owe me.”
Here we go—another classic from the guilt trip playbook. This phrase, like the first item on this list, turns your relationship into a transaction, as if their parenting came with strings attached. Good parenting is given freely, not with the expectation of future payback.
12. “You’re breaking my heart.”
What they’re trying to do here is make you feel guilty for your choices or for setting boundaries, according to the Huffington Post. It puts the responsibility for their emotions squarely on your shoulders but guess what: you’re not responsible for managing their feelings.
13. “I’m just telling you this for your own good.”
We wouldn’t be surprised if this phrase was followed by unsolicited advice or criticism, like “You should really lose some weight.” Gross, they’re trying to justify their hurtful comments and force-feed advice—don’t fall for it.
14. “I’m just trying to protect you.”
Well, they’ve got one thing right: protection is a parent’s job. But not in the way they’re delivering it—this phrase is used to justify controlling behavior. It not only undermines your ability to face challenges and make decisions as an adult, but it manipulates you into thinking you need them in your life.
15. “You’ll regret this when I’m gone.”
Oh god, give us a break. This is the ultimate guilt bomb because it plays on your fear of loss and regret in order to manipulate you into submission. But healthy parents actually want you to live your life, not put it on hold.
