Becoming an adult doesn’t always make things easy with your parents. Sometimes, toxic parents just don’t want to see their adult children as grown-ups. These are a few phrases your parental figures might say to control you if they refuse to respect you as a peer.
1. “I’m still in charge of you because you’ll always be my child.”
Given that 71% of parents with adult children between 18 and 34 years of age think their child’s life reflects on their parenting success, your mom or dad may feel a personal stake in your choices. They could say this phrase to make you live according to what makes them comfortable. It’s a way to claim permanent power over your life so your parent doesn’t have to reflect on why your choices make them uncomfortable.
2. “You’ll understand when you get a real job.”
Your job is how you pay the bills and earn money to live the best life possible. There’s a lot at stake when you choose a career, which might make your parents anxious. If they don’t understand your job or wouldn’t choose it for themselves, they might use this phrase to continually make you feel belittled for your career. They’ll only feel better if you do something they approve of, whether or not that new job makes you happy.
3. “I don’t like that you did that.”
Toxic parents criticize their adult child’s choices to retain a sense of control. You might hear this phrase if your parents don’t approve of the house you bought or a friend you made. The hyper-critical feedback may eventually break you down into doing what they want to improve your relationship.
4. “Have you considered how your choices make me look as your parent?”
Even the least toxic parents feel like other people judge them based on how well they raise their children. It’s natural to feel this kind of pressure, but emotionally mature parents process it by themselves. Toxic parents make their children the answer to their anxiety. This phrase tries to force adult children into making choices that make their parents most comfortable, no matter if other people give negative feedback or not.
5. “I wish you would date someone better.”
Your parents want you to be happy. They’ll instinctively use their happiest relationships as the model for what you should do. If their relationship dynamics aren’t a good fit for you, your parents may say this phrase because they don’t understand how something so different can make you equally happy. The constant criticism causes long-term resentment that ultimately makes many adult children cut their parents off.
It’s also worth noting that toxic parents might also say this phrase if your partner is pointing out their toxicity. They’ll want your partner out of the picture so you don’t question how your parents treat you.
6. “Here’s how I would handle your situation.”
Egotistical parents think they know how to handle life’s challenges the best. They either instinctively believe they’re the smartest person in the room or think they’ve been through enough tough times to guide their kids through anything.
Either way, they might use this phrase to give advice when you didn’t ask for it. It feels uncomfortable because it takes your autonomy away. You don’t need them to choose things for yourself. If your parents can’t just listen and emotionally support you, they might use this phrase to control you.
7. “I won’t support you until you change your mind.”
When one person relies on another, it changes the power dynamic in that relationship. Parents feel this power shift when they have children. Little kids rely on their parents for everything, which gives them the ultimate power over their child’s life. Your parents may still feel this way in your relationship if they use this phrase to manipulate you into doing what they want. It’s especially prominent when adult children need to rely on their toxic parents for financial support.
8. “When was the last time you thought about me?”
Adults don’t think about how each of their choices will affect their parents. Healthy family dynamics guarantee their parent’s love regardless of what their adult child does. Toxic parents use this selfish perspective to force their adult child to make a specific change.
Your parent might use this tactic to make you spend every free Saturday afternoon with them instead of occasionally using that time to also see your friends. It could mean your parent feels threatened by your friends or romantic partners because your parents need you for constant emotional support.
This kind of guilt-tripping is an effective way to drain someone’s emotional energy and make them give in to your demands. If you’ve ever made a choice just to make your parent’s demands stop, they might use this same tactic to manipulate you.
9. “Remember when you last hurt us?”
Toxic parents keep their children’s mistakes at the forefront of their minds forever. If you were 17 and lied to them about visiting a friend when you went to a concert, they may bring up that lie when you accuse your parents of actively hurting you in adulthood. It forces you to feel bad about making your past mistake or wrong choice, ultimately using your emotions to shift focus away from what your parents need to take responsibility for.
10. “I’m not apologizing for something I didn’t do.”
Parents also avoid taking responsibility for their actions with this gaslighting phrase. If they never acknowledge the reality of how they harmed you, you can’t complain about it. It also means they don’t have to fix their behaviors. Instead, your parents may focus on how you should apologize for expressing your pain. It makes you the problem so they don’t have to feel guilty or uncomfortable.
11. “You can never tell your grandparents about this.”
You might have heard this phrase if you’ve ever shown your parents your new tattoo or piercing. Even worse, parents sometimes say this when their adult child comes out to them as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community.
This phrase immediately makes you responsible for your grandparents’ emotional regulation and how their reaction will affect your parents. Your parents become the victims, while your grandparents become the potential bad guys. In reality, they are all adults who can and should manage their emotions by themselves.
12. “I don’t have to thank you because I brought you into this world.”
Sometimes, toxic parental figures refuse to thank their adult children for anything. Imagine doing the dishes after eating dinner at their house as a devoted act of service. Your effort is supposed to show how much you love them, but your parents only see it as another thing you owe them. It makes adult children feel unseen and less valued.
13. “You were never like this as a kid.”
This phrase often comes from people who mostly enjoyed being parents when their kids were really little. Young children don’t have their own thoughts or opinions yet. Forming those things as a teenager and adult is normal. Instead of accepting your personal growth, your parents may say this phrase to make you feel guilty for the parts of you that make them uncomfortable.
14. “I’ve sacrificed too much for you to do this.”
Keeping your kids clothed, fed and sheltered is hard work. It comes from a place of love, but toxic parents see it as an effort that puts you in their debt forever. In reality, you were a child. You couldn’t have kept yourself clothed, fed and sheltered yourself if you tried. People don’t owe their parents for taking care of them. That’s every parental figure’s responsibility when they choose to raise a family.
15. “I’m only saying this because I’m concerned for you.”
You’ve likely heard this phrase right after your parent said something cruel if they share a toxic dynamic with you. It makes them feel justified for saying hurtful, harmful or manipulative things. Their concern does not give them the right to say whatever they want, especially if what they’re saying breaks a boundary you set up to protect yourself in that relationship.
Guilt-tripping typically makes the victim accept something that isn’t their fault, but this is a form of emotional guilt-tripping. It might make you accept your parent’s hurtful comment and bury the pain it made you feel. Ultimately, your relationship only continues to deteriorate because you always have to ignore the continuing verbal abuse your parent perpetuates.
