If you’re dating a narcissist, you might be filled with lots of self-doubt on a daily basis. Before you diagnose yourself with low self-esteem, consider that the narcissist is making you second-guess yourself or feel like you’re losing your mind. They do this to feel superior and control you. Here are 15 strategies narcissists use to make you think there’s something wrong with you.
1. They make you question your memory.
Narcissists don’t take what you say as factual or valid. Instead, they undermine you by questioning everything you remember about events, so you start wondering if you’re mistaken. This is especially common during confrontation. If the narcissist feels attacked, they’ll turn the tables on you by telling you that you’re imagining things, such as their bad behavior. They might say, “You’re not remembering things correctly” or “That didn’t happen” to invalidate you.
2. They project their issues onto you.
A common way narcissists try to make you doubt yourself is by projecting their insecurities or flaws, per Psych Central. So, if they’re telling you lies or they have low self-worth, they’ll make you think that you struggle with those issues instead so that you feel like you’re the one who needs to improve. They always want to be superior in the relationship and make you doubt yourself so you feel inadequate.
3. They use other people to back them up.
If you confront a narcissist, they’ll try to find ways to make you seem unreasonable or ridiculous so that they don’t have to take responsibility for what they’ve done. For example, if you tell them that they’re being selfish, they’ll say, “You’re crazy — and your best friend agrees with me!” They do this to make you feel like you’re being invalidated by them and other people who care about you. This serves to make you doubt your worth and behavior.
4. They stop love-bombing you.
Narcissists will love-bomb you by giving you lots of compliments, gifts, and attention to make you trust and love them. Then, suddenly, they’ll stop doing all those nice things for you without any explanation. This serves to confuse you. You might wonder if their feelings have changed or you’ve done something to upset them. This, in turn, could make you want to regain their love, going the extra mile to impress them — which is exactly what they want because it feeds their need for validation.
5. They give you backhanded compliments.
To keep you guessing about their intentions and feelings, narcissists will give you backhanded compliments. They might say, “You’re so much prettier when you have a tan” to make you feel like you’re usually not attractive. Or, they’ll say, “You’re more intelligent than you look.” Ouch. These comments serve to make you feel unworthy. Over time, you’ll start questioning if you have flaws you need to fix.
6. They make your accomplishments seem like no big deal.
When you achieve a goal, your narcissistic partner will lack enthusiasm. They might say nothing or give you a blank look when you tell them the good news. It’s confusing, but they do this to make you second-guess if your success is actually valid or worth raving about. By belittling your achievements, narcissists make you doubt yourself and feel like you’re nothing special.
7. They ignore your feelings.
If narcissists don’t agree with what you have to say, they’ll behave as though your thoughts and feelings don’t matter. Over time, this can make you feel nervous or anxious about expressing yourself. You might hide your authentic self, feeling like you’re not worthy enough for the narcissist to validate you. By ignoring what you have to say, a narcissist will manipulate you to make you feel inferior because it gives them an ego boost.
8. They give you fake apologies.
When a narcissist is pressured to apologize for something they’ve done to hurt you, they won’t give you a sincere one because they never think they’ve done anything wrong. So, instead, they’ll give you a fake apology that makes you feel like you should be apologizing. For example, they might say, “Sorry, but if you had reminded me about our anniversary, I wouldn’t have forgotten.” Or, “Sorry, but if you weren’t trying my patience, I wouldn’t have lashed out at you.” This turns the tables around, pinning themselves as the victim and you as the guilty party.
9. They put down what you love.
If you express to a narcissist that you love reading psychological thrillers or hiking on the weekends, they might belittle your interests. They do this to make you feel silly or ridiculous for pursuing the hobbies and passions that make you happy. You might feel pressured to change to gain their approval, such as by taking on their interests instead. By making you doubt your choices, they can influence you to push aside your life and make them your number-one priority.
10. They compare you to their exes.
If someone compares you to their ex, it’s always a red flag that they’re trying to make you feel inferior and jealous, CNBC notes. Your narcissist might tell you something like, “Why can’t you be more like my ex, who supported my career?” or “My ex was also a brunette, but it suited her better.” These kinds of comments are done on purpose to make you feel like you’re a downgrade from their ex so you feel bad about yourself.
11. They create confusion.
It’s common for a narcissist to give you contradictory statements so that you’re not sure of the truth or your own judgment. For example, they might tell you that they used to be a pro athlete, only to take it back weeks later, saying, “I never said that!” When you call them out for twisting tales, they usually have dramatic reactions to further make you feel like you’re mistaken.
12. They micromanage you.
Narcissists are control freaks, so they’ll try to take over every task you do, no matter how simple. They do this to make you feel incompetent and doubt your own abilities. For example, they might undermine your confidence by saying, “Here, let me change your car tire/let me load the dishwasher correctly” even though you know how to do it. They behave as though they know better than you so you feel like you’re useless.
13. They set impossibly high standards.
The narcissist you’re dating might expect you to meet their lofty standards and expectations to watch you fall. For example, if you start a fitness regime with them but miss one workout, they might say, “You’re so lazy, you’ll never stay in shape.” Or, they might expect you to dress in a certain way, putting you down if you express your individuality through your fashion choices. They do this to make you feel like no matter what you do, you’re never enough for them.
14. They pretend to be helpless in situations.
To manipulate you into doing things for them, some narcissists feign helplessness and play the victim. They might ask you for help confronting a friend who’s taking advantage of them, or ask you to bring them chicken soup when they’re sick. By acting as though they can’t do things on their own, they force you to do the work. But then, they’ll criticize how you handled the situation or what you did for them, which can make you doubt the care you provided.
15. They accuse you of things you haven’t done.
A narcissist might try to make you unnecessarily feel guilty, which is distressing and confusing, making you doubt your actions and intentions. They might also twist your actions so you have to try to justify your behavior. For example, they might see you chatting to someone at a party and ask you if you were gossiping about them. Or, they might accuse you of cheating on them when you spend half an hour longer at the hairdresser. They do this to keep you on your toes and make you feel like a bad person, even though you know you’re not.
