Narcissists love to control everything and everyone, but their tactics aren’t always obvious (which is part of what makes them so dangerous). A lot of their manipulation is done verbally, and they use language to twist your reality in some pretty messed up ways. Here are some of the phrases you might hear coming out of their mouths. If you do, don’t fall for it — they just want to keep you under their thumb!
1. “You’re too sensitive/too emotional.”
This is a classic way to dismiss your legitimate feelings — so much so that it’s nearly cliche at this point, but that doesn’t stop narcissists from using it. When you express being hurt or bothered by something they did, this shuts down the conversation by making it about your character flaw rather than addressing their behavior. It’s a way to invalidate your reactions and make you question your own perceptions, allowing them to avoid accountability, Psych Central explains.
2. “I was just joking!” or “You need to learn to take a joke.”
Oh great, cruelty disguised as humor. They make cutting remarks, then play it off as you lacking a sense of humor if you get upset. It allows them to test your boundaries, subtly insult you, and then lay the blame fully at your feet for being unable to handle their “harmless” teasing. It’s also a way to slowly gnaw away at your self-esteem under the guise of innocent playfulness.
3. “That never happened.” or “You’re imagining things.”
This is textbook gaslighting. They blatantly deny something you know is true, even when there’s proof! The goal is to make you doubt your memory, your perceptions, even your sanity. It destabilizes your sense of reality, keeping you off-balance, unsure of what’s real, and more likely to accept their version of events even when it defies logic.
4. “You’re the crazy one.”
By painting you as unstable or irrational, they discredit anything you say. Arguments become circular, focused on your flawed character instead of the real issue at hand. They may provoke you intentionally and then point to your understandable frustration as “proof” of how unhinged you are. This tactic makes it hard to have any productive conflict resolution or hold them accountable for their behavior.
5. “I never said that,” even when you have written proof.
Another gaslighting gem. Narcissists want control over the narrative. When you confront them with their own words (texts, emails), they deny it or twist the meaning to suit their agenda. This erodes your trust in your own memory and judgment over time. If you can’t believe what you clearly saw in writing, what CAN you believe?
6. “If you really loved me, you would…”
Narcissists have no problem turning love into a weapon. They use guilt to manipulate you into agreeing to things you’re uncomfortable with. Disagreeing or not meeting their demands gets reframed as a sign that you don’t care about their needs. This exploits your own empathy and desire to be a loving partner/friend/family member to get you to put their desires above your own well-being.
7. “You owe me.” or “After all I’ve done for you…”
They’ll keep a mental tally of the tiniest favors, throwing them in your face when they need something. As Psychology Today points out, narcissists want you to feel indebted to them at all times. Genuine kindness doesn’t keep score! This creates a constant sense of indebtedness, making you feel obligated to comply with their requests, whether reasonable or not, to avoid being seen as ungrateful.
8. “Why are you always trying to start a fight?”
Healthy relationships have disagreements; that’s normal. But narcissists hate being challenged. Expressing a differing opinion, calling attention to problematic behavior, or asking them to be accountable is reframed as you being combative and difficult. This discourages you from ever speaking up out of fear or exhaustion, giving them free rein to act however they please.
9. Bringing up your past mistakes to deflect from the current issue
They can’t address the problem presently because they’re not interested in actually fixing anything. Instead, they dredge up unrelated things you did wrong in the past to shift blame. It’s a distraction tactic, getting you to defend yourself from old battles instead of holding them accountable for their current behavior. Suddenly, the discussion becomes about your flaws, not theirs.
10. “Everyone else thinks I’m…” or “No one else has a problem with…”
This is clearly an attempt to isolate you and invalidate your concerns. They want you to believe you’re the odd one out, unreasonable for expecting better treatment when “everyone else” puts up with their behavior. This tactic is designed to make you question your judgment and create social pressure for you to fall in line to avoid being ostracized.
11. The silent treatment
Stonewalling, refusing to engage with you, leaving mid-conversation – it’s a punishing power play. It communicates that your thoughts, feelings, and desire for a resolution are unimportant compared to their need for control. They hold the conversation hostage, returning only when you’re worn down enough to drop the issue. This trains you that voicing any concerns leads to them withdrawing until you learn to keep quiet.
12. Exaggerated declarations of love and adoration (especially early on)
Think of it as love-bombing. They shower you with affection, praise, and promises of a perfect future to disarm you. This creates a sense of a whirlwind romance or an intense connection forming way faster than is normal. The goal is to get you hooked, emotionally invested, and to overlook red flags you might normally spot right away.
13. “You’ll never find anyone else…” or “No one will ever love you like I do.”
Once the love-bombing wanes, it’s replaced by eroding your self-worth. They want you to believe you’re unlovable outside the relationship with them. This fearmongering is about trapping you, making you feel dependent on them despite the harmful dynamic. Leaving feels scarier when you doubt anyone else would want you or treat you better.
14. Playing the victim
This is how narcissists flip the script — by playing the victim. No matter what they’ve done, somehow, it’s all your fault. They might even conjure up elaborate stories of how everyone else in their life mistreats them, painting themselves as the eternally misunderstood victim. This is designed to evoke your pity, distract you from their patterns of behavior, and make you want to “rescue” them, excusing their actions instead of demanding basic decency.
15. False apologies meant to shut you up, not make amends
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is the opposite of a genuine apology. They’re not acknowledging their wrongdoing; they’re putting the blame for the conflict on your feelings. Or, you get a vague “I’m sorry,” but their actions never change. Apologies without changed behavior aren’t sincere, just a tool to end the disagreement and avoid uncomfortable self-reflection on their part.
16. “You make me do this!”
They refuse to take responsibility for their choices and emotions. Their anger, outbursts, cruel actions…it’s seemingly YOUR fault for triggering them. This removes any sense of personal accountability and justifies their mistreatment. It frames you as the one in control, the cause of their bad behavior, when in reality, they always have a choice in how they respond.
17. Word salad
When confronted, they might spew a confusing jumble of circular arguments, tangents, irrelevant topics…anything to derail the conversation. Often, it’s loud, designed to overwhelm and exhaust you. The goal isn’t to communicate; it’s to avoid addressing their behavior. If they can fluster and intimidate you into giving up on the discussion, they win.
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