Some people are passive, and some are assertive and there are pros and cons for both. When you’re assertive, you often get in others’ faces, voicing your opinions even when nobody wants to hear them. When passive, you are a wallflower, preferring to let everyone else speak and lead. If you’re too passive, though, you could end up being taken advantage of. Here are several dangers of being too agreeable and how you can assert yourself.
1. You could take on others’ opinions.
If you are too agreeable, there is a real danger that you’ll assimilate yourself to be like everyone else and adopt their opinions, even if they’re controversial or toxic. For example, your friends might think it’s okay not to designate a sober driver and drive themselves home drunk. Because you’re agreeable, you do this instead of standing up for what’s right. Being brave and voicing how you feel in situations like this is essential because it could save lives.
2. You could lose yourself.
If you’re entirely agreeable and don’t give yourself a chance with others, then you’re in real danger of losing yourself. This means you eventually take on others’ personalities instead of your own. For example, your friends love to party, but you’re more of a homebody. However, because you’re so agreeable, you lose yourself to their personalities, forcing yourself out when you would rather be at home. Putting your foot down when you want to stay home instead is essential to maintain a sense of self.
3. Your boundaries could be overstepped.
If you’re agreeable to an unhealthy point, then you’re in real danger of having your boundaries abused. For example, you might not like your mom turning up unannounced at your house multiple times a week, but you are too agreeable to say anything. Now, she’s eating out of your fridge, rearranging the furniture, and telling you how you should run the house in general. Communicating your boundaries with her about when she can come over will result in a healthier relationship.
4. You could give up your right to make decisions.
If you are one of those people who is agreeable, then there’s a good chance that you leave all the decision-making to your partner. For example, your partner might be in charge of the finances—when the bills get paid and how much you can spend. This could lead to them being too controlling in the relationship. Sit down with them and communicate that you want more of a balance when managing the finances in the relationship.
5. You could give up your hobbies.
When someone is too agreeable, whether with friends or in a relationship, this could result in giving up personal passions and hobbies. Perhaps your partner loves playing tennis on the weekends, but you prefer staying inside and playing board games. However, because you’re agreeable, every weekend you play tennis and you can’t remember the last time you played board games. Have a conversation that puts you at the top of the priority list a bit more and requires your partner to indulge your passion for board games as much as you indulge their passion for tennis.
6. You no longer know how to say “no”.
You realize that because you’re so agreeable, it’s been a while since you’ve found the courage to say “no” to someone. When you’re in a social situation, and someone shows interest in you and asks for your number, you give it to them even though you don’t like them back. Assert yourself by saying something like, “You seem sweet, but I’m just not ready to get into a relationship right now.”
7. You could end up avoiding all conflict.
While most people avoid confrontations, conflict is an inevitable part of life. In a relationship, it’s less about how often you have conflicts and more about how you deal with them. If you are too agreeable, you probably avoid conflict like the plague. Assert yourself by approaching your partner next time there’s a problem, saying, “I know we don’t see eye-to-eye on this, and it’s a tender topic for you, but I think it’s important we talk about it and find a solution together.”
8. You end up saying sorry every time.
If you’re too agreeable, then you most likely find yourself apologizing for everything, even when it’s not your fault. Your partner talked to you in a condescending tone again, and instead of asserting yourself and asking them not to, you apologized for whatever you did that caused them to react that way. Stand up for yourself by saying, “Even if I’ve done something to cause you to talk to me like that, I don’t deserve it, and I need you to work on how you speak to me.”
9. You could end up resenting someone.
Whether it’s a friend or your partner, if you’re too agreeable, you’re in danger of oppressing how you feel to the point that you start to hold things against them. Perhaps your best friend has let you down by talking about you behind your back, canceling on you at the last minute, or not being there for you when you lost your job. Because you haven’t dared to confront them about this, you’re starting to build resentment towards them, which could lead you to cut off the friendship. Choose a time and place to gently approach them about these things so that you can get them off your chest and stop holding it against them.
10. You could isolate yourself from those you care about.
If you’re the agreeable one in a relationship, this could result in losing the ability to be around your loved ones. Perhaps your partner insists that whenever you have a chance to do a family-related thing, it’s with their family. As a result, you last saw your parents or siblings a few months ago, while you see their parents at least once a week. Assert yourself by insisting that you balance this by spending as much time with your family as theirs.
11. You could end up giving up on your dreams.
If you’re too agreeable, you’re in real danger of giving up on the things you care about in life. Perhaps you’ve dreamed of attending college and becoming a vet because you love animals. However, when you met your partner, it was decided that you would work so they could finish their college degree. Assert yourself by communicating that at some point in the near future, you’d like to go back to college, too, and you need their support.
12. You could end up being too self-critical.
When someone is too agreeable, they are so eager to please others and keep an even keel that they end up criticizing themselves. Perhaps you know your partner likes the house to be tidy when they come home from work. Sometimes, though, you have a busy day and don’t get around to it. Your partner comes home disappointed, and you beat yourself up, admonishing your inability to get it done. Instead, go easy on yourself, it’s okay not to be perfect always and to have days where you can’t fit everything in.
13. You could get taken advantage of at work.
Whether you’re in an entry-level job, or at the top of the corporate ladder, if you make yourself too agreeable, you could end up being taken advantage of in your work setting. Perhaps you’ve gained a reputation for always saying “yes” to any requests, so every time there’s a meeting and someone needs to draw the short straw to face the press or cold call for the morning, your name automatically comes up. Give yourself a voice by putting your foot down next time you’re recommended for an unwanted task and say that they should pick someone else instead.
14. You could end up making yourself too small.
When someone is too agreeable, they try to make themselves as small as possible. For example, in a social situation, you might downplay your accomplishments, like how you just got promoted at work or graduated from college with honors. Instead, assert yourself by being proud of what you’ve achieved, saying, “I worked hard for it, so it’s something I’m proud of.”
15. You could end up feeling guilty about taking care of yourself.
As someone too agreeable, you’re in danger of neglecting your needs. You could end up starting to feel guilty for taking care of yourself. For example, you might be tired after a long day at work and need to rest because you know you’ve got another long day ahead. However, your partner insists that you make them dinner, even though you’d rather order takeout. Assert yourself by communicating that you’d love to, but you need support because work is overwhelming.
