When people hear about non-monogamy, they often picture someone cheating on their partner. That’s not the same thing. Ethical non-monogamy is a dynamic where all partners involved in a relationship or relationship constellation understand that they’re free to flirt or be with other people. Here are a few reasons why that appeals to so many people.
1. They believe their sexuality is fluid.
Some people stay attracted to one person forever and that’s great for them. Others, like one in 11 Americans, find that their sexuality morphs with time. Non-monogamous people embrace those changes rather than pretending the changes don’t exist.
2. They haven’t committed in the past.
If someone knows they have a painful history of cheating on their partners, they might be more open to non-monogamy. They’ll prevent a future partner’s pain if their cheating behaviors continue. It gives them space to enjoy their life, not hurt anyone, and work on whatever may have motivated them to establish a habit of cheating.
3. They didn’t get to explore their sexuality before.
Many people don’t have the freedom to explore their sexuality in their younger years. Whether they grew up in an unaccepting environment or just didn’t like the people in their community, non-monogamy is an adventure in self-exploration and ultimately self-acceptance. Everyone deserves that, no matter their age.
4. They love learning things from new people.
You learn new perspectives and lessons when you grow close to people. Those learning opportunities get even more intense when you’re in an intimate relationship. You might be a non-monogamous person if you value learning from people while growing close romantically or intimately. It’s worth noting that non-monogamous life experiences also don’t require maintaining numerous relationships. People enjoy finding connections by swinging or starting short-term connections with people who also don’t want long-term relationships.
5. They don’t want a specific societal expectation that comes with monogamy.
People who prefer traditional monogamy often place expectations on others in the same relationship dynamic. Non-monogamous people don’t want to enter a relationship and feel societal pressure to do other traditional things like buy a home and have a child. They also don’t want to prevent their partner from achieving those things if forming roots or having kids is their partner’s dream.
6. They’d rather not have the responsibility of fulfilling one person forever.
Committing to one person forever also means promising to fulfill them for all time. Being someone’s daily partner and sole intimate connection creates a significant amount of pressure for some people. Non-monogamy prevents one person from relying on you for their total gratification.
7. They doubt the reality of being happy with one person forever.
If someone has a history of losing romantic partners or watched their parents get divorced, the idea of making an instant, eternal spiritual connection sounds too magical to be real. Accepting potential loss feels safer for many people. They get to enjoy non-monogamous relationships without fearing a devastating loss because they pinned all of their happiness on one person.
8. They want their partner to feel sexually free.
You might fall in love with your partner but be unable to sexually satisfy them. Different libidos and preferences can create an uncomfortable mismatch even if the rest of the relationship is great. Non-monogamous people get their various needs met from their numerous or changing partners so there’s less unhappiness with those they want to be with long-term.
9. They dream about having a more intimate community.
People love the idea of found families. Those happen when you find friends who feel like long-lost family members and support you as if you were related. Non-monogamous people enjoy that same dynamic but with more intimate connections. The resulting sense of community might make them feel safe and supported, especially if they aren’t close with their genetically related family members.
10. They want to live without traditional relationship-dynamic expectations.
Some promises are too big for people to keep. Promising that you’ll only love your one partner the most and only feel the most emotionally connected with them might not seem practical if you’re non-monogamous. Instead of feeling unhappy and potentially experiencing emotional explosions in a restricting relationship, a non-monogamous person feels more relaxed without a traditional relationship dynamic. There’s less chance of hurting someone when you can’t fulfill those big promises or resent the expectation of completing them.
11. They enjoy having multiple places to call home.
Many people spend their lives traveling. Forming roots doesn’t make sense if they prefer exploring the world or traveling for their job. As they explore new places, they get to meet people and form relationships. No matter where they go, they can create a sense of home that’s as rewarding as another person’s dream of a house with a white picket fence.
12. They embrace different experiences in love.
No one communicates or displays their love in identical ways. A non-monogamous person might love getting to know a mysterious person and also love basking in the vulnerability of someone who’s an open book. All of these things make their romantic or intimate connections better, instead of just enjoying one person forever.
13. They don’t want to be one person’s sole support system.
Partners challenge each other as they grow and support each other when they’re down. That’s a lot of responsibility. Although non-monogamy means sometimes you’ll have more than one partner to support, it also means they’ll have at least a few close confidants helping too. You won’t be the primary source of care when that partner is sick or going through hard times.
14. They want a village for their kids.
Many non-monogamous parents value their relationship style because it builds a supportive network for their kids. They get romantically fulfilled while also gaining a few extra hands to help raise their children, carpool them around town, and celebrate holidays.
Non-monogamous people might introduce their partners as friends or teach their children about ethical non-monogamy being an option alongside monogamy to normalize it for the next generation. A recent PEW Research study found that 44% of parents want to raise their kids in a home where all types of love are welcome, which includes non-monogamy.
15. They want to celebrate their primary partner with someone.
Imagine a time when you realized one of your friends also adored the thing you’re most passionate about. You likely had a rush of adrenaline and felt much closer to them. People in non-monogamous relationships who share partners get the same rush when celebrating someone they both adore. It makes every memory feel more special because you both love the same person equally, just in different ways.
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