As parents, we hope for a loving and open relationship with our adult children. But sometimes, despite our best intentions, resentment can creep into the dynamic. This can be a painful realization, especially if the signs are subtle and not openly expressed. If you suspect your adult child might be harboring some resentment towards you, here are some subtle signs to watch out for and, more importantly, how to address them.
1. They avoid spending quality time with you.
While busy lives and schedules are a reality, if your adult child consistently avoids spending meaningful time with you, it could be a sign of underlying resentment. They might make excuses, cancel plans last minute, or seem uninterested in engaging in activities you used to enjoy together. If you notice a pattern of avoidance, it’s worth exploring what might be causing it.
2. They often bring up past conflicts or grievances.
Past hurts and disagreements can linger, even in the most loving families, Psych Central notes. If your adult child frequently brings up old arguments, rehashes past mistakes, or seems unable to let go of past grievances, it might indicate unresolved resentment. It’s essential to acknowledge their feelings, listen attentively, and try to understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
3. They dismiss or minimize your accomplishments and efforts.
If your adult child consistently downplays your achievements, dismisses your efforts, or seems unimpressed by your successes, it could be a subtle way of expressing resentment. They might make sarcastic remarks, offer backhanded compliments, or simply remain indifferent to your accomplishments. This behavior can stem from feelings of being overshadowed, undervalued, or unheard.
4. They compare you unfavorably to other parents.
Hearing your adult child constantly praise their friends’ parents or compare you unfavorably to other families can be disheartening. It might indicate that they feel their friends’ parents are more supportive, understanding, or successful than you. This behavior can stem from feelings of envy, disappointment, or a belief that they could have had a better life with different parents.
5. They are reluctant to ask for your help or advice.
Even as adults, children sometimes need their parents’ guidance and support. If your adult child seems hesitant to seek your help or advice, even when facing challenges or making important decisions, it might indicate a lack of trust or respect. They might believe that you’ll judge them, criticize their choices, or impose your own opinions instead of offering unbiased support.
6. They seem emotionally distant or closed off.
Resentment can create an emotional barrier between people. If your adult child seems emotionally distant, unresponsive, or closed off, it could be a sign that they’re holding back their true feelings. They might avoid deep conversations, deflect personal questions, or give short, noncommittal answers. This emotional distance can make it difficult to connect and resolve underlying issues.
7. They’re quick to criticize or judge your choices.
Adult children who resent their parents might be overly critical or judgmental of their choices, lifestyle, or parenting style. They might offer unsolicited advice, make sarcastic remarks, or express disapproval of your decisions. This behavior can stem from a belief that they know better than you or that your choices negatively impacted their life.
8. They are reluctant to share personal information or updates about their life.
Open communication is essential for healthy relationships. If your adult child seems reluctant to share details about their life, work, relationships, or personal struggles, it could be a sign that they don’t feel comfortable confiding in you. They might fear your judgment, criticism, or lack of understanding. This lack of communication can create distance and misunderstanding.
9. They frequently disagree with your opinions and values.
While healthy debate is normal in any relationship, constant disagreement and opposition to your opinions and values could be a sign of deeper resentment. If your adult child always seems to take the opposite stance, challenges your beliefs, or belittles your values, it might indicate a desire to distance themselves from your influence. This can be particularly painful if you feel like your child is rejecting the very foundation you tried to instill in them.
10. They rarely express gratitude or appreciation for your efforts.
A simple “thank you” can go a long way in showing appreciation and gratitude. If your adult child rarely acknowledges your efforts, takes your help for granted, or fails to express appreciation for the things you do for them, it could be a subtle sign of resentment. They might feel entitled to your support or believe that you owe them something, leading to a lack of gratitude or appreciation.
11. They seem to blame you for their current problems or challenges.
While parents play a significant role in shaping their children’s lives, it’s important for adult children to take responsibility for their own choices and actions. If your adult child frequently blames you for their current problems, failures, or unhappiness, it could be a sign of unresolved resentment. They might believe that your parenting style, decisions, or mistakes are the root cause of their struggles, preventing them from moving forward and taking ownership of their own life.
12. They are reluctant to include you in their celebrations or milestones.
Whether it’s a graduation, wedding, promotion, or other significant event, sharing these milestones with loved ones is a natural inclination. If your adult child consistently excludes you from their celebrations or downplays your involvement, it might indicate a desire to distance themselves emotionally. They might not want to acknowledge your role in their life or feel uncomfortable sharing their joy with you due to underlying resentment.
13. They express envy or resentment towards your own happiness or success.
If your adult child seems unhappy or resentful when you share good news, celebrate personal achievements, or experience joy in your own life, it could be a red flag. Their negative reaction might stem from feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, or a belief that you don’t deserve happiness. It’s essential to address these feelings with compassion and understanding, while also setting healthy boundaries to protect your own well-being.
14. They seem unwilling to forgive past mistakes or hurts.
Holding on to past hurts can be toxic for any relationship, Psychology Today notes. If your adult child seems unable to forgive past mistakes, even after apologies and attempts at reconciliation, it can indicate deep-seated resentment. They might bring up old grievances repeatedly, refuse to let go of the past, or hold on to anger and bitterness. Forgiveness is a complex process, and it might require professional guidance to help both of you heal and move forward.
