It’d be nice if we could trust everyone we meet but, unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. It can be really hard to tell right off the bat if someone deserves your trust. Here are several subtle behaviors that signal you’re dealing with someone highly untrustworthy.
1. They’re overly charming.
Have you ever met someone for the first time and thought they were super charismatic? They laughed at all your jokes, remembered your name, maintained a good amount of eye contact, and politely asked you questions about yourself that indicated genuine interest. What’s not to like? Well, if they’re a highly untrustworthy person, they could be laying it on thick—to betray you at some point, they have to win you over initially, right?
2. They show disrespect.
Perhaps you’ve known someone for a little while now, and while they aren’t like this all the time, you’ve noticed that they’ve subtly shown signs of disrespect towards you. For example, when ordering at a restaurant, they’ll cut you off before you finish your request and order for themselves. Or, perhaps they’ll push in front of you when you’re walking through a door together. If you feel like you’re being disrespected (even in small ways), this could be a sign they’re high untrustworthy.
3. Their words and actions don’t line up.
Another tell-tale sign that somebody can’t be trusted is if their words and actions don’t add up. Perhaps your partner has recently promised they’ll spend more time with you, claiming to have blocked off the upcoming weekend and even have a couple of recipes to try out during the week. When the time comes, however, they “forget” about the recipes and realize they’ve double-booked themselves on the weekend and have to cancel on you. Two words: not trustworthy.
4. They keep secrets from you.
If you’re dealing with someone who can’t be trusted no matter how much faith you put in them, then there is most likely a secret or two they’ve kept from you in the past. Perhaps you have a friend who has canceled on you the last couple of times you’ve planned to meet for coffee because they’ve been “sick.” However, you’ve brought this up to a mutual friend, and they mentioned that they saw that friend of yours the same day you were supposed to have coffee. Turns out they weren’t sick, just lying, and that screams untrustworthy.
5. They betray your confidence.
Everyone needs a friend to be vulnerable with—someone you know you can talk to about anything, and they’ll keep it to themselves. Let’s say you shared with a friend that your sibling was going through a divorce—the next morning, you got a text from a mutual friend asking if your sibling is okay. If you can’t trust that what you say will be kept confidential, this person isn’t worth trusting.
6. They lack accountability.
If someone can’t be trusted, they will be the last person to stand up and take responsibility for their actions. Perhaps this happens when you disagree with your partner. You try to bring up an issue, like them being distant, and instead of admitting their guilt and promising to work on it, they immediately become defensive and even blame you. This is a red flag and you should proceed with caution.
7. They gaslight those around them.
If you’re dealing with someone highly untrustworthy, they’ll probably show that through gaslighting. If you’re unfamiliar with this behavior, it’s when a person turns something around on you and makes you feel like you’re in the wrong. For example, you might ask your friend why they didn’t invite you to their party over the weekend. Instead of telling the truth, they claim they did message you, but it must not have gone through—there must be something wrong with your phone. Ugh.
8. They lie about big and small things.
Whether it’s a white lie or more serious deception, people who can’t be trusted will be deceitful for just about anything—from getting out of an uncomfortable situation to trying to win someone over. Our best advice here is to keep your ears peeled for any inconsistencies in their stories or excuses. If things aren’t lining up, then you can be sure they’re a full-time fibber.
9. They’re flaky.
We all have that one friend we’re always trying to catch up with, but the days turn into weeks and then months because they’re constantly canceling at the last minute. They claim it’s been ages, and they can’t wait to check out that new bar downtown with you, only to say at the eleventh hour that their car broke down and they have no way of getting there. If you can’t trust your friend to be there for you for stuff like trying out a new spot, you won’t be able to trust them for the bigger things.
10. They keep you and their family separate.
If you’re dating someone who can’t be trusted, you might have noticed their unwillingness to introduce you to their family. You’ve been dating for almost a year now, and every time you suggest you have their parents over for dinner or meet up for coffee with their siblings, they change the subject or claim that their family is busy and doesn’t have the time. This is most definitely not normal and should be investigated.
11. They don’t like talking about the future.
Another tell-tale sign that a partner is highly untrustworthy is if they can’t have a conversation about the future with you. You have plans you want to see come to fruition, like moving in together at some point, getting a dog, or even moving cities to be closer to family. However, every time you try to bring it up to them, they say that it’s a conversation for another time. Smells fishy.
12. They keep their personal life separate.
When dealing with someone who can’t be trusted, they’ll be shady about their personal life. Maybe you’ve just started dating someone, but whenever you suggest you get together and make dinner, it’s always at your place. Or whenever they say they’re going out with their friends and you ask if you can come, they shut you down and say, “Maybe next time.” If someone is constantly keeping you at a distance, there might be something they’re hiding.
13. They are constantly on their phone.
Phones these days are a big distraction, both in relationships and life in general. If someone you’re dealing with can’t be trusted, then you might have a bad gut feeling about how much time they’re spending on their phone. It’s one thing to check your messages and emails now and then, but this person is glued to their phone whether you’re at dinner, trying to have a heart-to-heart, or introducing them to a friend. They also get defensive when you ask them what they’re doing. It sounds like they’re hiding something, but what?
14. They drop in and out of touch.
Trustworthy people typically make a point of being available and showing that you can trust them through their actions. If someone can’t be trusted, however, it’ll be the opposite. Perhaps you’ve been dating someone for three months, and in that time, they’ve fallen off the map at least three times. Your text messages sat undelivered, their phone was off when you tried to call, and they didn’t answer the door when you dropped in on your way home from work. Unavailability is a big sign of not being trustworthy.
15. They focus on your insecurities.
An interesting thing about untrustworthy people is that they often try to deflect attention from themselves and put it onto you. For example, maybe you approach them about something that’s bothering you—they may deflect by saying, “You know, that shirt is really unflattering, maybe you should change.” Even though it has nothing to do with what you approached them about, this is a distraction tool that they know will throw you off their scent.
