Things weren’t so great in your household growing up, but now that you’ve moved out, things have “gotten better.”
And yet, you still wonder if maybe your parents were abusing you all along. If this sounds familiar, you may be the victim of gray area abuse. This type of abuse isn’t intentionally meant to harm, and your parents might even be working on themselves to do better. Nevertheless, the emotional repercussions are real. Though it might not be “bad enough” to cut off your parents, if they are doing more than one of the following, then it might be time to establish some boundaries.
[Disclaimer: With all these signs of gray area abuse, if the person is completely unaware of their behavior, and they do it most of the time or to an escalating degree, they might be abusing you, and you should take steps to protect yourself.]
1. Every conversation is about them.
Just because you’re used to your mom or dad only calling to gossip about their neighbors or tell you all about their latest hobby doesn’t mean it’s okay. In fact, if they seem incapable of talking about anything that doesn’t have to do with them, they might be a narcissist. Either way, they are being selfish, and as their child, it can make you feel less important or valued.
2. They always forget to ask about you.
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In a similar vein to making every conversation about them, your mom or dad might not take an interest in your life. This is easy to ignore or accept, especially if you grew up not being encouraged to talk about yourself. But mutual concern is an important part of any relationship. It shows that the other person cares about you for who you are.
3. They always try to “fix” you.
Maybe you do talk about yourself, but every time you tell your mom or dad what’s going on with you, they are full of solutions instead of sympathy. Most of the time, all you want is love and concern from our parents. When they’re constantly giving solutions instead, they’re saying you need to be fixed, as if you’re a problem.
4. Their ego is extremely fragile.
Interactions with thin-skinned parents can feel like you’re always walking on eggshells. Anything you say, especially about them, can be taken as offensive. A fragile ego might not be enough to cut off contact with a parent, but it’s definitely worthy of discussion.
5. You’re never good enough, no matter what you do.
It’s one thing to have a parent with high standards, but if your parent makes you feel like you can never be good enough, you’re experiencing gray area abuse. Much of our self-worth is developed in early childhood. If your parents are still being overly critical of you as an adult, they are perpetuating feelings of low self-esteem.
6. They defend other people over you.
Though you may have a partner and many friends who are endlessly supportive of you, it can really hurt when your parents aren’t. Your mom and dad should have been your first cheerleaders, and they should continue to be in adulthood. So next time one of your parents asks how you could have reacted “better” when your coworker was disrespectful, try asking them to be on your side.
7. They don’t value your opinion.
Adult parent/child relationships can be difficult if one or both parties don’t step out of the necessary power dynamic that comes with raising a child. As adults, it’s the parent’s responsibility to start treating their child like an adult. If your parent is always dismissive of what you think about certain situations, they probably still think of you as naive, irresponsible, and/or uninformed.
8. You have to hide personal information.
I’m not talking about your social security number. If you’re afraid to tell your mom or dad how you’re doing at work or how you really feel about gay people because they will use the information against you, this is gray area abuse. Your parents don’t have to agree with you about everything, but they should be a relatively safe space for you to say what’s on your mind.
9. You have to hide your new partner.
One of the biggest pieces of personal information you might feel you need to hide from your parents is when you start seeing someone new. You might be afraid that your parents will immediately demand to meet them or disapprove based on one detail about them. Whatever the reason, if you feel the need to keep your new partner a secret until you think it’s “safe,” it’s time to have a firm conversation with your parents.
10. Your partner is never good enough.
Maybe your parents were never critical of you, but every time you brought a new partner home, they immediately disliked them for superficial reasons. This becomes gray area abuse when it starts to affect your relationship with your partner. Your parents shouldn’t make you feel like you have to choose between them or your partner.
11. You can never miss a family gathering.
To a certain extent, it’s a parent’s job to make sure their children go to a reasonable number of birthdays and holiday gatherings. However, you shouldn’t feel like missing Easter is the end of the world. You are entitled to live your own life. If your mom or dad throws a fit every time you mention maybe skipping a get-together (no matter the reason), it’s time to set some boundaries.
12. They’re way too nosy.
A healthy parent/child relationship includes good communication and respect for boundaries. If you tell your mom or dad you don’t want to talk about a certain topic, they should respect your privacy. Many people can’t handle being shut out or denied information, so they might get pushy, guilt-trip you, or even scour your social media.
13. They have no boundaries.
Many adult children have no problem talking about sex or other taboo subjects with their parents, but if you make it clear you’re not interested in talking about this or any other topic, your parent needs to follow your lead. Different relationships fill different needs. You might consider your mom or dad your best friend, but their role is not to talk to you about every intimate detail of their lives.
14. They trigger you.
Whether or not they mean to, your parents are the most likely people to trigger your traumas. This is because often they were the cause of those traumas. This doesn’t mean they get to do or say whatever they want. You’re not “fragile,” you’re standing up for yourself.
15. You feel “off” after interactions with them.
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Finally, if you feel upset or “off” after spending time with your parents, you may be experiencing gray area abuse. Sometimes it takes hours and hours with a therapist to uncover the underlying triggers. But your body knows when things aren’t right. These feelings will be expressed as being irritable, having an upset stomach, feeling sad or depressed, feeling manic, or even physical pain.
