You’re in the honeymoon phase and you know what that means: everything’s rosy, butterflies abound, and you’re convinced you’ve found “the one.” But before you start picking out china patterns, let’s pump the brakes. Psychology has some insights about early red flags that might indicate your love story is more likely to be a short story than an epic novel. Here are the signs to watch out for.
1. One of you pursues while the other distances
This classic relationship dynamic is like an emotional tango where one partner always moves forward (the pursuer) while the other steps back (the distancer). Psychologists see this pattern in many troubled relationships. The more one pursues, the more the other distances, creating a vicious cycle. If this feels familiar, you might be in for a long and frustrating journey.
2. Your relationship exists in a bubble
While it’s normal to want to spend lots of time together initially, completely isolating yourselves from friends, family, and individual interests is a red flag. Psychologists emphasize the importance of maintaining individual identities within a relationship. If your partnership feels like you’re fusing into a two-headed relationship monster, that’s not sustainable.
3. Your idea of settling an argument is using the silent treatment
This is the relationship equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling “La la la, I can’t hear you!” According to Psych Central, this is a form of emotional abuse. It’s manipulative, immature, and about as effective at solving problems as trying to put out a fire with gasoline. If this is your default mode of handling conflicts, that’s not great.
4. Your emotional bank account is already overdrawn
Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman talks about the concept of an emotional bank account. According to Gottman, positive interactions are deposits, negative ones are withdrawals. If you’re constantly in the red, making more withdrawals than deposits, your relationship is heading for emotional bankruptcy. It takes multiple positive interactions to make up for one negative, so if you’re keeping score and it’s not looking good, that’s a red flag.
5. You’re ignoring or justifying red flags
If you find yourself constantly justifying your partner’s behavior or making excuses for red flags, you’re playing a dangerous game. Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance—when your beliefs don’t align with reality, so you change your beliefs instead of facing the truth.
6. You’re familiar with the four horsemen
We’re talking about criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—or the four behaviors psychologist John Gottman identified as major predictors of divorce. If these are showing up early in your relationship, it’s not exactly a recipe for long-term bliss.
7. Your attachment styles clash
Attachment theory isn’t just for babies and their moms. If you’re anxiously attached and your partner is avoidant, you’re in for a turbulent ride. It’s like one of you is constantly reaching for the gas while the other slams on the brakes. This mismatch can lead to an exhausting relationship.
8. You’re either idealizing them or devaluing them
One day they’re the best thing since sliced bread, the next they’re the worst mistake you’ve ever made. This emotional whiplash, often seen in people with certain personality disorders, is exhausting and unstable. Psychologists call this “splitting,” and it’s about as healthy for your relationship as a diet of pure sugar is for your body.
9. Your communication styles are a total mismatch
If your communication styles are consistently misaligned, you’re in for a bumpy ride. Psychologists emphasize that it’s not just about talking, but truly understanding each other. Miscommunication can lead to unmet needs, frustration, and eventually, relationship breakdown. It’s like trying to build IKEA furniture together when one of you has the French instructions and the other the Chinese—good luck.
10. Jealousy is the third person in your relationship
A little jealousy can be flattering, but if it’s showing up uninvited to every party, you’ve got a problem. Excessive jealousy often stems from insecurity and can lead to controlling behaviors. Psychologists warn that this can be a precursor to emotional or even physical abuse. If trust is rare in your relationship, it’s time to reevaluate.
11. There’s no emotional reciprocity going on
If one of you is always the comforter and the other the comforted, you’re not in a partnership—you’re in a therapy session. This imbalance can lead to resentment faster than you can say “And how does that make you feel?”
12. Conflict resolution? More like conflict avoidance
Every couple argues, but it’s how you argue that counts. If your idea of resolving conflict is pretending it never happened or always letting one person “win,” you’re building your relationship on a foundation of unresolved issues. It’s like constructing a house on a sinkhole—it might look stable now, but just wait.
13. Your values are on opposite ends of the spectrum
Sure, opposites can attract. But when it comes to core values—things like family, finances, and future goals—being on the same page is very important. If you’re a free spirit and your partner is all about the five-year plan, you might find yourselves headed in very different directions, relationship-wise.
14. Your boundaries aren’t exactly firm
If you find your personal boundaries constantly being violated or renegotiated, that’s a problem. Maybe you’re always canceling plans with friends to appease your partner, or perhaps they’re pushing you into situations that make you uncomfortable. Psychologists stress that good boundaries are the fence that keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. Without them, your relationship is vulnerable.
15. Your emotional intimacy is non-existent
Physical attraction is great, but if that’s all you’ve got, your relationship is standing on one leg—and it’s wobbly. Emotional intimacy—the ability to share your deepest fears, hopes, and vulnerabilities according to Psychology Today—is crucial for long-term relationship success. If your deepest conversations never get past what to have for dinner, psychologists would say you’re building a relationship on quicksand.
