Some people are a little too good at handing out backhanded compliments that are supposed to be nice, but leave you feeling a little gross. Sometimes they subtly put you down, but disguise it as politeness or “just trying to help,” and it seriously sucks. Being able to spot these phrases is the first step to shutting them down, because sometimes a little directness is healthy. You don’t have to be made to feel like crap!
1. “Wow, you’re articulate!”
This one exposes some deep-seated biases about who’s expected to be intelligent based on race, class, education level, etc. It’s that shock registering on someone’s face when you exceed their lowered expectations of you. The truly articulate person would find a way to compliment someone’s ideas, not act like basic eloquence is some rare talent.
2. “Well, at least you tried.”
Ouch. This is what you say to a kid who lost the game, not a competent adult. It implies that effort was the only thing you had going for you, and the outcome was inevitably going to be a failure. It minimizes whatever skill you do have and dismisses your genuine attempts at a particular task or goal.
3. “Let me break this down for you.”
Unless you’re actually explaining a complex concept to someone who has asked for clarification, this is condescending. It assumes the other person is incapable of understanding without you oversimplifying it for them, like they’re a child. There’s a difference between offering help when needed, and assuming the other person is clueless, Fast Company explains.
4. “I’m not mad, just disappointed.”
If passive aggression were an Olympic sport, this would win gold. This phrase is designed to induce maximum guilt, implying you’ve not just inconvenienced someone, but let them down on a deep, moral level. It’s emotionally manipulative, and takes a normal disagreement into overly dramatic territory.
5. “Just playing devil’s advocate…”
People who overuse this phrase are rarely interested in a genuine debate. It’s often an excuse to say rude, contrarian things and then hide behind “just challenging the idea!” when called out. Real devil’s advocates offer well-thought-out counterpoints, not just inflammatory statements designed to stir the pot.
6. “You seem a little stressed…”
This is dismissive, especially in a work setting, especially since it reframes valid concerns or frustrations as you being overly emotional or irrational. It can even sound gaslight-y, making you doubt your own perception of a situation. A simple “Is there something I can help with?” is a way better option.
7. “You’re so cute when you’re angry!”
Infantilizing someone’s feelings is not a good look. Saying stuff like this dismisses genuine anger as a silly outburst, not something to be taken seriously. It’s particularly obnoxious when directed at women, as if we can’t be upset and rational at the same time. No one should have their emotions minimized like this.
8. “With all due respect…”
Ever notice how this is often a preface to saying something extremely disrespectful! It’s an attempt to soften the blow of the insult that’s inevitably coming next. True respect means engaging with what the other person has to say thoughtfully, not just being meaner in a slightly more polite tone.
9. “Are you sure about that?”
Questioning someone’s competence, especially in front of other people, is undermining. If they provide sources, data, or elaborate on their reasoning, and you STILL ask this, it implies they’re not thorough, even with evidence to back up their statements. There are better ways to double-check information without making someone feel foolish.
10. “You’re too sensitive.”
This is a go-to for dismissing someone’s emotional reaction. Everyone has triggers and sensitivities – things that hurt deeper for them than the average person. Saying this invalidates their feelings and implies there’s something WRONG with them for being upset, rather than offering empathy or trying to understand the root cause of their hurt.
11. “Relax, I was just joking!”
If someone repeatedly says hurtful things and then hides behind “just a joke!” they’re not funny, they’re manipulative. This tactic deflects accountability. Truly harmless jokes don’t require the other person to suppress their feelings in order for the “joker” to feel comfortable.
12. “Don’t take it personally…”
Uh, sometimes things are personal. If someone criticizes your work, your parenting, or your choices, it’s natural to feel that on a personal level! This phrase attempts to make the speaker blameless by putting the onus on YOU to magically detach yourself from, well, being a human with feelings.
13. “You look so much better when you smile!”
Policing someone’s facial expressions, especially women’s, is rooted in some sexist BS. It implies our duty is to be aesthetically pleasing at all times. Sometimes, people aren’t smiling because they’re preoccupied, tired, or simply don’t feel like it! Our baseline expression isn’t a performance for others’ approval.
14. “It’s really not that deep.”
A dismissive way to shut down a conversation where the other person is expressing genuine feelings. It minimizes their experience and implies they’re overcomplicating something simple. The thing is, what’s “deep” varies from person to person — respecting that is basic decency.
15. “I have a friend who’s [marginalized identity] and THEY don’t get offended by that…”
Using an individual to dismiss the experiences of an entire group is harmful. It also forces that friend to be a spokesperson for their whole identity, which isn’t their job! Marginalized folks aren’t a monolith, and what one finds hurtful, another might not. This phrase erases those differences to maintain the status quo.
16. “Well, that escalated quickly.”
Sometimes it HAS escalated quickly… because the other person was dismissive from the get-go and now the frustration has boiled over. This phrase shifts the blame onto the passionate person in the conversation, painting them as unreasonable, instead of acknowledging the role the condescending person played in things getting heated.
17. “You clean up nice!”
Oof. This backhanded compliment is all about the element of surprise. It basically implies you normally look kind of rough, and it’s shocking that you managed to put yourself together for once. Is it meant to be flattering? Sure. Does it succeed? Nope!
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