Let’s talk about those people who deserve an Oscar for their performance of liking you while secretly doing the opposite. Here are the signs that someone’s “friendship” is about as real as your kooky (and a self-obsessed) aunt’s stories about her modeling career in Paris.
1. Their Compliments Feel Like Paper Cuts
“You’re so brave to wear that!” or “I wish I was as confident as you are about my work.” Sound familiar? Their praise comes wrapped in subtle digs, delivered with a sweet smile, to boot. But somehow, you always walk away from their “compliments” feeling slightly worse about yourself, and you can’t quite put your finger on why.
2. They Collect Details About Your Life
This isn’t because they care—it’s because information is currency. They’ll ask probing questions about your relationship troubles or career challenges, not to support you, but to have fresh material for their gossip newsletter. The minute you leave the room, your personal life becomes their favorite conversation starter with others: “Did you hear about what’s happening with…?”
3. Their Support Comes With An Audience
They’re your biggest cheerleader, but only when other people are watching. Their supportive comments are always performative, always public, and always where they can get credit for being such a good friend. Instagram comments? Abundant. Real help when you’re moving apartments? Suddenly they’re booked solid for the next three months. Their friendship is all about the optics with zero substance.
4. They’re Selectively Forgetful
Their memory is fascinatingly selective. They’ll forget your birthday, your promotion, your cat’s name (that you’ve told them 12 times), but they’ll remember exactly what you said about Karen from accounting after three margaritas in 2019. Important moments in your life mysteriously slip their mind, but anything they can potentially use against you is stored in their memory with crystal-clear detail.
5. Their Emergencies Trump Your Everything
Whenever you have something significant happening in your life, they suddenly develop an urgent crisis that needs immediate attention. Your wedding week? Their car breaks down and they need extensive emotional support. Your big presentation at work? They’re going through an existential crisis that requires hourly check-ins. Their emergencies have a suspicious habit of stealing the spotlight from your moments.
6. They’re Enthusiastically Unsupportive
They have a special talent for being aggressively unhelpful while seeming supportive. “Oh, you’re having a baby? Let me tell you about my cousin who tried that and ended up with an estranged daughter!” They’ll share every worst-case scenario, horror story, and potential disaster related to your dreams, all while claiming they’re “just looking out for you.”
7. They’re Networking, Not Connecting
Every interaction feels like they’re mentally calculating its future value. They’re not interested in your life, they’re interested in how knowing you might benefit them later. They treat friendship like a LinkedIn connection—always thinking about the potential ROI. You can practically see them updating their mental contact database every time you mention a useful connection or skill.
8. Their Timing Is Suspiciously Poor
They have an uncanny ability to be unavailable exactly when you need them, but they expect you to drop everything when they call. Their excuses are always just plausible enough that you can’t call them out, but after the fifteenth “Oh no, I just saw your message!” you start to see the pattern. They’re flakier than a croissant, but heaven forbid you take more than an hour to respond to their texts.
9. They’re Announcement Vultures
The minute you share good news, they swoop in with their own bigger, better news. Your new job becomes a launching pad for them to talk about their amazing career trajectory. Your engagement is immediately overshadowed by their relationship drama. They’re like that friend who has to bring an extravagant gift to someone else’s birthday party—they just can’t stand not being the center of attention.
10. They Give Gifts That Send Messages
Speaking of gifts, their presents feel more like subtle commentary than actual gifts. A self-help book about confidence “because you mentioned feeling nervous at work.” A fitness program “because you said you missed your old energy levels.” Every gift comes with a side of judgment, wrapped in just enough plausible deniability to make you feel crazy for being offended.
11. They’re Historians of Your Mistakes
They have an encyclopedic memory for your slip-ups, bad decisions, and embarrassing moments, which they love to reference “jokingly” in group settings. They’ll bring up your failed relationship from five years ago in casual conversation, or remind everyone about that time you messed up at work, all with a laugh and a “We can joke about this now, right?”
12. Their Invitations Are Strategically Timed
They only remember you exist when they need something or when declining would make them look bad. You’ll get invited to things at the last minute (usually when someone else has canceled) or to events where they need to fill seats. Their invitations always feel less like “I want you there” and more like “I need warm bodies in chairs.” You’re not a guest; you’re a backup plan.
13. They Practice Defensive Friendship
They preemptively tell others about conflicts with you, but only their version, creating a narrative where they’re always the reasonable ones dealing with your issues. By the time you try to talk to mutual friends about problems in the relationship, they’ve already done damage control. They don’t maintain friendships; they manage their reputation in the friendship.
