When we talk about abusive behavior, most people automatically assume it to be physical, but this ignores that emotional abuse is not only more prevalent but not as talked about. So how do you know if what you’re experiencing is abuse, and more importantly, how can you spot people who are emotionally abusive before you allow them to make you the next victim? We’ve identified some of the most common red flags that emotionally abusive people have that you should look out for.
1. They’re critical of everything.
Emotional abusers thrive off of making you feel insecure because it means you’re easier to manipulate. If you meet someone with nothing nice to say about you or others, kick them to the curb.
2. They don’t respect your privacy.
Keeping secrets is not healthy; still, there are things you may feel more comfortable keeping private, such as a journal or your messages to friends. If someone is obsessed with being all up in your business, it may be a sign that they don’t respect you and may even be looking for ammunition to hurt you.
3. They want you all to themselves.
Wanting all your attention might seem like a green flag; it’s another fine line. Emotional abusers often try to separate you from your support network so they have more control over you. Don’t fall for it
4. They will victimize anyone.
Though most assume that emotional abuse only happens within romantic relationships, it’s not entirely true. No one is off limits when an abuser is looking for a new victim; they will even target their friends, family, or their own children.
5. They’re always at the center of drama.
Dramatic people can throw us off our game and make us feel like we’re not in control. They will make you doubt your worth by degrading and verbally abusing you and anyone else they can get their hands on. Another unexpected downside to an overly dramatic person is they use their drama to draw victims in. It’s the trainwreck you can’t look away from, but trust me, you don’t want to be on board when it crashes.
6. They downplay your feelings.
We know that downplaying someone’s feelings is never okay. However, emotionally abusive people will downplay your feelings in order to make you doubt your reality and make you feel guilty for expressing yourself at all. This is how they stay in control of you, and discourage you from speaking out.
7. It’s never their fault.
Taking accountability is something we all have to learn at some point, but emotionally abusive people tend to take that pretty lightly. Not accepting responsibility for their faults and putting them on you is another tactic that abusers use. No matter what havoc they cause, they will claim that someone else is responsible for their bad behavior. Abusers will do anything to avoid being seen in a negative light.
8. They’re self-centered.
A common trait for abusers is that they are always focused on what they want and don’t care how it affects other people. They will put you in compromising positions so they can get closer to their goals. If you dare to stand in their way or tell them their behavior is self-centered, you’re likely in for some drama. These people will do anything to leverage the situation in their favor, no matter how much it hurts those around them.
9. They have a shame-centric mindset.
Shame is terrible for your self-esteem and mental health, period. In a situation where an abuser feels threatened by your social connections, they might say something like, “You’re always talking to your friends; you care more about them than me!” This is their way of discouraging your friendships and trying to shame you instead of addressing their jealousy. If someone constantly makes you feel ashamed of your hobbies, relationships, or feelings, they’re trying to break you down and don’t belong in your life.
10. They refuse to respect boundaries.
Having rules for your relationship with people is essential to protecting your peace of mind, but emotional abusers are likely to bulldoze those expectations. Learning to set boundaries is hard, and it gets more complicated when someone toxic acts out because they don’t want to follow them.
11. They make jokes at your expense.
Some of our relationships thrive on playful back-and-forth, but as with anything, there are times when this goes too far and can lead to abuse. You should never accept jokes that attack your character and make you feel bad about yourself.
12. They don’t seem to want the best for you.
Just because someone is around or giving you energy doesn’t mean they care. We want nourishing relationships that make us feel valued and secure, not relationships that make us feel unimportant and small. Abusers will make you feel unvalued and not cheer you on when you need it most, and this could be because they secretly envy your success. People like this are toxic, and you don’t need them if they don’t contribute positively to your life.
13. They’re manipulative.
Manipulation is a way to gain control over someone, and emotionally abusive people love control. Watch out for people constantly twisting your words or moving things around behind the scenes to make better outcomes for themselves. They might gaslight, lie, or become passive-aggressive to get you to change your behavior or feelings to something that suits them more. This, although subtle, is still a potent and dangerous form of abuse.
14. They’re emotionally explosive.
Big feelings are nothing new; we all have them, and as adults, we need to learn how to control them. Emotional explosions could be anything from crying to gain sympathy to having an outburst of rage that scares you into submission. Do not let their emotions control you.
15. They have unreasonable expectations.
High standards are in, but it’s possible to shoot a little too high. Having a relationship where someone expects the world from you with no compassion for where you are is draining. Not to mention, it can make you feel like you’re not good enough, which is music to an emotional abuser’s ears.
16. They love to argue.
It’s not uncommon to argue once in a while, but arguing 24/7 with your friend or partner may be an abuse tactic. Constant arguing may make the victim feel they have to walk on eggshells to avoid another blowout. From the abuser’s perspective, arguing is a great opportunity for them to leverage a situation in their favor and create chaos, which leaves lots of room for manipulation. They might also use arguments to stress you out and wear you down so you have less energy to defy them.
17. They run hot and cold.
One day, they love you; the next day, they hate you—what a horrible cycle to be in. When an abuser wants you to be more receptive, they may turn on the charm, and when you don’t act how they want, they may withdraw it. Be cautious of people who use closeness and affection to accomplish what they want.
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