When you first started dating your partner, they were mysterious and had their walls up, but you were optimistic that things would improve with time and they’d let their guard down. However, that still hasn’t happened, and it’s making you wonder if your partner’s closed off to you and blocking your emotional connection. Could this be true? Here are 15 signs that they’re holding themselves back and it’s ruining your relationship.
1. They avoid making concrete plans.
An emotionally unavailable partner will say, “Maybe — let’s see!” when you suggest making future plans. This can be frustrating at best and downright soul-destroying at worst, especially when you really care about them. You’re always put on ice, waiting around to see if you’re going to be with them in the next few weeks or months. Just when you think you’re standing on stable ground, you realize it’s a carpet they’re pulling under your feet as they can’t commit to anything.
2. They choose all the date activities.
It’s a red flag if the person you’re dating only wants to do what they want to do. While it’s cool for them to suggest fun date activities, it’s unfair if they’re only concerned about their own needs and wants. What about you? An emotionally mature relationship means that both partners are being acknowledged and cared for, down to pursuing their interests and hobbies. As Psychology Today notes, it’s important to nip selfishness in relationships in the bud if you don’t want to end up miserable.
3. They get weird about commitment.
When you talk about your partner’s friend who’s getting married, your partner might make sarcastic remarks or change the subject. The same goes for whenever you hint that you’d like to move things forward, or you want to know where you stand. It’s clear they’re resisting talks about relationship progression and marriage because they have commitment issues that are holding them back.
4. They don’t try to understand you.
You feel so lonely in your relationship when your partner doesn’t try to understand what you’re saying, feeling, and thinking. If they just ignore you or brush you off, they’re pushing you away. You can’t maintain a healthy relationship if they’re blocking any emotional intimacy because it’s a red flag that they don’t want to make an effort to grow with you.
5. They don’t show anyone that they care about you.
Your partner doesn’t have to shout it out to the world that they love you, but it’s nice if they’re open about their feelings for you. If you’re in a relationship with someone who never shares their relationship status on social media or behaves like your buddy around their friends and loved ones, it can make you feel like you’re not special to them or they’re keeping you a secret (and at arm’s length).
6. They don’t seem excited to be with you.
You want to feel that your partner is happy to spend time with you and enthusiastic about growing as a couple, right? If you’re the only one excited about your two-year anniversary or your upcoming vacation, that’s not a cool feeling. They could be holding back on their feelings because they don’t want to get too close.
7. They don’t open up to you.
It’s frustrating to deal with a partner who doesn’t express their feelings. Maybe when they’re angry, instead of talking to you about it, they shut down and hit the bar or golf course with their friends. The same goes for if they don’t tell you good news, like when they get a new job. They’d rather share their feelings with other people, showing you that you’re not someone they want to reach out to for emotional support.
8. They tend to go offline without telling you.
If you’re in a relationship with someone, you should be told when they want to take some time for themselves so you don’t feel dissed by all your unanswered texts. It’s common decency! If they disappear and you’re left sending messages into the air, that’s not cool. You’ll feel anxious in the relationship and not feel sure about what they really want from you. They’re giving you mixed messages.
9. They only care about what happens in the bedroom.
Although physical intimacy is important in relationships, your partner might try to make every conversation and date activity about what happens between the sheets. If you try to have a deep or meaningful conversation, they’ll steer things to the bedroom. It’s frustrating because your need to be connected emotionally isn’t being met — and might never be.
10. They make light of serious topics.
It’s important for couples to tackle difficult topics and issues so they can grow closer. Someone who’s blocking emotional intimacy will avoid these serious conversations as much as possible. So, when you try to talk to them about something important, like feeling disconnected or neglected, they’ll change the subject or make light of what you’re saying. Everything’s always a joke to them.
11. They point out your flaws.
Your partner might be critical, always pointing out things they don’t like about you. For instance, they might say, “I love your laugh, but I find your humor childish,” or, “I wish you could be a bit more chill.” Ouch. Sometimes, a partner who’s trying to avoid emotional closeness will hold you to high standards that you can’t meet, regardless of what you do, so they can prevent intimacy, Verywell Mind explains. It’s sneaky.
12. They tell you that you’re being “so dramatic.”
Whether you confront your partner about all your unanswered texts, or you let them see you after a bad day at work when you’re close to tears, they dismiss your feelings. You can’t trust them to respect or validate your emotions when they don’t even do that with their own. However, it still hurts when they call you “sensitive” or “dramatic” instead of supporting you.
13. They put up a wall during conflict.
Every relationship experiences conflict from time to time, but someone who doesn’t want to get close to you emotionally is going to avoid fighting as much as possible. They don’t want to get up close and personal with your relationship issues or your feelings. They might act like the issues are no big deal or try to avoid those heavy conversations to keep you at a distance.
14. They blame you for everything.
Sometimes, people who struggle with being emotional available will avoid taking responsibility for anything that goes wrong. You become a scapegoat in the relationship, and it’s so unfair. They don’t want to address their feelings and issues so that they can grow. Instead, they’d rather keep their blinders on and keep the relationship ticking in a casual, no-strings way.
15. They cancel plans.
If your partner is avoiding emotional intimacy, they won’t want to spend too much time in your company because this will make you grow closer. So, they’ll cancel on you or take rain-checks on many dates, sometimes right at the last minute. They’re keeping their options open, so you’re not going to be number one on their list.
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