When we think about manipulative tactics, we imagine the obvious culprits like lovebombing, gaslighting, drama, guilt-tripping, and emotional outbursts. Unfortunately, manipulation isn’t always so clear-cut and easily identifiable. There are subtle forms of manipulations that can fly under the radar and go unnoticed for a long time. Being able to identify these crafty strategies that partners might use to gain control or get their way in relationships, can enable you to put an end to the manipulation and regain your autonomy before the situation worsens.
1. Slowly taking away your independence.
You don’t see it coming because it starts with little acts that seem romantic and cute. They find solutions to your problems, they lend a hand in emergencies, they help you make plans, they help manage your finances or parts of your business, and they offer to do things for you to save you stress. As time goes by, you find yourself relying more and more on them even down to the smallest things. You’re slowly being stripped of control over your life and your partner is becoming more indispensable to you.
2. Maintaining their cool in every situation.
Your partner’s superpower is being calm when things get rough, no matter what happens. Unfortunately for you, they use it to make you look bad. They end up looking like the rational ones while making you appear too emotional and dramatic (even when you’re having a perfectly normal response to a situation).
3. Doing a good deed for something in return.
Yes, it’s nice to be nice. But doing something good with the intent of using it to curry favor or get your way later is a subtle form of manipulation, even when it’s for a good or harmless purpose. If your partner has a habit of doing good things that usually involve you doing something else for them later on that you may not have done otherwise, wake up and smell the puppetry.
4. Generalizing and exaggerating.
This is when someone tries to get you to do something they want by making outlandish statements and accusations to cloud your judgment. They may say something like, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t go to that party,” or “No one ever puts me first,” or “If you won’t do me this favor, how can you claim to care about me?”
5. Asking questions they already know the answers to.
Honesty is important in relationships, but you don’t have to tell your partner every little thing. Sometimes, it may be wise to hold some things back, like if you’re just not ready to share the information yet. However, your partner may find out about it and instead of simply confronting you, they’ll ask questions that dance around the topic to see what information they can squeeze out of you.
6. Withholding affection or sex.
Another subtle form of manipulation you may experience in relationships is a withdrawal of intimacy and refusal to engage. It’s when your partner gives you the cold shoulder or withholds sex from the relationship after a fight or disagreement. They’ll keep acting this way until you go along with their demands or give them an apology.
7. Complicating straightforward things.
You try to talk to them about something they did, but instead of concentrating on the subject at hand, they start talking about all the times you did something they didn’t like and they let it slide. They make a big deal out of insignificant issues, change the topic of conversation on a whim, and complicate matters to exhaust, frustrate, and control you.
8. Softening you up before an ask.
Maybe your partner wants you to do them a favor, but they won’t be straightforward and ask for your help. What they do is start opening up to you about something they’re worried, saddened, or angry about. Then when you ask what’s wrong, they’ll say they don’t want to bother you with their problems. By this time, you’re already concerned and eager to help out however you can. That’s when they make the ask.
9. Brandishing comparisons to get their way.
Your partner wants something from you, but you’re reluctant to agree, so they attempt to make you change your mind by comparing you to someone else. They’ll tell you about how all their friends are going to an event or how one of their friends always buys them nice gifts, but you don’t. They’ll choose comparisons that they know will cause you to feel insecure or put you under pressure.
10. Nitpickicking to death.
Rather than directly communicate what they want or don’t want, a partner might subtly manipulate you by criticizing your choices and suggestions. Let’s say you’re trying to convince them to go on vacation with you, they won’t say no, but every time you suggest a destination, they’ll list ten things wrong with it. This is how they disguise their need for control or the fact that they’re the ones making the decision. Eventually, you’ll get tired and give up planning the trip or agree to go somewhere they want to go.
11. Playing on emotions.
If your partner is fond of making you prove your love for them, there’s a good chance they’re doing it to emotionally manipulate you. They’ll typically use this tactic whenever they want to evade accountability or get you to change your mind. They’ll say things like, “This shows you don’t trust me,” when you confront them about their inappropriate relationship with someone else. Or “It’s sad that I love you more than you love me,” when you say no to them.
12. Mixing compliments with putdowns.
Perhaps your partner can’t seem to pay you a compliment without finding a way to slip in a criticism or an insult. It seems like nothing you do is ever good enough to get their full approval. But you can’t call them out on it without looking like you’re being too prickly because the negative comment came rolled up in a compliment.
13. Capitalizing on other people’s needs.
They want to spend some time with friends, but they won’t explain that to you. Instead, they’ll say that their friend is going through a difficult divorce and wants to go away for a while but they don’t want to be alone. So as a good friend, they need to be there for their buddy right now, and you wouldn’t want to stand in the way of that, would you?
14. Dressing up demands as questions.
Instead of directly communicating their preferences or desires, they’ll use questions to guide you toward the response they want to get. They’ll say things like, “Wouldn’t you rather stay in with me so we can work on nurturing our relationship?” or “Isn’t it time we moved in together or bought a house, or you stopped hanging out so much with that friend?” This way, it feels like you’re the one making all the choices, yet somehow you keep losing more and more of yourself, your time, your people, and your ambitions.
15. Pretending not to understand issues.
Does your partner regularly act like they’re not aware of the meaning or consequences of their words and actions? For example, they may pretend not to know that you’d be upset that they’ve been hanging out with the ex they once cheated on you with. This feigned ignorance allows them to subtly control situations and escape taking responsibility for their behavior.
