We’ve all heard the stereotypes about the overbearing, interfering mother-in-law, but toxicity comes in many subtle forms.
It’s not always about dramatic outbursts or passive-aggressive comments. Sometimes, it’s the seemingly harmless phrases that can chip away at a relationship and create a toxic atmosphere. So, if you find yourself uttering any of these phrases, it might be time for some self-reflection.
1. “I just want what’s best for you.”
While this might sound like a caring statement, it often masks a desire to control or manipulate, Business Insider notes. It implies that you know better than your child’s partner what’s good for them, disregarding their own agency and autonomy. True love and support involve respecting their choices and offering guidance without judgment.
2. “When I raised [child’s name], I did it this way.”
Comparing your child-rearing methods to those of their partner can create feelings of inadequacy and resentment. It’s important to remember that every parent has their own unique style, and what worked for you might not work for them. Offering unsolicited advice or criticism can undermine their confidence and strain your relationship with them.
3. “You should really listen to me; I’ve been through this before.”
Experience is valuable, but it doesn’t automatically make you an expert on every aspect of your child’s life. Dismissing their experiences and opinions as irrelevant because you’ve “been there, done that” can be patronizing and dismissive. It’s important to listen to their perspective and offer support without imposing your own beliefs or experiences onto them.
4. “We always did it this way in our family.”
Traditions and family customs can be meaningful, but they shouldn’t be used to dictate how your child’s family should operate. Every family is unique, and it’s important to respect their traditions and choices, even if they differ from your own. Trying to impose your family’s way of doing things can create conflict and resentment.
5. “Are you sure that’s the best decision for [child’s name]?”
While expressing concern for your grandchild is natural, constantly questioning your child’s parenting decisions can undermine their confidence and create tension. It’s important to trust their judgment and offer support without second-guessing their every move. Remember, they are the parents, and they have the ultimate responsibility for their child’s well-being.
6. “I never said that!” (When you clearly did.)
Denying or gaslighting your child’s partner about something you said or did can be extremely damaging to trust and communication. It can make them feel like they’re going crazy and that their experiences and feelings are invalid. Owning up to your mistakes and apologizing when necessary is essential for building healthy relationships.
7. “You’re so lucky to have [child’s name] in your life.”
While it’s true that your child is a wonderful person, implying that their partner is somehow “lucky” to have them can be demeaning and insulting. It suggests that your child is superior and that their partner is somehow undeserving of their love and affection. This kind of language can create resentment and strain the relationship.
8. “[Child’s name] was always so much happier before they met you.”
Blaming your child’s partner for their problems or unhappiness is unfair and unproductive. It’s important to remember that every relationship has its ups and downs, and it’s not always one person’s fault. Instead of placing blame, try to be supportive and understanding of both your child and their partner. Encourage open communication and offer help if needed.
9. “I’m just joking!” (After a hurtful comment.)
Humor can be a great way to bond, but if your jokes consistently come at the expense of your child’s partner, it’s not funny. Disguising hurtful comments as jokes doesn’t make them any less hurtful, Psychology Today points out. It’s important to be mindful of your words and consider how they might affect other people. If you accidentally say something hurtful, apologize sincerely instead of dismissing their feelings.
10. “You’re so young; you’ll understand when you’re older.”
Age doesn’t always equate to wisdom or experience. Dismissing your child’s partner’s feelings or opinions because of their age can be disrespectful and patronizing. Everyone deserves to be heard and taken seriously, regardless of their age. Instead of making assumptions based on their age, try to understand their perspective and validate their feelings.
11. “I know you’re busy, but…”
This phrase often precedes a request or demand that disregards your child’s partner’s time and priorities. It’s a subtle way of guilt-tripping them into doing something they might not have time for or want to do. Respect their schedule and commitments, and offer your help genuinely without making them feel obligated to accept it.
12. “I just want to spend more time with my grandchildren.”
While wanting to be involved in your grandchildren’s lives is understandable, it’s important to respect your child’s and their partner’s boundaries. Bombarding them with requests for visits or demanding unlimited access to your grandchildren can be overwhelming and intrusive. Instead, communicate your desires openly and respectfully, and work together to find a schedule that works for everyone.
13. “Don’t you think you should be doing more around the house?”
Criticizing your child’s partner’s household contributions can create resentment and tension. It’s important to remember that every couple has their own way of dividing chores and responsibilities. Offering unsolicited advice or judgment about their domestic arrangements can be intrusive and disrespectful. Focus on being supportive and helpful rather than critical.
14. “Have you thought about [insert unsolicited advice]?”
Unsolicited advice, even when well-intentioned, can often feel like criticism or judgment. It’s important to respect your child’s partner’s autonomy and trust their decision-making abilities. If they ask for your advice, offer it freely. But if they don’t, respect their right to make their own choices and learn from their own experiences.
15. “My [child’s name] never used to do that before they met you.”
This phrase implies that your child’s partner is somehow responsible for their negative behavior or habits. It’s a way of shifting blame and creating division between your child and their partner. Instead of focusing on the negative, try to celebrate the positive aspects of their relationship and support them as a couple.
16. “I’m not trying to interfere, but…”
This phrase often precedes a comment or suggestion that is, in fact, interfering. It’s a way of trying to avoid responsibility for your meddling behavior, Psychology Today points out. If you genuinely don’t want to interfere, respect their boundaries and refrain from offering unsolicited advice or opinions. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on trust and respect, not interference and control.
