Breakups are one of the hardest experiences for a person to go through.
Yes, they are great opportunities for learning, growth, and change, but also… they hurt. A lot. When you’re feeling a ton of strong emotions after a breakup, it can be hard to think straight. You might do things that you later regret. To help keep your dignity and help you heal, avoid doing the things on this list.
A caveat: No breakup advice is one-size-fits-all. These are some general things that are best to avoid, but doing them doesn’t instantly mean you have lost dignity or acted wrongly. In the end, you should heal in the ways that feel best for you.
1. Don’t contact your ex right away.
Sure, you might talk later down the road. There might be possessions to return or questions that need answered. But right after a breakup, emotions are high, and this leads to more tension and rash decisions. Give yourself at least a week before contacting them, and longer if it feels good. In fact, you don’t have to contact them at all if you don’t want to. Find other ways to get that contact if you need; friends, a journal, even texting yourself.
2. Don’t self-sabotage.
It’s natural to stumble and feel bad after an important relationship ends. What you don’t want to do is make yourself feel worse just to wallow in the sadness. Don’t pass up valuable work opportunities, and don’t let go of friendships that are significant to you. If you keep setting yourself up for success, you’ll create an environment where you can heal more easily.
3. Don’t try to force a friendship.
Yes, you can become friends after a breakup, Vox notes — I’ve done it more than once. But it’s a very difficult process, and it tends to be the exception, not the norm. Ask yourself why you want a friendship with them. Was there already a strong friendship within your relationship, and you think you could continue that without further harm? Then give it some time and figure out how to make that work. Don’t force a friendship when you really want a different type of relationship with them.
4. Don’t put your life on hold.
There’s going to be a period of pause after a breakup. A week, maybe two if it was a messy situation. During this time, cry your heart out, watch all the sad movies, do the silly things that help get the sadness out. As you heal, you can continue to do these things, but you don’t want to do them at the expense of the rest of your life. Taking more time off work, quitting your job, or stopping your hobbies will delay your healing in the long run. You’re still a whole person, and keeping yourself grounded in your life will likely help.
5. Don’t isolate yourself.
Some people prefer to mull over their emotions in private, while others relish most in the comfort of friends. Wherever you fall on that spectrum, you need at least some social time to stay happy and healthy. Withdrawing into yourself and distancing from your friends for long periods of time will make it harder to move on. The more you’re with other people, the more they can build you up and help you figure out what to do next.
6. Don’t stalk their social media.
You feel an almost insatiable curiosity after a breakup. Your ex mattered a lot to you, and you want to know what’s going on in their life. But each social media post you see is a trigger that will remind you of all the things you miss. Plus, it might cause moments of anger or despair. You can unfollow your ex, or perhaps just hide/restrict their account so you don’t see their posts for now.
7. Don’t spread rumors or gossip.
If your ex did something that really hurt you, by all means you should share that with people you care about. You don’t want to make up things about them, or re-open old arguments that were resolved. Keeping your dignity means acting as the “bigger person”, even when that’s really hard to do. Spreading rumors might make other people trust you less.
8. Don’t seek out rebounds.
After a breakup, there’s a lot you’ll be missing. Things you were used to that are suddenly gone. It’s natural to want to fulfill those needs and wants with someone else. But seeking a rebound, whether for a relationship or just a one-night stand, isn’t going to make you feel better. It often causes more feelings of shame and guilt.
9. Don’t contact them when drunk.
It’s no secret that we don’t always say things we mean after drinking. One guaranteed way to damage your dignity is sending a drunk text, begging them to come back or ranting to them about how bad of a person they are, The Guardian notes. If you have words you feel like you really need to get out, write them down somewhere. You can come back to them when you’re sober, and if you still feel like something needs to be said, you can determine how to do that in a dignified way.
10. Don’t ask mutual friends about them.
This is similar to stalking their social media accounts. Getting updates from friends will trigger all that hurt and loss. Plus, the mutual friend might tell your ex that you asked about them. This could build up a false hope in your mind of things repairing themselves, when really, it’s best to focus on moving on. You’d rather find ways to keep those mutual friends around. You especially don’t want details if they find a new partner because you don’t need the shame that comes with comparing yourself to someone else.
11. Don’t rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Things like alcohol and excessive exercise can feel cathartic. When done too frequently, though, these behaviors end up being harmful to you. They may help you move on at times, but they shouldn’t be the only tools under your belt. Look into more nurturing options like journaling, talking to friends, and even professional counseling.
12. Don’t take it out on your friends.
Chances are, your friends weren’t directly involved in the breakup. Getting angry with them, or using them as an outlet for your emotions about your ex, will damage those friendships and undermine your dignity. It’s great to lean on friends, but it isn’t fair to them to cause more harm. If you need to, you can find other ways to vent your anger, like through martial arts, video games, or meditation.
13. Don’t keep things ambiguous or open.
Breakups often feel sudden and shocking. You might not have time to figure out what you want to say, ask, do. But it’s very helpful to have some clarity. If you’re going to talk again, say exactly when that will be. If you have each other’s stuff, decide when you will return that, or when you’ll figure it out. Being stuck in a place of ambiguity can really bug you, and it builds up more anxiety, making it harder for you to move on.
14. Don’t listen to shared playlists.
Or look at shared photo albums, or poems you wrote for each other… anything of that ilk. It’s only going to remind you of all your heartbreak and sorrow. For the first week or so, it makes sense to sit with that. After that, you need to leave these things behind so you don’t stay stuck on them. If you want to, delete them, throw them out, or hide them away somewhere, so you aren’t as tempted.
15. Don’t pretend you’re ok when you aren’t.
Toughing it out isn’t going to help you in the long run. And continuing to pretend to be fine when you aren’t might lead to tension with people you care about. It’s ok to not be ok. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends or family how you’re struggling. Ask them for help, and take their support if they offer it. They can’t fix things for you, but they can make it so you don’t have to go through this alone.
