Although upbringing isn’t destiny, it greatly influences how you think and act and the way you generally turn out. For people raised in homes that were characterized by conflict, neglect, addiction, instability, abuse, or other negative behaviors, the physical and psychological impact can be devastating. However, it may be hard to draw a line between family dysfunction and normal family troubles. To provide some clarity, I’m going to share 15 signs that may suggest you grew up in a dysfunctional family. If these sound familiar, you’ve got some work to do if you want to break the cycle and address how your history has shaped you.
1. You don’t know how to handle conflict.
When a disagreement arises, your first instinct is to withdraw or flee, not stay and resolve the issue calmly like a well-adjusted adult. This is probably because you grew up with parents who withdrew affection, became unresponsive, or went into a rage whenever any problem arose. So you don’t have a good model for how to manage conflicts.
2. Your household was a rollercoaster.
You never knew what to expect from one day to the next with your parents. One moment things could be going great, and the next second the house would turn into a war zone with landmines going off everywhere. You had to be extra careful to not do anything that would trigger one or both of your parents. The only predictable thing was the possibility of chaos.
3. You’re your harshest critic.
Maybe you had parents who pushed you too hard, treated your successes like their own, and made a huge celebration of your achievements. Or maybe your parents criticized you at every turn and made you feel like none of your efforts were ever good enough. Either way, it can warp your sense of self, turning you into a perfectionist or someone who second-guesses and beats themselves up over everything, Business Insider reveals.
4. Uncertainty terrifies you.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family can affect how you approach change and potentially risky situations. You overthink taking that new job because it’d involve moving out of state. You’re reluctant to go back to school, switch careers, start a business, or step out of your comfort zone because you can’t trust that people will be there to give you a softer landing if you fall. You know you can’t count on your family for support, so you avoid needing it.
5. You have a hard time regulating emotions.
When you got angry or sad growing up, your parents would threaten to give you something to cry about. When you tried to share your feelings with them, you’d get shut down or ridiculed, instead of being given a safe space to explore what was going on inside. Now, you struggle with identifying the emotions you feel, expressing them, or processing them in a normal way.
6. You struggle to form close attachments to people.
Coming from a dysfunctional family can thwart your view of intimate relationships, causing you to associate them with pain, abandonment, rejection, betrayal, and more. As a result, you may find it hard to get close to other people because you’re afraid they’ll hurt you too. You may find yourself pushing people away, avoiding vulnerability, or sabotaging relationships as a way of protecting yourself from that outcome.
7. You harbor resentment towards family members.
Trauma and repressed emotions from growing up in a dysfunctional family often present as resentment. It creates a situation where you don’t enjoy being around all or certain members of your family. Doing anything for them feels like a chore. You feel like you can’t have a close relationship with them because you’re still carrying a lot of anger about the way you were treated or the things you witnessed growing up.
8. You have trouble communicating.
One prevalent characteristic of dysfunctional families is a lack of communication. Members are prevented or discouraged from talking about how they’re feeling because it can upset the balance of things. As a result, you may have grown into an adult who is unable to express your needs or emotions. Instead, you resort to toxic behaviors like silent treatment, shouting, and malice when faced with conflicts.
9. You feel guilty for other people’s emotions.
When your friend, colleague, or lover is upset, you assume it’s because of something you did. When you say no to someone or stand up for yourself, you feel guilty about it, especially when they’re visibly disappointed or angry. If something wrong happens, you automatically apologize or blame yourself even though it wasn’t your fault. If this resonates with you, it might be a sign that you were raised in a dysfunctional home.
10. You’re constantly forced to be the bigger person.
People in your family act like kids and respond to issues in astoundingly immature ways, prompting you to be the voice of reason. You have to be the one to apologize, ignore red flags, and let things go just to keep the peace and maintain the relationship. You feel like if you stopped trying to hold it all together, it’d all come crashing down.
11. You assume responsibility for caring for others.
You believe that it’s your job to fix people’s feelings and make them happy, even if it’s to your detriment. If their mood changes, yours changes too. You feel as though you can’t function normally until their world or the relationship is back in order once again, and you take it upon yourself to make that happen. Never mind that the situation has nothing to do with you.
12. True feelings are never welcomed.
As long as you’re holding your tongue and swallowing your emotions, you get along with your family just fine. But the moment you try to voice any negative feelings or hold contrasting opinions, everyone acts like you shot the pope. They take offense, launch a barrage of guilt trips, and become downright nasty toward you. Dysfunctional families are famously unable to tolerate dissent or criticism.
13. Your emotional awareness is off the charts.
You can always tell when someone’s mood changes a little bit, even when they don’t show any outward signs. When you’re around people, rather than relaxing, you spend your time reading the room and looking for signs of trouble. Hypervigilance can be a sign of a chaotic family life; a survival skill you evolved to help you identify and respond to the temperamental nature of your household.
14. You make yourself into a victim.
When you need help or reassurance, you don’t come right out and ask for it. You try to get it by auditioning for sympathy. By getting on your knees and begging for it, or threatening to harm yourself if they don’t give you what you want. You make yourself appear as pitiable as possible to guilt people into acquiescing to your needs. This may be a byproduct of your dysfunctional family dynamics, where you learned that manipulation was the only way to get your needs met without being humiliated for asking.
15. Family members make you feel like owe them something.
They tell you that they gave you life and sacrificed a career or opportunities for your sake. They remind you of the times they protected you and cared for you, even when it cost them something. They tell you to be grateful that they gave you shelter and warm clothes and sent you to private schools. They remind you to be glad you have a family at all because many people don’t even get that.
