Apologizing is an art form, and like any art, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. If you’re genuinely looking for forgiveness, certain phrases can sabotage your efforts. Here are 15 things you should never say in an apology if you actually want forgiveness.
1. “It happened so long ago.”
Time doesn’t automatically heal all wounds, and it certainly doesn’t absolve you of responsibility. This phrase dismisses the other person’s feelings and suggests they should be “over it” by now. It’s like saying, “Sorry I broke your arm last year, but it’s healed now, so why are you still upset?” Everyone processes hurt differently, and there’s no expiration date on apologizing for past mistakes.
2. “You’re always so dramatic.”
This is a form of gaslighting that makes the other person question the validity of their feelings. It’s like accidentally deleting someone’s important file and then calling them dramatic for being upset about it. A sincere apology acknowledges the other person’s feelings as valid, regardless of whether you think they’re proportionate to the situation.
3. “Fine, I’m sorry. Is that what you want to hear?”
This is the verbal equivalent of an eye roll. It’s a performative apology that lacks any real remorse or understanding. This phrase suggests that you’re apologizing under duress, not because you genuinely feel you’ve done something wrong or care about the other person’s feelings.
4. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This classic non-apology is the equivalent of saying, “I’m not sorry for what I did, I’m just sorry you’re upset about it.” It shifts the blame onto the other person’s feelings rather than taking responsibility for your actions. You’re not acknowledging any wrongdoing on your part, just their reaction to it.
5. “I guess I’m just a terrible person.”
This is emotional manipulation disguised as self-deprecation. It shifts the focus from the person you hurt to your own feelings, often making the other person feel obligated to comfort you. A genuine apology focuses on the other person’s feelings, not your own self-esteem issues.
6.”I’ve had a really hard day/week/life.”
While context can be important, using your personal struggles as an excuse for bad behavior isn’t okay. It’s like saying, “Sorry I yelled at you, but I stubbed my toe this morning, so you should understand.” Everyone has challenges, but they don’t give us a free pass to mistreat others.
7. “You’ve done worse to me.”
Apologies are not the time for scorekeeping or bringing up past grievances. This phrase turns an apology into a competition of who’s wronged whom more. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and bringing up the other person’s past mistakes only creates more conflict.
8. “I’m sorry, okay? Are you happy now?”
This sarcastic, exasperated apology is worse than no apology at all. It suggests that you’re only apologizing to appease the other person, not because you’re genuinely remorseful. A sincere apology should never be followed by “Are you happy now?”
9. “If I offended you, I’m sorry.”
This is the wishy-washy cousin of “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It suggests that the offense is uncertain or that the other person is being overly sensitive. If you know you’ve done something to upset someone, own it. Don’t place the burden on them to justify their hurt feelings.
10. “I’m sorry, but…”
Ah, the infamous “but.” It’s amazing how three little letters can negate everything that came before them. When you say “I’m sorry, but…” what you’re really saying is, “I’m about to give you a reason why I’m not actually sorry at all.” Any explanation or justification should come separately from the apology itself. Otherwise, you’re not apologizing, you’re defending yourself.
11. “I’ve said I’m sorry, what more do you want?”
Forgiveness isn’t a vending machine where you insert an apology and automatically get absolution in return. This phrase suggests that you’re more interested in being forgiven than in actually making amends. It’s like doing a half-hearted job on a group project and then getting annoyed when your teammates aren’t impressed. Real apologies come with patience and a willingness to make things right.
12. “Let’s just forget about it.”
While moving forward is the ultimate goal, trying to rush the process rarely works. This phrase can make the other person feel like their feelings are being swept under the rug. Healing takes time, and a sincere apology acknowledges that.
13. “I didn’t mean to.”
While intentions do matter, they don’t negate the impact of your actions. This phrase focuses solely on your intentions while ignoring the consequences. A better approach is to acknowledge both your intentions and the impact: “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I understand that my actions had that effect.”
14. “You made me do it.”
This is blame-shifting at its worst. Unless the other person physically controlled your body, you made your own choices. This phrase is like saying, “The devil made me do it,” but instead of the devil, it’s the person you’re supposed to be apologizing to. Take responsibility for your actions.
15. “I’m sorry you misunderstood.”
This sneaky phrase places the blame on the other person’s comprehension rather than your actions or words. Communication is a two-way street, and if there was a misunderstanding, you played a part in it. A better approach is to say, “I’m sorry I wasn’t clear” or “I’m sorry for the confusion I caused.”
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