Many things can give rise to resentment in marriage. Sometimes, you may not even know that you’re harboring resentment toward your spouse until your marriage is on life support. This is because resentment can take many forms like irritation, boredom, indifference, anger, shame, or jealousy. If left unchecked, these negative feelings continue to grow and fester until it pushes you and your spouse apart. So how do you stop resentment from consuming your marriage or deal with resentment that’s already built up? Below are 15 strategies that can help.
1. Don’t let hurt fester.
When you address conflicts and issues as they arise, instead of sweeping them under the carpet and hoping they go away on their own, there’s little chance of bad blood accumulating over time. You won’t always be happy or on the same page with your spouse, but you don’t have to bottle up your feelings. Have that argument. Give your spouse a chance to tell their side of the story and fix things sooner rather than later.
2. Figure out your feelings and needs.
The best way to stop resentment from piling up and strangling your marriage is to process your emotions, per Healthline. Identify the actions of your spouse that make you sad, angry, or disappointed. Determine if they’re things that you can resolve amicably or things that are beyond your control. Write down all the things you need from your partner, so you can communicate your desires to them.
3. Have a conversation with your partner.
After sorting through your needs and emotions, and pinpointing the source of any resentment you may be feeling, you can’t just keep them to yourself or expect your partner to read your kind. You need to discuss them with your spouse. Let your partner know how their actions or inactions affect you. Make your displeasure known and express your wishes and boundaries in a constructive way.
4. Keep the spark alive.
We tend to think that resentment only arises from big issues and feelings like anger and frustration, but it can also creep in when there’s boredom and indifference. When you’ve been married for a while, it’s easy to fall into a rut and forget to keep the emotional intimacy alive. Luckily, you can combat this by finding shared interests, being intentional about spending quality time together, and surprising each other with romantic gestures and gifts.
5. Ensure your expectations are reasonable.
Resentment often stems from having unrealistic expectations. Perhaps you went into marriage thinking your spouse would get you flowers every week, do their fair share of the domestic chores, or have the same financial habits that you do. It can be disappointing when your spouse doesn’t meet these expectations. You can save your marriage a load of stress by accepting that your spouse probably won’t tick all of your boxes. But if you both truly care about each other, you’ll meet in the middle.
6. Focus on the positives.
A good way to counteract the buildup of resentment in your marriage is to keep reminding yourself of the reasons you love your partner even when you don’t like them. Yes, they’ve made mistakes and things may be rough right now, but instead of focusing on the negatives, think of your partner’s best qualities, the beautiful memories you’ve shared, and all the great things about your marriage.
7. Ditch the scorecard.
Avoid constantly bringing up past offenses when quarreling with your spouse or when they confront you about something you’ve done or failed to do. Don’t keep a running list of everything your spouse does wrong, so you can use it against them later. Indulging in score keeping can cause resentment to take root in your marriage. Fight fairly and with a willingness to understand and compromise. And once an issue is resolved, let it be.
8. Confide in someone you trust.
It’s important to have people in your corner who care deeply about you. This way, you’re not left with only your spouse to count on for emotional support, which can take some of the pressure off your relationship and keep resentment at bay. Having people you can talk with when you’re having conflicts with your spouse can help you de-stress and gain a better perspective of the issues or your feelings before addressing them with your spouse.
9. Prioritize physical intimacy.
Merely hugging, holding hands, or touching your spouse can release feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, which not only calms your nervous system but boosts emotional connection. Making it a habit to have sex regularly and touch your partner affectionately even when you’re fighting can go a long way in minimizing feelings of resentment.
10. Express gratitude and appreciation.
At the beginning of a relationship, you’re usually filled with a sense of awe when you see or think of your partner. You’re conscious of all the big and little ways they improve your life. You can’t believe your luck that you’re with them and you never get tired of praising them for being wonderful. But after a few years together, you can become accustomed to these things and start taking them for granted. Don’t. Make it a habit to appreciate your partner and let them know how grateful you are for their efforts.
11. Be empathetic towards your spouse.
Remember that your spouse is only human, so they’re bound to make mistakes. Sometimes, their actions, though hurtful, may have little to do with you. They may not even be aware of how their behavior is impacting you. This is not to say that you have to condone their missteps, but looking at the situation objectively and trying to understand where they’re coming from can allow you to chart a path towards forgiveness.
12. Apologize quickly and without blame.
When you take advantage of your partner, violate their boundaries, fail to meet their needs, or betray them in some way, it can cause cracks to appear in your marriage. The good news is that you can repair the damage by taking responsibility and offering a heartfelt apology without justifying or excusing your actions, Harvard Medical School explains. This will soften the impact of your transgressions and allow you both to move on.
13. Commit to practicing forgiveness.
Holding a grudge can feel convenient or even deserved at times, but try to remember that you and your spouse are on the same team even when they wrong you. Have your feelings about the circumstances. Take as much time as you need to work through the pain. But if you want to salvage your marriage and keep it healthy and free of resentment, forgiveness has to follow eventually.
14. Check in with your spouse regularly.
Think of your marriage as a job or a business. You wouldn’t let someone work for you for years without reviewing their performance and goals. Nor would you run a business without auditing its financials, overall health, potential risks, and other factors from time to time. Having regular relationship check-ins will allow you and your spouse to keep a finger on the pulse of your marriage and identify where improvements can be made to increase trust, satisfaction, and happiness.
15. Try couples’ counseling.
If you and your partner are experiencing conflicts that are challenging or seemingly impossible to manage on your own, consider going to couples therapy. With the help of a trained professional, you can get to the root of your issues and untangle the threads of resentment that are getting in the way of your marriage before they cause irrevocable damage.
