If you’re reading this article, let me just say, I’ve been there. It’s truly the worst. So just know that these words are written with all the empathy and compassion! Unrequited love is incredibly hard. Sometimes, we have to know when to call it. When to just move on. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary, and incredibly doable — especially with a little help! So, here’s how you finally take the leap and stop pursuing someone who doesn’t want you.
1. Minimize contact.
If they sit next to you in at work and you hot desk, consider moving seats. If they take their lunch break at 11:00, take yours at 12:00. Depending on how “down bad” you are, it may be worth switching a class, changing your route home, etc. Your heart space is worth drastic measures!
2. Stop the social media stalking.
Just stop. Unfollow, unfriend, whatever. Block them if you don’t trust your own self-control. But please just trust us when we say that stalking their socials is the absolute LEAST productive thing you could possibly do. Like, there is literally not one good thing that could come of it. You’re just hurting yourself, and we assume that — if you’re reading this post — you’re ready to stop that behavior.
3. Consider investing in a hobby.
This isn’t at all to suggest that you don’t have a life outside of pursuing this person. (Unless the shoe fits…) But your brain needs some new material. You need something besides a person who sparks your interest, something to invest in, something that’s just for you. You should especially consider creative hobbies that can give you the serotonin boosts you likely desperately need right now.
4. Focus on friendships.
How many nights out with friends have you skipped, just to conveniently bump into your love interest? How many conversations have you monopolized with chatter about the perfect blue of their eyes, or about how a spring wedding would definitely be the best? Maybe it’s time to learn what’s been going on with your friends these last few months. Invest in relationships with people who do want you, who stick with you, who keep on choosing you!
5. Focus on YOU!
When is the last time you actually ate the lunch you wanted, instead of planning to bump into them at the falafel food truck? You really, truly can’t stand falafel. So go to the taco truck tomorrow. Start picking outfits based on what you actually want to wear, rather than what you think they’d like. You’re a whole person, too, you know.
6. Make them human again.
It doesn’t matter how dreamy their eyes are. They will still, at some point, have diarrhea. In all seriousness, though, no matter how infatuated you are…they’re still just a person. No one is perfect, no matter what we make up in our heads. No one can have power over you that you don’t give. It’s time to take them down off the pedestal.
7. Imagine they never changed.
This has to be done after you’ve removed them from their pedestal. Once you’ve done that, hopefully you’re able to see some potential red flags you’d been ignoring. Now, imagine that these never went away. Imagine they did want you, but that they never sought help for their obvious anger issues. Think long term. That won’t end well.
8. Make a list of what you actually want.
It’s easy to say, “I just want them,” and believe that nothing else matters. But real life isn’t that simple. In reality, it’s not enough to just want a person. You have to know what you actually want for your life (and you have to remember that this is, in fact, your one shot at your life). Where do you want to live? What kind of lifestyle would you like to have? Your desires matter. Compromise is important, but not at this stage.
9. Open up your options.
I hate to come at you with “there are other fish in the sea”…but it’s a saying for a reason. Because it’s true. This is not the only person for you. In fact, for your own emotional health, assume that they just aren’t. Allow yourself to open up your options. Allow yourself to be open to the possibility of happiness with someone else! You may just have to be a bit more open-minded.
10. Ask for accountability.
This is where you’ll need those friends you’re refocusing on! Ask them for help. Have them block social media accounts, delete numbers, etc. Ask friends to stop you when you start pining. Stopping the pursuit of someone you want is hard. Don’t make it harder by going it alone!
11. Is this a pattern?
Hopefully, it isn’t. But it’s something worth considering. Do you have a pattern of pursuing people who don’t want you? That sounds harsh, but it could be a sign of some bigger mental health issues. You owe it to yourself to at least explore that. It can be made easier with the help of a licensed counselor, and you can find one in your area here.
12. Remind yourself of what you deserve.
You deserve someone who chooses you, over and over again. You deserve someone who plans their lunch break to “happen to run into” you three days out of the week. You don’t deserve to have your headspace — and heart space — occupied by someone who doesn’t care about being there. You’re worth far more than that.
13. Avoid romanticizing.
This is not a Nicholas Sparks novel. Please, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you’re just “star-crossed lovers.” Don’t sit by your window, pining like Bella Swan. As a romantic myself, I know how hard this is. 21st century reality definitely isn’t as satisfying as a good rom-com. But you’ll be better off if you just let things be. Just accept the reality without the romanticization.
14. Learn from the experience.
Everything can be a learning experience. Including this. Hopefully, you’ll let yourself learn from it, even if it’s hard. You can learn what kind of person you want to be with, identify toxic thought patterns, and learn what you actually want out of your life! Learn your own worth. Learn that you matter! Then take what you’ve learned and act accordingly!
15. Stay positive — your person is out there!
It may be hard to believe right now. That’s understandable. But your person is out there. As you’re going about your regular old days, they’re going about theirs. Just waiting on the stars to align, God to move, whatever it is you believe brings people together. And trust me, when your paths cross, you’ll forget the person who’s making you read this article. You’ll wonder why you ever spent a second pining after someone any less wonderful. Just be patient. They’re out there. Promise.
