If you can’t help a friend who’s asking you for a favor or you don’t want to accept their social invite, you might feel anxious about saying “no.”
To deal with the awkwardness, maybe you resort to explaining yourself so you appeal to the person’s sympathy or maintain their approval after rejecting them. This can backfire, though, making the situation more uncomfortable and causing you to come across as lacking confidence. It’s time to stop! Here are 15 ways to nip explaining yourself in the bud.
1. Know your values.
When you stay focused on your beliefs and values, this strengthens your resolve, making it easier to say “no” to people without having to explain yourself ad nauseam. For example, if you value your alone time, you’ll find it less stressful to tell someone that you’re focusing on yourself and therefore can’t attend their party, without feeling insecure or guilty about it. The more you reflect on what’s important to you, the easier you’ll back yourself instead of feeling like you have to explain yourself to everyone.
2. Set healthy boundaries.
Another effective way to stop explaining yourself is to set boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate. As Forbes explains, this ensures that you live in sync with your needs, instead of allowing others to walk all over them. Examples of boundaries in relationships include your right to privacy and personal space. Once people know your boundaries, you won’t have to explain your choices, which makes interactions much more pleasant and stress-free.
3. Celebrate your life choices.
When someone questions or belittles your choices, you might rush to justify them so you feel worthy. Don’t do that! Remembering what you’ve gained from your life experiences thus far can help you to feel confident and positive when confronted about them. And, when you’re more secure in your life choices, this makes you less likely to seek external validation.
4. Practice saying “no.”
To become more confident and stop explaining yourself to others who ask you for a favor, practice saying “no” to others. Start with saying “no” to small requests, as this will help you to build your self-esteem. When you’re more comfortable, you can move on to rejecting larger requests. The key to avoiding over-explaining is giving a simple, clear answer without details. For example, you could say, “No, I can’t make it to your party, but thanks for the invite.” Or, “No, I can’t help you with that project, but you should ask Ben instead.” Saying less is more!
5. Prepare responses ahead of time.
Sometimes it’s easy to fall into the trap of explaining yourself too much during conversation, which causes you to ramble or confuse people with your stories. To avoid this and stay calm during interactions, think of your responses to people ahead of time. You can also practice them in the mirror or to loved ones so that you become more confident with saying them. When you find yourself in a situation where you have to decline someone’s request, it’ll feel so much easier.
6. Seek like-minded people.
Spending time around people who share your values and priorities is a good way to avoid having to explain yourself all the time. They “get” what you’re about, which makes it easier for you to be yourself around them and say “no” to things that you can’t do. When others understand your needs and respect them, they’re more likely to not get offended by your choices. It makes it so much easier to express yourself.
7. Stay firm in your response.
If you’re not confident or you’re easily persuaded by others, this can make you explain yourself for no good reason. For example, if you say “no” to someone’s social invite, you might crumble when you see their disappointment, which could cause you to explain yourself by giving them an excuse. It’s unnecessary. Instead, repeat that you can’t make it while politely acknowledging the request to show respect and empathy, such as by saying, “I appreciate you asking me, but I’m unable to help.”
8. Become comfortable with silence.
One of the things that could make you feel uncomfortable during conversation is silence, and you might anxiously try to fill it by over-explaining yourself. For example, if the other person doesn’t say anything when you express that you’re dating someone they don’t approve of or when you say “no” to their request for a babysitter on Friday night. Instead of filling in the silence, excuse yourself from the situation or change the subject.
9. Stop allowing yourself to be guilt-tripped.
Guilt-tripping is when someone tries to manipulate you into doing what they want by making you feel bad for letting them down. Don’t fall for it! To deal with it, practice assertiveness by expressing your needs in a clear yet respectful way, Mayo Clinic advises. Using “I” statements helps you to convey your feelings without falling into their guilt trip. By maintaining your resolve, you create a brick wall that they can’t break down with guilt.
10. Wait for the other person to ask you questions.
If you struggle to feel confident about expressing your thoughts or needs without offering explanations for them, such as if they’re non-conformist, a good tip is to pause and wait for the other person to ask you follow-up questions about them. This prevents you from giving too many justifications right away, which the person might not even be interested in learning about anyway!
11. Focus on internal, instead of external, validation.
You might be over-explaining all the time because you crave other people’s approval too much. This can make you feel like you always have to impress them or make them understand and validate you. It’s exhausting, while zapping your confidence and causing you to think you have to earn their respect. The truth is, you don’t. When you start concentrating on giving yourself validation, such as with self-acceptance, you won’t have to jump through hoops. You can remain calm and confident because you know your self-worth.
12. Be honest.
Sometimes the best way to avoid explaining yourself to other people is to tell them the truth in a clear, direct way. It prevents you from rambling or giving too much away that’s not required. Examples of what you could say include, “I can’t accept your free samples because I’ll never use them” or “I’ll have to think about coming to your event, as I’m not sure if it’s right for me.” People will appreciate your honesty and assertiveness because you’re cutting out the BS!
13. Remember that you have a right to privacy.
You might be trying to explain yourself to others because you feel you have to. But you don’t! The thing to remember is that you don’t have to share things about yourself that are private, even to loved ones. It’s your business, no one else’s. So, if you feel put on the spot by someone who’s questioning your life choices or feelings, assert your need for privacy. For example, you could say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable talking about this right now.” That’s usually enough to end the conversation.
14. Ask yourself if you’re being insecure.
If you’re dealing with insecurity, it can make you explain yourself when you don’t need to. Maybe you feel insecure about how you communicate, fearing that others will misunderstand you. Or, perhaps you feel anxious during social interactions, which makes you give people a lot of information. Understanding what’s at the root of your insecurity, such as social anxiety or fear of criticism, can help you to have more confidence and stop trying to justify yourself.
15. Break unhealthy communication habits.
In some cases, over-explaining yourself or justifying your choices can occur because you’re so used to communicating in this way. Maybe you’re someone who has a detailed communication style. Instead of being thorough, this habit can make you seem shifty or nervous. To break the habit, pause for a moment before expressing your explanations. This gives you time to consider if what you’re about to say is really necessary. It can also help you to get feedback from friends you trust about how you communicate, who’ll let you know if you’re giving way too much information during interactions.
