One of the biggest red flags that you’re dealing with a narcissist is when they love-bomb you with tons of praise and affection to make you fall for them.
But, you can actually tell that they’re going to undermine and control you long before that happens, right from your first date. Here are 15 early signs that you’re dealing with a narcissist so you don’t get caught in their web of manipulation.
1. They love talking about themselves.
When you start chatting to a narcissist, you’ll quickly notice that they love dominating conversations, CNBC notes. They’ll dazzle you with funny stories about their childhood or friends, or confide in you about their problems. All of this might make you feel like they’re interested in connecting with you, but they never give you a chance to open up about your life. They’re only interested in themselves.
2. They need your praise.
Instead of charming you the second they meet you, a narcissist might seem desperate for your attention. For example, they’ll fish for compliments from you by making self-deprecating comments. Or, they’ll ask you if you’re enjoying time with them to boost their ego. Narcissists crave being the center of attention because it makes them feel validated, so they’re going to try to get you to shower them with praise right off the bat.
3. They stare at you as though you’re the only person in the room.
When you first see a narcissist, such as at a party or event, you might notice that they can’t seem to tear their eyes away from you. Yes, it feels romantic and flattering, but it’s also scary. Instead of being a sign that they find you attractive, it’s a subtle display of their obsessive tendencies. If you take the bait, such as by talking to them or agreeing to let them buy you a drink, they’ll move onto the next phase: charming the pants off you.
4. They assume others are envious of them.
Whether via text or on a first date, notice how the narcissist speaks about other people in their lives. Since they have low self-esteem, which they try to hide by appearing superior, they’ll try to build themselves up by talking about how everyone wants to be them. For example, they’ll tell you their mate copies their impeccable style or their co-workers are jealous of their promotions.
5. They’re the life of the party.
A narcissist craves attention, not just from the person they’re dating but from everyone. When you first get to know them, they’ll invite you to the hottest parties and social events so that they can show off in front of you. They want you to see them as the most fun person in the room so that you’re impressed. The quicker that happens, the faster they can start love-bombing you.
6. They trash-talk their exes.
Although it’s common for many people to speak negatively about their exes (which reflects negatively on themselves, of course), a narcissist will do this to maintain their grandiose sense of self. They’ll put down their exes, calling them needy, clingy, or unreasonable, while using this trash-talk as an opportunity to highlight how amazing they were in their previous relationships. They’ll use any opportunity to portray themselves as being perfect.
7. They want to rush you into dating them.
Narcissists want to lock you into a relationship with them as soon as possible so that they can control you. So, early on, they’ll make it clear that they want to date you and be exclusive. This should be a red flag instead of feeling like flattery because they don’t even know you. You should be suspicious of their need to rush. If you’ve only been on one date with them, and they’re already telling you that they want to change their relationship status on social media, run!
8. They mention that you’re better than other men or women.
Before a narcissist love-bombs you with tons of charm, they might make subtle comments that you’re better than other people they’ve known. But, these aren’t actually compliments. For example, the narcissist might say, “Other women couldn’t handle me, but you’re different” or “Other men don’t understand me, but I feel like you get me.” This is a manipulative way to compliment you while putting down others, and make you think that you’d be a great match for them. If you show them that you’re flattered by their comments, it’s a green light for them to intensify their charm.
9. They don’t ask you follow-up questions.
Although narcissists want to talk about themselves because they love the sound of their own voice, they don’t give you a chance to steal the spotlight — ever. While they might ask you questions, such as about your day or career, they’ll quickly turn the conversation back onto themselves instead of asking you further questions. They’re not looking to connect with you. They just want to do the bare minimum to make you think they’re interested.
10. They lose their temper on the first date.
Although a narcissist will want to seem perfect, they lack emotional regulation to control their feelings. So, if something upsets them on a first date, they’ll blow up. It might be that they don’t like the food the waitstaff has brought them or they’re peeved about someone stealing their parking spot. They might react to this by becoming irritable or impatient. It’s a red flag that you’re dealing with someone who’s unpredictable.
11. They get annoyed when you check your phone once.
Staring at your phone during dates is always a no-no, but sometimes it’s not possible to completely ignore your phone, right? A narcissist will notice when you glance at your phone once during a work-day lunch date and make a comment about how you’re not paying attention to them or look like you’d rather be elsewhere. This is a red flag that displays their desperate need to be the center of attention all the time.
12. They take you to a date location where everyone knows them.
It’s common for a narcissist to take you out on dates in places where everyone knows them. They do this to impress you with how popular they are. So, they might take you out for dinner at an Italian restaurant where the staff praises them or comes over to say hi. They want you to think they’re amazing and loved by many people because they’re so concerned with their public image.
13. They feel entitled.
Before trying to charm you, a narcissist will sometimes display their strong sense of entitlement. They believe they deserve the best of everything, so you’ll see how they mention the brand names they’re wearing or the new car they’ve purchased. They’ll take you to a five-star restaurant and brag about it. They want to show off and come across as though they’re living a life of luxury, which is all done to make you think they’re superior.
14. They copy your interests and passions.
When you start getting to know a narcissist on dates, they’ll make you think that they’re on the same page as you. For example, when you say you love astrology or stand-up comedy, they’ll say, “Me too!” Or, if you talk about wanting to start your own business, they’ll tell you about their start-up journey. They do this to make you think that you’re a great match, so you’ll be more drawn to them.
15. They give you sob stories.
You can tell that you’re dating a narcissist if they try to play the victim before or during a first date. They might tell you how they always get their heart broken or they’ve been burned by exes in the past, in an attempt to make you feel like they’re vulnerable and gentle. Meanwhile, this is their way of seeing how much they can control you by gaining your sympathy.
