Disagreeing in a respectful manner can be difficult, for sure. It can take years to learn. (This post is written by a former 15-year-old who once ended an argument by throwing a soda bottle at a cousin’s head.) But it is doable, and it is so important! And we’re here to help! Here’s the scoop on how to disagree (without disrespecting).
1. Consider their lived experiences.
We all believe what we believe for a reason. You, too. So look at the person in front of you and consider: how did they grow up? What did their parents believe? Did something traumatic happen in their past? Believe it or not, people (mostly) don’t believe what they do solely to aggravate others.
2. Attempt empathy.
Go further than just understanding why they believe what they do. Try to put yourself in their place. See them as complex, see their experiences and their beliefs as valid—even if you don’t agree. Agreement is not a prerequisite for empathy.
3. See them beyond the disagreement.
What is your relationship like outside of this conversation? If it is a positive relationship overall, this is especially important. Sure, they’re voting for a different gubernatorial candidate than you are. But when you had a baby last year, did they show up on your doorstep with food? When you were going through a personal crisis, did they send messages of encouragement? Keep the positive aspects of the relationship at the forefront of your mind.
4. Don’t consider it an “argument.”
Language matters. Even if it’s unspoken—if you go into the conversation already considering it an argument, then you go into it defensive and preemptively frustrated. This serves no one. And it increases your chances of disrespecting the other person astronomically. So just consider it a disagreement, at worst.
5. Keep yourself calm.
Don’t get angry. As a person with strong opinions and even stronger emotions, I get it. This can be difficult. But anger will get you nowhere. People don’t respond to anger. The other party will keep from seeing your point just on the principle of the thing (would you give polite consideration to someone who was yelling at you?) and you can potentially do great damage to the relationship.
6. Respect their expertise, but avoid elevating your own.
Don’t make it a competition. Acknowledge that, regardless of agreement, the other person might just know more about a subject than you do. That’s okay. It’s fine to concede, there. But if you’re the person who knows more, avoid touting your knowledge and holding it over their heads. That makes a person feel small, and that has no place in conversation between decent humans.
7. Find common ground.
Chances are, you have the same end game in mind. You want the same overall result. You just have different ideas on how to get there. Verbalize this. Acknowledge it! Even if you disagree with a person’s methodology, you can likely still put yourself on the same metaphorical “team.” Let them know that this disagreement doesn’t make you enemies!
8. Use “I” (not “you”) statements.
Use statements like “I feel,” or “I think.” Don’t say “you just,” or “you feel.” Because you likely don’t know enough about their feelings or motivations, regardless of how well you think you know them. Plus, “you” statements can quickly turn into attacking statements, which we want to avoid at all costs.
9. Avoid absolutes!
You know, words like “never” and “always.” Because rarely is anything ever never or always. (See? Even that isn’t an absolute!) Absolutes, in a disagreement, are emotional words. They don’t lend themselves to cooperation and respect. They’re best avoided entirely.
10. Listen to understand, not to respond.
When the person in front of you is explaining their point of view, you shouldn’t be building your argument in your head. That’s incredibly disrespectful. It shows the person that you don’t actually care about their point of view, but that you only care about winning. Listen to actually understand, to know them on a deeper level!
11. Educate, but don’t patronize.
Educating is, to an extent, fine. But patronizing is never fine. You never want to make a person feel stupid, or less than. Don’t ever act like what you say is something they should already know. You had to be educated once, too! And who knows? You might be educated in this conversation! Be open to it!
12. Don’t get personal.
It’s important to remember their lived experiences…but only to create empathy. Never to prove your point. At no time should you find yourself saying something like, “You only believe that because your mother…” This suggests that the other person is not capable of forming their own opinions, and attacks their character in a completely disrespectful way.
13. Remember that no one is completely right or wrong.
And that includes you. And the person in front of you. There’s a little bit of right and a little bit of wrong (not an equal mix, but still) in both arguments. If you find a little speck of right in their side, acknowledge it! Hopefully, they’ll do the same for you.
14. See them as a person, not an ideology.
This is especially important in arguments having to do with religion or politics. It’s easy to lump different ideologies into groups and forget that these “groups” are made up of individual, complex people. Remember that this person was once learning to tie their shoes, just like you. They have fears and hopes and dreams that matter, just like yours.
15. Know when to let it go.
Healthy communication is important. But sometimes, that means that a conversation is better left unvoiced. Sometimes, it just isn’t worth it. For an overall negative relationship, getting them to see your side likely isn’t going to improve things. The only thing you’ll likely accomplish is raising your own blood pressure. For a positive, healthy relationship, you have to let the person be more important than being right. And sometimes that means just letting it go.
