When your own child cuts you out of their life, it’s a level of pain most people can’t even fathom. There may be clear reasons and things to work through, or it might feel totally out of the blue. This isn’t about fixing the situation instantly (although hopefully that’s possible down the line). Right now, it’s about helping you survive this.
1. Acknowledge the pain — don’t minimize it.
People might say, “At least they’re alive,” or other platitudes that feel dismissive. This is a kind of loss, and it’s okay to grieve it! Bottling up those emotions makes them worse. Allowing yourself to cry, rage, feel the full force of it is step one towards healing, even if it feels unbearable, advises Dr. Rosie Ward.
2. Don’t let shame take hold.
Guilt’s normal – we all question past parenting choices. However, shame is toxic. There’s no “perfect parent.” Kids make their own decisions as adults, good and bad. This doesn’t erase all the ways you did show up for them. Focus on what you can control – your own healing, not going down a rabbit hole of self-blame.
3. It’s okay to take a break from trying to understand the “why.”
Your brain will obsess over this, especially at first. But sometimes, you just don’t have enough information yet to make sense of it. Giving yourself permission to put the detective work on hold can be a relief. Answers may come in time, or they might not – your well-being can’t be dependent on getting them.
4. Reach out to safe people for support.
Specifically, you want to talk to those who won’t judge, gossip, or pressure you to “fix” things fast. This might be a trusted friend, therapist, or an online support group. The key is feeling truly heard. Isolation amplifies the pain, while being witnessed by those who care can be a lifeline.
5. Take fierce care of your physical and mental health.
Grief is emotionally and physically exhausting. Force yourself to eat well, get some gentle exercise, and sleep as best you can. It’s not being selfish, it’s equipping yourself to navigate this. See your doctor if it feels unmanageable – medication or therapy can be life-changing short-term tools.
6. Seek out stories of reconciliation, as well as stories of people finding peace without it.
Hope is vital, but hearing only about parents and kids patching things up creates unrealistic expectations. Finding accounts of those who rebuilt happy lives, with or without their child back, allows you to envision a good future regardless of the outcome.
7. Create new rituals and sources of joy.
The ones tied to your child will be agonizing now. This isn’t about faking happiness, but finding any sparks of light. A new hobby, volunteering, a weekend trip — small things build momentum. Pain doesn’t go away, but you slowly create a life where it’s not the only thing.
8. Set boundaries, even from a distance.
You don’t have to tolerate abuse, even from your own child. Decide what you can live with – a card on holidays, no contact at all…and stick with it. It helps you reclaim some power. It might even send the message that there are consequences for their behavior, if reconciliation is your ultimate goal.
9. Reframe what “being a good parent” means to you.
Society bombards us with a narrow definition of success – close-knit families, etc. Your child’s rejection can shatter that. This is your chance to decide what matters. Maybe it’s how you showed up for other people in your life and the ways you contributed to the world. Expand the definition beyond this one relationship.
10. Beware of people trying to fill the void.
Well-meaning friends may say, “I’m like your daughter now!” In the depths of pain, it’s tempting to cling to this. However, you need space to grieve the unique bond with your own child, not have someone play-acting a replacement. Appreciate their support, but maintain emotional distance.
11. Find ways to channel your love that feel meaningful to you.
That nurturing energy has to go somewhere! Volunteering with kids, adopting a pet, mentoring — there are healthy outlets. This eases that ache a bit and shows your child that your love exists in the world, separate from the fractured relationship, which may impact them one day.
12. Be selective about what you share, and with whom.
Sadly, some people enjoy gossip disguised as “concern”. It’s okay to be vague by saying something like, “We’re going through a tough time.” Don’t put yourself in a position where you’re defending your parenting or your child to those who lack empathy. Protect your energy fiercely.
13. It’s okay if your feelings fluctuate wildly.
One day you’re okay, the next rage or despair hits. Healing isn’t linear. Allow for those shifts without judging yourself. Each time you survive a wave of pain, you get a little stronger. Focus on the long-term trajectory, not any single setback.
14. Be careful turning your pain into anger towards your child.
Anger feels easier to handle than grief sometimes, but it can become consuming, British Vogue warns. If they do reach out later, a heart full of rage makes reconciliation harder. It’s okay to feel anger, but don’t let it become the core of who you are in relation to them.
15. If there was abuse, acknowledge it and separate from their current rejection.
Don’t downplay past harm to make the present make sense. It’s possible to grieve the child you love and understand why cutting contact was their only path to survival. This complexity is brutal, but denying either reality hinders healing.
16. Focus on what you can control, even if it feels small.
Maybe it’s decluttering one drawer, finally learning to knit, or making a nice meal — anything that gives you back a tiny slice of agency. Estrangement can make you feel powerless. These acts build strength, reminding you that you’re capable of shaping your life.
17. Find ways to honor the good that did exist in the relationship.
It’s easy for the bad ending to taint everything, but there was likely joy, too, especially when they were younger. Hold on to those memories. It doesn’t negate the hurt, but humanizes your child. This keeps you from demonizing them, which might be necessary for your own peace.
18. This isn’t the end of your story.
In the worst moments, it feels that way, but there will be joy again, laughter, a sense of purpose. You might build a “chosen family” of friends, find love again, discover hidden talents…life, even one tinged with sorrow, is expansive. Hold on to that long view.
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