The best-case scenario when dealing with a narcissist is cutting them out of your life. Sadly, this isn’t always possible. If you’re raising a child with them, you’re going to have to deal with them to some extent for your child’s well-being. But you don’t have to let this overwhelm you or cause you tons of stress. Here are 15 ways to co-parent with a narcissist in a healthy way.
1. Get legal help if you need it.
One of the most important things to do as soon as possible is to seek legal counsel so you can draw up a co-parenting plan. This will determine how you’re going to handle various parenting tasks, such as visitation schedules and finances. It’s essential to have this plan in place so that when the narcissist tries to disrespect your boundaries, they won’t be able to control or manipulate you.
2. Avoid emotional arguments.
It’s to be expected that the narcissist will try to reel you into highly emotional and dramatic fights, Psych Central warns. Don’t fall into their trap because they’re trying to get under your skin and make you feel bad. Instead, set some rules regarding how you communicate, such as by choosing not to chat over the phone or in person and sticking to texting or emailing instead. This will give you a chance to think about your reply before blowing up and allowing yourself to be manipulated or controlled.
3. Keep a record of their toxic behavior.
When dealing with a narcissist, you might feel stressed because of their nasty or manipulative behavior. Try to get into the habit of keeping a record of all the things they do that are toxic and abusive. This will help you to feel more in control of the situation and have a plan in place should you need to take things further, such as to your lawyer. It’s especially important to document how they parent your child so that if anything feels like a red flag, you have a course of action.
4. Consult with a psychologist.
Seriously, dealing with a narcissist is stressful. You don’t have to do it alone. While it will help you to reach out to your loved ones for support, you should also consider booking sessions with a psychologist who’s experienced in narcissism. They’ll be able to guide you through difficult issues you’re experiencing with the narcissist and make the best choices in every situation for your child.
5. Stick to conversations about your kids.
It’s common for narcissists to fish for information about your life, such as your new relationship or career. They do this to maintain some control over you and possibly use information against you at a later stage. So, the best way to deal with this is to focus on solely talking to them about your children. If they try to talk about other topics, go back to parenting topics so you don’t give them access to your private life.
6. Set and stick to your boundaries.
You can’t navigate a co-parenting relationship with a narcissist if you don’t have boundaries. They’re going to push you to get their way, so you have to dig your heels in and stick to your rules no matter what. Examples of boundaries include not seeking validation or emotional support from the narcissist (which will just make you vulnerable to their manipulation), keeping your finances separate (so you don’t depend on them), and limiting contact during visits (so you don’t allow them to hurt you).
7. Be a good role model by not badmouthing your ex.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of speaking ill of your narcissistic ex in front of your children, especially if your ex does it to you, but this is toxic behavior. Remember that you need to be a positive role model for your children and lead by example. Even if the narcissist is bringing you down in front of your kids, focus on being respectful and kind because it’s healthier for your kids. They don’t need to be dragged into your issues or feel stressed out because of them.
8. Avoid getting support from the narcissist’s “flying monkeys.”
If you have mutual friends with the narcissist, be careful of “flying monkeys.” These are the friends the narcissist uses to get closer to you so they can keep tabs on your life and report back to the narcissist about all your dirty little secrets. To avoid getting into this manipulative situation, don’t trust people too easily and try to find support in other loved ones who aren’t connected to your narcissistic ex.
9. Try parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting is when you and the narcissist follow some of your own rules when your children are with you, instead of having the same approach on every issue. This can help you to better navigate issues on which the narcissist doesn’t want to compromise, protecting yourself from stress when they don’t fall in line. However, you have to ensure you’ve set some important ground rules, such as by ensuring stability and consistency for your child.
10. Try to remain detached.
When a narcissist sees that you’re not reacting to what they do to hurt you, they’ll intensify their efforts. They might try to argue with you on every little thing or gaslight you so you doubt yourself. Understand they’re doing this to feel in control of the situation, so stay calm and composed. Engage in meditation and other calming practices so you don’t let the narcissist get to you. It’s simply not worth it.
11. Stop having expectations for them.
You can’t trust the narcissist in your life because they’re always going to upset and frustrate you. It’s therefore essential to lower your expectations of them. They’re going to let you and your kid down, such as by telling you they can’t look after your child, even though they promised they would. Or, by not pitching up to your child’s birthday party and ruining the day. By reminding yourself that they’re flawed, and you can’t change them, you’ll better deal with the situation and be there to support your kids through the disappointments they experience.
12. Don’t react to every upsetting thing the narcissist does.
Narcissists are going to do things you don’t like, such as letting you down or going against your parenting rules to spite you. It’s not healthy to react to every little thing, as it just makes you stressed out and anxious. It doesn’t solve the issue. Instead of fighting about everything, try to ignore little things they say or do unless it’s something that could potentially harm your child. You have to do this for your own sanity!
13. Try the “broken record” technique.
The narcissist you’re co-parenting with will likely accuse you of things you haven’t done to make you feel bad and gaslight you. Your knee-jerk reaction might be to defend yourself, especially if they’re attacking your parenting methods. Instead of getting into a negative spiral, try the “broken record” technique. This is when you repeat the same phrase during conversation without giving them the satisfaction of a fight, such as “That’s not true” or “I know my truth.” These statements will give them no leeway to argue with you, making them back off.
14. Set up a supportive group of friends.
Dealing with a narcissist on a regular basis is frustrating and depressing. Having a supportive group of friends who are also parents is a game-changer. It will help you to gain perspective on the issues you’re dealing with and learn from your friend’s experiences. They’ll also be there to remind you of your worth, which the narcissist is dead-set on destroying to make themselves feel better.
15. Talk to your child about their narcissistic parent.
Although you don’t want to attack the narcissist in front of your children, it’s helpful for your kids to understand what their parent’s truly like because as they grow they’ll be confused about the narcissist’s behavior. If they mention something upsetting their parent has done, validate their feelings, such as by saying, “It’s okay to feel upset. Your feelings are important.” Explain that they’re dealing with issues that have nothing to do with them, so they don’t feel responsible for the narcissist’s toxic behavior.
