While every country has its cultural quirks, Americans have developed a special talent for turning minor concerns into major phobias. From the way we sanitize our existence to our perpetual fear of unlikely scenarios, our anxieties often leave the rest of the world watching in bewildered amusement. Here’s a look at the fears that make other countries wonder if we’re all okay over here.
1. Raw Eggs in Everything
Americans act like raw eggs are tiny biological weapons waiting to explode. We’ll throw away an entire batch of cookie dough if a speck of raw egg touches our tongue! Meanwhile, the French are casually dipping their morning toast in soft-boiled eggs, Japanese people are putting raw eggs on rice for breakfast, and Italians are living their best lives with raw eggs in carbonara. The rest of the world just watches in confusion as we frantically pasteurize everything that’s ever been in the same room as an egg.
2. Walking Places
The idea of walking anywhere beyond the mailbox fills many Americans with inexplicable dread. We’ll spend 15 minutes circling a parking lot to avoid a 5-minute walk. Our European counterparts regularly walk miles to work, school, or shops without considering it exercise or a humanitarian crisis. We’ve somehow convinced ourselves that walking more than a block means we’ve hit rock bottom in life. Even in perfectly safe neighborhoods, we’ll drive three blocks to get milk while other countries’ citizens hike across town without a second thought.
3. Public Transportation
We’ve convinced ourselves that public transit is a dystopian nightmare where only the desperate dare to tread. While Tokyo’s subway system moves millions efficiently every day, and European cities connect entire countries by rail, we’re sitting in two-hour traffic convinced this is somehow better. We’ll pay triple for an Uber rather than learn a simple bus route. The rest of the world efficiently zips around on trains and buses while we white-knuckle our steering wheels in gridlock, insisting this is freedom.
4. Food Expiration Dates
Americans treat expiration dates like they’re prophetic warnings and throw out perfectly good yogurt because the container says it was best three days ago. The moment midnight strikes on the expiration date, we’re convinced our milk has transformed into poison. Meanwhile, most other countries use common sense, their noses, and actual signs of spoilage to determine if food is still good, like the French, who happily eat cheese that smells like feet and was aged in a cave. We’ve created more food waste from expiration date fear than some countries produce in total.
5. Metric System
The mere mention of kilometers or Celsius sends us into a cold sweat. We cling to our Fahrenheit and miles like they’re the last vestiges of freedom, while the rest of the world efficiently measures things in units that make actual sense. We’ll do complex mathematical gymnastics to avoid learning a simpler system that literally every other country uses. Scientists and doctors in our own country use the system, but suggest switching fully to metric? Get ready for Americans to react like you’ve suggested we all start speaking in tongues. The rest of the world just watches in amazement as we stubbornly measure things in units based on a king’s foot.
6. Kids Being Unsupervised For 3 Seconds
We track our kids through phones, watches, and probably soon-to-be-invented brain chips, while Scandinavian babies are literally napping outside in their strollers. We call the police if we see an 11-year-old walking to school alone, while Japanese six-year-olds are navigating complex subway systems by themselves. Our kids can’t walk to the corner store without us treating it like they’re scaling Mount Everest solo. Meanwhile, European children are living their best free-range lives while their parents aren’t having weekly anxiety attacks about predators lurking behind every tree.
7. Nudity in Any Context
We’ll lose our minds over a split-second nipple slip during a Super Bowl performance while European beaches are full of grandmas sunbathing topless. Our TV shows can show graphic violence, but god forbid someone’s bare bottom appears on screen. We force our toddlers to wear shirts at the beach, send teenagers home for showing a shoulder at school, and act like changing rooms are maximum security vaults. Meanwhile, Germans are having casual family saunas, and Mediterranean folks wonder why we’re all so weirdly uptight.
8. Anything Vaguely Socialist
The word “socialism” sends Americans into a panic. We’ll reject universal healthcare because we’re convinced it’s a slippery slope to living in a communist dystopia. Tell an American that other countries have six weeks of paid vacation and two years of parental leave, and watch them start muttering about freedom and eagles. We’re so terrified of “socialism” that we’ll actively vote against our own interests while Scandinavians are living their best lives with their affordable healthcare, free education, and paid sabbaticals.
9. Gluten
Unless you have celiac disease, our nationwide gluten panic looks absolutely bizarre to the rest of the world. We’ve turned bread into public enemy number one while French people are literally carrying baguettes under their arms like accessories. We’ll pay triple for sad, gluten-free versions of foods that never had gluten in the first place. Entire restaurant menus now come with gluten warnings while Italian nonnas are force-feeding their families pasta without a single casualty. The rest of the world continues to eat normal bread while we’re convinced a crouton will destroy our lives.
10. Weather Reports As Doomsday Prophecies
We name winter storms like they’re hurricanes and treat rain like it’s the apocalypse. A few inches of snow in Georgia and you’d think the White Walkers were coming. Meanwhile, Norwegians are casually going about their lives in weather that would shut down entire American cities. We’ll cancel school for a frost warning while Canadian kids are wondering why the playground is empty. Our weather people stand in slightly breezy conditions acting like they’re reporting from a war zone.
11. Anything Not Completely Sterilized
We’ve convinced ourselves that germs are plotting an organized rebellion against humanity. Our hand sanitizer consumption alone could probably fuel a small country. We wrap our kids in antibacterial everything while Finnish parents let their babies eat dirt for immune system development. Public bathroom door handles are treated like they’re contaminated with the plague, and we’d rather do advanced yoga moves than touch them. Meanwhile, Japanese people are eating raw fish without having a sanitization panic, and street food vendors worldwide continue to serve millions without causing the extinction of the human race.
12. Other Languages Existing
We’ll have a full meltdown if we hear Spanish in the grocery store or see signs in multiple languages. We expect everyone worldwide to speak perfect English while we can barely mumble “gracias” at a Mexican restaurant. We’ll travel to other countries and just speak English slower and louder when not understood. The rest of the world is casually multilingual while we’re still struggling with the fact that English words can have multiple meanings. Our fear of other languages being spoken near us has become so ridiculous that we’ve turned “English only” into a bizarre political stance.
13. Natural Childbirth
We treat natural childbirth like it’s an extreme sport only attempted by adrenaline junkies. Our birth plans have more pages than some novels, and we view childbirth without epidurals as either madness or martyrdom. Meanwhile, Dutch women are having babies at home like it’s no big deal, and midwives in other countries are wondering why we treat birth like a medical emergency requiring a full surgical team. We’ve somehow convinced ourselves that the process that got us all here needs more technology than a NASA launch.
14. Not Having 24/7 Access to Everything
The idea that a store might be closed on Sundays or early in the evening sends us into an existential crisis. We’ve become so accustomed to constant access that we panic if we can’t get sushi at 3 AM. Europeans casually accept afternoon siestas and Sunday closures while we’re rage-tweeting about a coffee shop closing at 8 PM. We’ve convinced ourselves that not having constant access to shopping is a human rights violation while the rest of the world enjoys their work-life balance.
15. The Ground Floor Being Called “1”
Our irrational fear of calling the ground floor “1” instead of “0” or “G” has led to more confusion than clarity. We’ll create elaborate numbering systems to avoid this simple logical step that the rest of the world has embraced. Even our buildings reflect our fear of straightforward numbering—we’ll skip the 13th floor like we’re outsmarting fate through creative math.
