Let’s talk about something that can sneak up on even the best relationships: resentment. But don’t worry! We’re going to dive into 20 signs that resentment might be building in your relationship, and more importantly, how to nip it in the bud. Ready? Let’s go!
1. The eye roll is second nature
You know that involuntary eye roll you do when your partner says or does something? That’s not just sass—it could be a sign of underlying resentment. It’s like your body is saying “Here we go again” before your mind even processes it. The fix? Catch yourself in the act. When you feel the urge to roll your eyes, pause and ask yourself why. Is it really about what they just said, or is there a deeper issue you need to address?
2. You’re always “fine” (even though you’re not)
“How are you feeling?” “Fine.” Sound familiar? If “fine” has become your automatic response even when you’re upset, you might be bottling up resentment (there’s actually a reason for this, according to Psychology Today). So, what do you do? Practice emotional honesty. It’s okay to say, “Actually, I’m feeling a bit upset.” This opens the door for conversation rather than letting negative feelings fester.
3. You’ve gotten really good at deflecting
“You always…” “You never…” If you find yourself constantly shifting blame and responsibility onto your partner, it’s a sign that resentment is building a wall between you. Here’s what to do instead: Take ownership of your feelings and actions. Use “I” statements instead of “you” accusations. “I feel neglected when plans are canceled” opens up dialogue better than “You never follow through on anything.”
4. Your partner’s quirks are more like icks
Remember when you thought their snoring was cute? Now it makes you want to smother them with a pillow. If every little habit is suddenly unbearable, resentment might be magnifying these annoyances. Don’t worry, there’s a fix: Remind yourself of what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Also, consider if these “annoying” habits are really the issue, or if they’re a stand-in for deeper problems you’re avoiding.
5. You’re more like roommates now
Living parallel lives under the same roof doesn’t sound so fun. If you’re going out of your way to avoid spending time together, resentment might be the uninvited guest in your relationship. This one is easy to remedy: Schedule some quality time together. It doesn’t have to be elaborate—even cooking a meal together or taking a walk can help reconnect you.
6. The silent treatment is your favorite treatment
This isn’t just for moody teenagers. If you find yourself regularly giving or receiving the silent treatment, it’s a red flag for resentment (according to Psych Central, it can also be abuse in extreme cases). While it’s not easy, you need to try your best to break the silence. It’s okay to say, “I need some time to process my feelings, but can we talk about this in an hour?” This acknowledges your need for space while also committing to communication.
7. You’re stuck living in the past
Constantly bringing up past mistakes or dwelling on “the way things used to be” can be a sign of unresolved resentment. It sounds like you’re stuck in a time loop of past hurts. The best thing to do is to acknowledge the past but focus on the present and future. If there are unresolved issues, address them directly with your partner. Consider couples therapy if you’re having trouble moving forward.
8. Your ego is in control
If you find yourself constantly trying to “win” arguments or prove you’re right, ego-driven resentment might be at play. Relationships aren’t about keeping score. So what you need to do is to practice active listening and empathy. Try to understand your partner’s perspective without immediately formulating a rebuttal. Remember, it’s you and your partner versus the problem, not you versus your partner.
9. You’re looking for emotional fulfillment in other places
If you find yourself oversharing with friends, family, or worse, a potential romantic interest about your relationship problems, it could be a sign that resentment is pushing you to seek emotional connection outside your partnership. You want to nip this in the bud, so try to turn towards your partner, not away. Share your feelings and needs with them first. If you’re not feeling heard or understood, consider couples counseling to improve communication.
10. You feel more like a parent than a partner
Constantly nagging or feeling like you have to manage your partner’s life? This parent-child dynamic can breed resentment…and fast. In this case, step back and allow your partner to take responsibility for their own tasks and decisions. Communicate your needs clearly, but resist the urge to micromanage. Remember, you’re partners, not parent and child.
11. You’re keeping score but not in a fun way
“I did the dishes last night, so it’s your turn.” “I always plan our dates.” If you find yourself constantly tallying up who did what, resentment might be creeping in. Instead of keeping a mental scorecard, try openly discussing household responsibilities. Create a chore chart if needed, but more importantly, express appreciation for what your partner does do, rather than focusing on what they don’t.
12. You overdo it with the sarcasm
A little playful sarcasm can be fun, but responding to everything your partner says with a snarky comment, might mean it’s time to check in with your feelings. Before you let that sarcastic comment fly, take a beat. Try expressing your feelings directly instead. “I feel frustrated when…” is much more productive than a biting remark.
13. Your complaints play on repeat
If you find yourself repeatedly bringing up the same issues without resolution, resentment is likely building. So here’s what you’re going to do: Instead of just voicing complaints, try proposing solutions. “I feel overwhelmed with housework. Could we create a cleaning schedule together?” This approach moves you from problem to solution.
