Relationships are hard enough when both people try. With a narcissist, however, it often feels like a game rigged against you. But there’s that hope, right? That they’ll finally see the light, admit their faults, and things will change! Couples therapy seems like the answer. But here’s the thing: narcissists are pros at manipulating situations to their advantage, and therapy is basically handing them a step-by-step guide to doing that even better. Yikes!
1. They’ll charm the therapist (at least initially).
Narcissists are often incredibly charismatic, especially with new people, Psychology Today highlights. They’ll put on that “great partner” performance, acting all vulnerable and willing to work on themselves. A therapist unfamiliar with narcissistic patterns is likely to buy into it, making you feel like the unreasonable one in the relationship.
2. Therapy gives them new language to weaponize against you.
They’ll learn all the buzzwords: gaslighting, love bombing, trauma… then twist those terms to make YOU seem like the abuser. Suddenly, reasonable requests get labeled as unreasonable demands, their lies become your “misinterpretations”. It’s mind-bending and destabilizing for the non-narcissistic partner!
3. They’ll use the sessions to gather ammo, not to change.
Therapy is meant to foster vulnerability. You reveal your deepest insecurities, hoping for understanding. A narcissist sees a target list. Every fear you confide, every past hurt, becomes something they can exploit at a later time to regain control and protect their fragile ego.
4. You’ll start to doubt your own reality.
This is part of their game! They’ll tell the therapist outrageous lies with such conviction, it chips away at your confidence in your own memory and perceptions. You leave sessions feeling confused, disoriented, and worse than before. This is them winning, not the start of therapeutic healing.
5. It reinforces the idea they can be “fixed”.
Therapy works when a person wants to change. Narcissists rarely do, as true change means admitting they’re flawed, which their ego can’t handle. They go to therapy for performance, to tell people they tried. Failure? The therapist’s fault, never their own. This traps you in an endless cycle of false hope.
6. They might manipulate the therapist into individual sessions with you… bad idea!
This isolates you. Suddenly, the therapist is hearing only the narcissist’s version of events, and is likely being manipulated into believing you’re the primary problem. They might even unknowingly encourage behaviors that strengthen the narcissist’s control, leaving you in an even worse situation.
7. You’ll spend time and energy focusing on fixing THEM, not healing YOURSELF.
Therapy is hard work! You deserve that effort to be for YOUR growth. With a narcissist, the sessions become all about their needs, their wounded ego, and their distorted worldview. You end up neglecting your own emotional well-being in the fruitless pursuit of getting them to admit they’re the problem.
8. It can escalate their abusive behavior when you finally do leave.
Leaving a narcissist is dangerous. They hate loss of control. Having “proof” (warped as it may be) from a therapist that YOU were the difficult one is ammunition they’ll use in a smear campaign. It makes it harder to get support from friends and family, who the narcissist likely already manipulates.
9. Any progress made in therapy is likely temporary.
They might feign change to appease the therapist, but it’s a performance, not true growth. Narcissists lack the capacity for true, lasting empathy (though as PsychCentral points out, they have learned how to utilize cognitive empathy to their advantage). Once therapy ends, those old toxic behaviors tend to resurface, often even worse than before, since they now have refined manipulation tactics.
10. It sets the expectation that you’re equally responsible for the damage.
Therapy often involves analyzing both partner’s contributions to dysfunction. While this works with healthy couples, it backfires with a narcissist. It shifts focus away from the true root of the problem – their behavior – creating the illusion that if you just changed X, Y, or Z, everything would magically improve. This isn’t true!
11. Couples therapy requires both people to operate under the assumption of good intentions… which narcissists don’t.
You go in hoping the therapist will help you communicate better. The narcissist goes in seeking validation and tools to maintain control. Those are fundamentally incompatible goals! Therapy won’t bridge that gap; it only widens it as the narcissist learns to manipulate the process itself.
12. It can make you feel like you’re “failing” at fixing the relationship.
When therapy inevitably stalls because the narcissist refuses true change, it damages your self-esteem. You’ll think “If only I said things differently…” NO. No perfect communication will make a disordered person act rationally and kindly. This isn’t your failure, it’s their disorder, period.
13. Your trust in the mental health system might be damaged.
Seeing a therapist skillfully manipulated erodes your faith in the very thing you need to heal! Not all therapists are equipped to handle narcissistic abuse. Ending up with one who unknowingly strengthens the narcissist is retraumatizing, making it harder to seek help from the right people later.
14. It costs a LOT, both financially and emotionally.
Therapy is expensive in many cases. Spending that on a doomed venture takes resources away from things you’d truly benefit from: individual therapy, support groups, potentially legal help if the situation warrants. Plus, the emotional toll of repeatedly getting your hopes up only to be crushed again? No amount of money is worth that.
15. It delays you getting the kind of help you DO need.
Time spent in pointless couples therapy is time not spent on truly healing. Individual therapy with a narcissist-abuse specialist, educating yourself on the disorder, joining support groups… these are far more valuable uses of your energy. Building yourself UP is the best weapon against their abuse.
16. You might unknowingly put the therapist at risk.
Narcissists are prone to rage and lashing out when challenged. While most therapists have safety protocols, unknowingly taking a narcissist as a client (especially if they’re initially charming) could put the therapist in harm’s way, both verbally and potentially in terms of their reputation if the narcissist lies about the situation later.
17. It gives you false hope… and hope can be dangerous with a narcissist.
Hope is what keeps you trapped! Hope they’ll change makes you endure far more than you should. Focusing your energy on healing yourself, and accepting the harsh truth that they won’t change, is what ultimately allows you to break free and build a healthier, happier life. This is hard, but possible!
Enjoy this piece? Give it a like and follow PsychLove on MSN for more!
