It’s pretty common knowledge at this point that the way you were raised has a big effect on what kind of adult you become. However, you might not realize just how much it can screw you up when you grow up in a toxic household. Here’s how being raised by narcissists can cause serious problems even when your childhood is in the distant past.
1. You don’t realize your worth.
Growing up with narcissistic parents can mean a lot of your achievements and milestones were overlooked or downplayed. This can lead to feeling like you’re not good enough, no matter how much you accomplish. It’s like always trying to hit a moving target when it comes to gaining their approval or praise.
To combat this, start celebrating your own successes, no matter how small. Learn to validate yourself. It might feel weird at first, but acknowledging your own achievements is crucial in building up the self-esteem that wasn’t nurtured in your childhood.
2. You struggle to trust people.
When you’re raised by narcissists, trust can be a big issue. If your parents were unpredictable or often broke promises, it’s natural to become wary of trusting others. You might find yourself questioning people’s motives or expecting them to let you down.
Building trust takes time, especially when your baseline is skewed. Start with small steps. Engage in low-risk situations where trust can be built gradually. Therapy can also be a safe space to explore these trust issues and learn new patterns of relating to others.
3. You’re overly self-critical.
Narcissistic parents often criticize or belittle, which can lead to you being your own harshest critic. You might find yourself always finding fault in what you do, driven by the internalized voice of your parents. This constant self-criticism can be exhausting and damaging to your self-esteem.
Challenge these critical thoughts when they pop up. Ask yourself if you’d say the same things to a friend. If not, why say them to yourself? Replace these thoughts with kinder, more supportive ones. It’s about retraining your inner voice to be more of a cheerleader than a critic.
4. Your relationships are always pretty dysfunctional.
If you’ve been raised by narcissistic parents, forming healthy relationships can be challenging. You might unconsciously seek out similar dynamics to what you experienced in childhood, or you might go the other extreme and avoid closeness altogether to protect yourself.
Awareness is key here. Recognize patterns in your relationships that may stem from your upbringing. Counseling or therapy can be incredibly helpful in understanding and changing these patterns, helping you build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
5. You’re afraid of expressing yourself.
Narcissistic parents often dominate conversations and dismiss others’ opinions, which can leave you feeling like your thoughts and feelings aren’t important. This might lead to hesitancy in expressing yourself or asserting your needs in other areas of your life.
Start small in finding your voice. Practice expressing your thoughts and feelings in safe environments. Remember, your opinions are valid, and your voice is worth hearing. Assertiveness can be built up like a muscle – the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
6. You have a skewed sense of normalcy.
When raised by narcissistic parents, your idea of what’s normal in relationships and family dynamics can be off. You might have grown up thinking that certain unhealthy behaviors are just how things are. This skewed perspective can lead to accepting less-than-ideal situations in your adult life because they feel familiar.
To reshape your sense of normalcy, expose yourself to healthier relationships and dynamics. This could be through friends, mentors, or even books and movies. Seeing and experiencing healthy interactions helps recalibrate your understanding of what’s normal and acceptable.
7. You struggle to set boundaries.
Narcissistic parents often don’t respect personal boundaries, leaving you unsure of how to set and maintain your own. You might find it hard to say no or feel guilty for having your own space and needs. This can lead to being overextended or taken advantage of in various areas of your life.
Learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial. It’s about understanding that your needs are important and you have the right to express and enforce them. Start practicing with small boundaries and gradually work up to bigger ones. It’s okay to protect your space and well-being.
8. You’re overwhelmed by guilt and obligation.
Feelings of excessive guilt or obligation are common if you’ve had narcissistic parents. You might feel like you owe them for your upbringing, even if it was unhealthy. This can keep you tied to them in ways that are detrimental to your own well-being.
It’s important to recognize that you are not responsible for your parents’ feelings or behaviors. Seeking therapy can help in dealing with these feelings of guilt and obligation. It’s about understanding that your primary responsibility is to your own health and happiness.
9. You’re prone to people-pleasing.
Growing up in an environment where your worth was based on how well you pleased your parents can lead to a people-pleasing tendency. You might find yourself constantly trying to keep others happy, often at your own expense. This can lead to burnout and a loss of self-identity.
Combatting people-pleasing starts with recognizing your own needs and understanding they are just as important as others’. Practice prioritizing your needs and saying no without feeling guilty. It’s about finding a balance between being kind and not losing yourself in the process.
10. You don’t recognize your own achievements.
Narcissistic parents often don’t acknowledge their children’s achievements, which can lead to you undervaluing your own successes. You might downplay your accomplishments or feel like they’re never enough. This constant underestimation can affect your self-esteem and motivation.
Start acknowledging and celebrating your achievements, no matter how small. Keep a record of your successes and refer back to it when you’re feeling down. It’s a way of reminding yourself of your worth and capabilities.
11. You have a high tolerance for unhealthy behavior.
Being around narcissistic behavior can desensitize you to other toxic behaviors. You might find yourself tolerating unhealthy situations or relationships because they seem normal or manageable compared to your upbringing. This high tolerance can keep you in harmful environments longer than you should be.
Become aware of what healthy behavior looks like and remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Don’t be afraid to walk away from situations that feel toxic or draining.
12. You constantly need validation from others.
When validation is scarce in childhood, you might grow up seeking it from external sources. This can manifest in constantly looking for approval or validation from friends, partners, or even strangers. It’s like trying to fill a void that your parents left.
Building internal validation is key. Focus on self-affirmation and recognizing your own worth independently of others’ opinions. Therapy can be a helpful tool in developing a strong sense of self-validation.
