Most parents mean well, but even with the absolute best intentions, they sometimes cross a line without realizing it. Your kids are adults now, figuring out their own lives, and certain behaviors that were fine when they were little, now feel intrusive and make them want to pull away a bit. If you cross any of these boundaries, don’t be surprised if your adult children don’t take it very well.
1. Treating their home like an extension of your own
Popping by unannounced, rearranging their stuff, or critiquing their décor sends the message you don’t see it as truly their space. Adult children need their home to feel like a sanctuary where they’re in control, even if it doesn’t match your taste, and respecting their space also means respecting their time.
2. Constantly offering unsolicited advice about their lives
Even if it comes from love, it can make them feel like you don’t trust their decisions. Unsolicited advice is about fixing them, not supporting them, Psychology Today points out. Ask: “Would you like my thoughts on this, or just need to vent?” Let them choose, and make sure that you’re prepared to offer real support and listen to their choices, even if you disagree with them.
3. Guilt-tripping about how rarely they visit or call
Life gets busy – jobs, their own relationships, etc. Laying on the guilt makes them less likely to reach out. Focus on quality of contact, not quantity. A cheerful “So nice to hear from you!” goes further than “It’s been ages…”, and shows that you value the relationship itself more than enforcing an arbitrary timeline for contact.
4. Ignoring their clearly stated boundaries
They ask you not to bring up their weight, and you do anyway. This kills the trust between you. Your adult kids get to set limits, even if you disagree with them. Respecting those boundaries shows you care about the relationship more than always being right, and helps your child feel truly heard and understood by you.
5. Prying about their finances or relationship details
Unless they’re asking for help, their money situation is none of your business. Relationship stuff gets shared on their timeline. Intrusive questions signal a lack of respect for their privacy and ability to manage their own lives, and can put unnecessary strain on their other relationships as well.
6. Making major announcements to others before privately telling them
Finding out on Facebook you’re going to be a grandparent? Ouch — their sibling hasn’t even told them that they’re having a kid! Your adult children deserve to hear life-changing news directly from you, even if it means keeping it quiet from the rest of the world for a bit, and it gives them a chance to process their emotions before sharing the news with others.
7. Using emotional blackmail to get your way
Have you ever found yourself saying something along the lines of, “I guess I’ll just spend the holidays alone if you’re too busy to visit…” This is manipulation, plain and simple. Let your adult children make choices without the weight of your potential misery hanging over their heads, and find enriching ways to spend your own time.
8. Disciplining their kids / openly disagreeing with their parenting in front of them
This undermines their authority! Unless there’s abuse, zip it. If you have major concerns, discuss it with your adult child privately. Publicly overruling their parenting choices creates resentment, and confuses the grandkids, which can hurt your relationship with everyone involved.
9. Comparing them to siblings, cousins, or the neighbor’s kid — and not in a good way
They already went through this in childhood, and they don’t need a repeat performance! It creates resentment, not motivation. Focus on your adult child’s individual strengths and accomplishments, not how they measure up to other people, understanding that their journey is unique and comparisons aren’t helpful.
10. Expecting to be included in absolutely everything they do
Couples need time alone, and friends’ nights are important — it’s healthy for them to have a life outside the family! Don’t make them choose between you and everything else. Having your own hobbies and friends makes you less dependent on them for entertainment, and gives you more to talk about when you do connect.
11. Invalidating their feelings because “you had it harder when they were growing up”
Struggles aren’t a competition. Dismissing their emotional experiences with “at least you have a roof over your head” teaches them not to share with you. Empathy goes a long way, even if you don’t fully understand their problems, and simply saying, “That sounds really difficult” can be so meaningful.
12. Bringing up past mistakes or embarrassing childhood stories
This is especially true when done in front of their significant other or friends! They’ve outgrown that phase of their life, and you harping on it makes them cringe. Focus on who they are now, not the kid they used to be, and understand that bringing up the past might do more to shut down communication than spark fond reminiscing.
13. Talking down to them like they’re still a child
Over-explaining basic things or using that condescending tone parents use with toddlers is infantilizing. Assume competence, Verywell Mind urges! If they do need help with something, they’ll ask. Treat them as the capable adult they are, and they’ll be more likely to approach you as an equal when they do need a helping hand or a listening ear.
14. Commenting on their bodies, whether it’s weight loss or gain
Unless their doctor has raised health concerns, their body is simply not up for discussion. Comments, even positive-sounding ones, can trigger deep insecurities. Focus on complimenting non-appearance-based things instead, or better yet, simply tell them “You look great!” without focusing on any specific changes.
15. Treating their partner with subtle (or not-so-subtle) disdain
Your adult child chose this person! Being overly critical makes family gatherings awkward for everyone. If you have major issues with the partner, discuss it respectfully with your kid in private. Don’t force them to choose sides, and look for opportunities to connect with their partner and find common ground.
16. Demanding their time in ways that feel unreasonable
Babysitting at the drop of a hat, expecting to be the priority on all holidays — they need balance. Sometimes, “no” is healthy, as is finding other childcare solutions so they don’t feel obligated. Respect that your adult child might have commitments you’re not aware of, and be open to compromises and finding solutions that work for everyone.
17. Not reciprocating their effort in your relationship
They always visit you, they’re the ones who initiate calls, etc. That’s not fair! Adult relationships are a two-way street, and healthy ones mean both sides feel they’re getting something out of the connection. Meeting them halfway shows you’re equally invested in staying connected.
18. Acting like their success (or lack thereof) is a direct reflection on you.
Bragging to your friends if they’re doing well or being disappointed if they’re not on a conventional path makes it about YOU. Their accomplishments should be a source of pride, regardless of how it makes you look to others, and celebrate their journey even if it doesn’t match your expectations.
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