The Bible has some seriously messed up stories that would earn a hard R rating if Hollywood got their hands on them. Here are 15 tales that prove the “Good Book” isn’t always so family-friendly. To be honest, I’d watch pretty much all of these myself!
Lot’s Daughters (Genesis 19:30-38)
After fleeing the destruction of Sodom, Lot’s daughters decide the only way to preserve their family line is to get their dad drunk and assault him in, well, an extremely unsavory way. That’s right, they have their way with their own father. Yeah, that’s not making it past the censors anytime soon.
Jael Kills Sisera (Judges 4:17-22)
Jael, a total bad B, lures an enemy general named Sisera into her tent. She gives him milk, tucks him in, and waits for him to fall asleep. Then she grabs a tent peg and a hammer and drives it through his skull. It’s like a brutal scene straight out of a Tarantino flick, complete with a gory close-up.
Judah and Tamar (Genesis 38)
Judah, one of Jacob’s sons, sleeps with his widowed daughter-in-law Tamar, thinking she’s a prostitute. When he finds out she’s pregnant, he orders her to be burned to death for immorality. The irony is thicker than Judah’s skull. Jerry Springer, eat your heart out.
Jephthah’s Daughter (Judges 11:29-40)
Jephthah, a warrior with more brawn than brain, makes a rash vow to God. If he wins his battle, he’ll sacrifice the first thing that greets him when he gets home. Surprise surprise, his daughter is the first to welcome him back. Jephthah, being a man of his word (and an idiot), kills her as a burnt offering. Child sacrifice? Definite R rating.
Amnon Assaults Tamar (2 Samuel 13:1-22)
David’s son Amnon is so obsessed with his half-sister Tamar that he can’t function. He tricks her into his room, forces himself on her, then kicks her out and treats her like garbage. The Bible spares no detail in describing the graphic sexual violence and victim-blaming. Hard pass for family movie night.
The Levite’s Concubine (Judges 19)
A Levite and his concubine are traveling and seek shelter in the city of Gibeah. The men of the city demand to sleep with the Levite, but he throws his concubine to the mob instead. She’s assaulted repeatedly by all of them to her death, and her body is dismembered into twelve pieces. Her master then uses the body parts to call Israel to war. Extreme violence gets a solid R rating.
Ehud Kills Eglon (Judges 3:12-30)
Ehud, a left-handed assassin, goes to deliver a “secret message” to Eglon, a morbidly obese king. Ehud whips out a double-edged sword and plunges it into the king’s belly. Eglon is so fat that the sword disappears, and his bowels empty. Graphic violence and toilet humor – the MPAA would have a field day with this one.
Jezebel’s Death (2 Kings 9:30-37)
Jezebel, the Bible’s favorite villain, gets tossed out of a window by her own servants. Her body is trampled by horses and eaten by dogs, leaving only her skull, feet, and hands. The gruesome death scene is described in loving detail, complete with body mutilation. Definite R territory.
Samson’s Rampage (Judges 15:1-20)
Samson, the Bible’s anger-management poster boy, decides to get revenge on the Philistines who burned his wife to death. He catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together in pairs, sets them on fire, and releases them to burn down the Philistines’ crops. Animal cruelty meets large-scale arson in this pyromaniac’s dream sequence.
Elisha and the Bears (2 Kings 2:23-25)
Some kids make fun of the prophet Elisha’s bald head, calling him “baldy.” Elisha, being the bigger person, curses them in the name of the Lord. Two bears come out of the woods and maul 42 of the children. Brutal violence against minors perpetrated by wild animals – no way that gets a PG-13.
Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1-11)
Ananias and Sapphira, a married couple, sell some property and keep part of the proceeds for themselves while pretending to donate the full amount to the church. When confronted, they both lie about it and are struck dead on the spot. Divine judgment meets corporate fraud in this tale of greed and deceit. The ratings board would have some serious questions.
Cain Murders Abel (Genesis 4:1-16)
Cain, jealous of his brother Abel’s favor with God, lures him out to a field and bludgeons him to death. The world’s first homicide is a grim reminder that graphic violence has been around since the beginning. No need for fancy CGI here – a rock to the head gets the job done.
Herod’s Infanticide (Matthew 2:16-18)
King Herod, paranoid about a prophecy of a new king being born, orders the slaughter of all male babies in Bethlehem. Soldiers rip infants from their mothers’ arms and kill them in cold blood. Large-scale infanticide isn’t exactly a family-friendly plotline.
Elijah and the Prophets of Baal (1 Kings 18:16-40)
Elijah, the prophet with a chip on his shoulder, challenges 450 prophets of the god Baal to a showdown. He spends all day mocking them and their god, then slaughters them all in a gory massacre. Religious intolerance meets mass execution in this theological bloodbath.
David and Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11-12)
King David, the “man after God’s own heart,” spies on the married Bathsheba as she’s bathing. He sends for her, sleeps with her, then has her husband killed to cover up the resulting pregnancy. Voyeurism, adultery, and murder – the trifecta of R-rated transgressions.
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